BUMBLEBEE

2011-07-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

Quit the waitressing job. No money.

Signing up for CNA course. Gonna butt-wipe my way into a good nursing job.

Teaching the seniors art today. Aboriginal dot painting meets purple coneflower still life.

Planning our next road-trip. Contemplating whether kids really need to be there on the first day of school or so.

2011-06-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

15 garlic scapes cut into 1 inch pieces

1/2 cup olive oil

little pepper

1 lb turkey bacon cut into squares

1/2 diced red onion

1 sprig fresh rosemary

sautee and roughly mash into 5lbs salted red potatoes

I love garlic scapes - feels like asparagus, tastes like mild garlic. Once a year special.

Training for a demanding waitressing job this week - as hard to memorize the menu and it's descriptors as anatomy. I'm excited about the job - I think it will be fun, I like the atmosphere, and I will finally make a little money to pay off some bills - but I am also taking anatomy, and psychology, taking care of the kids, and have a few art classes left to teach and commissions to paint, and two college courses to write for the fall. And clean house and exercise. Don't know if I can do it all. ... Wasting the little time I have right now...

We ran the Warrior Dash this weekend. That was a lot of fun, easier than I'd anticipated, but we were a little worn out the next day.

Was just looking through family photos. So easy to worry about the day to day to-do. Everything will be fine. I forget without photos. Its a good life.

2011-06-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

Chris got me a new subscription to Art Forum. He caught me reading it today while I was supposed to be studying, which is funny because its an academic journal. So should I be studying art if that's my passion? Not right now. I need a job. I grew up with medical talk at the dinner table. I liked it. The human body is fascinating and I like to solve it's mysteries.

I ate my first cooked food in nine days. I couldn't remember why I wasn't supposed to anymore. The point isn't to be obsessive and extremist. The point is to adopt life-long, healthy habits. I enjoyed a dinner of

cold soba (buckwheat) noodles with

tofu,

green onions, and

sesame seeds.

(and sesame oil, soy sauce, and sugar) So good.

I jogged and lifted tonight, so maybe I could hit the leftovers just a little. I'm "training" for the Warrior Dash in a few weeks. Its a 5k with ten ridiculous obstacles like jumping over fire and climbing over wrecked cars. My goal is to finish in 45 minutes. Very reasonable. Its going to be hot and all my "training" is on an air-conditioned track.

I made little cube cookies today.

1/2 lb. walnuts

1/2 lb. dates

1 cup unsweetened dried coconut

1 cup ground whole flax

little salt

little vanilla

Process in food processor till doughy - form into teaspoon size cubes. So good. I had a dozen of them, felt bad about it, then remembered all I'd eaten today was a green smoothie and some watermelon. No wonder.

2011-06-09T08:54:00.001-07:00

My good friend moved to West Virginia this week. She will be missed. Watch for the pictures when we visit in August!

My dad took us to Disney World last month.

This is my hands-down favorite picture. Everyone gave me a hard time for making the girls where a uniform all week but it was great. Columbia's "Liking the Hiking" dresses. They were SPF, they dried fast, they were super cool and lightweight, and I could spot them a mile away. I washed them every night. I did get blisters from squeezing them out so much, but it made me feel like we were doing some real traveling, so that was OK. I also loved going away for a week with 5 people and only 4 carry-ons.

2011-06-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

Played Art as Team Sport this weekend. Fun. We lost.

New painting.

So, the ants were mostly gone by that afternoon. Sprayed a few entries and washed the pantry out. still some hangers on but no more attack.

Having a great summer so far. Yesterday we went for a dog walk/jog/bicycle ride in the morning and went roller skating in the afternoon AND saw Kung Fu Panda 2 in the evening. Right now we're on the way to the zoo.

Doing well in Anatomy and excited about getting into nursing.

Sold 9 paintings this weekend.

I LOVE peonies! We have four beautiful, pale pink bushes. Oh my love/hate relationship with ants.

Day 8 of raw vegan diet. I eat a salad every day and a green smoothie almost every day, but my favorite foods are frozen bananas through the juicer with cocoa powder (YUM!) and half dates, half walnuts run through the food processor with a little salt and vanilla. Delicious and keeping me on the program. I feel great and have only had a few cravings for an Italian beef or pub burger. Easier to do this when its so hot. Nice to have structure when making the menu. Food choices can be so overwhelming.

2011-05-31T05:21:00.000-07:00

we have ants. Huge ones, medium ones, tiny ones. They are all over the kitchen and spilling into the dining room. Every time something is picked up, three ants run from under. Last night I heard "THWACK THWACK THWACK" at 2:30 in the morning. Chris and his shoe. They infiltrated our house in the last 12 hours. A glance in the kitchen upon waking revealed a few dozen ants running around across my whole field of vision.

Unfortunately, I procrastinated all my studying and birthday cupcake making till today, but now its all about cleaning scrubbing and spraying. I don't even care about pesticide concerns right now. We are under attack.

2011-05-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

Two concerts last week. Paul Simon at the Vic, a small club. AMAZING. He's still got it. I love him and his eclectic sounds. He really connects with the audience and all his musicians, though rather stone-faced most of the time, are multi-instrumentalists and really kept things going. I love Paul Simon. I have to admit though, that after a while, even when its great, my back just hurts from standing and I get bored and wish to move on.

Saturday we got free tickets to see Lucinda Williams. I love her songs and I love her voice. We waited through a painfully mediocre blues band and then a live auction, sucking the life out of my back and legs and attention span. When Lucinda came on, her boob was kind of hanging out and all I could think was, how can I see so much and no nipple, she is pretty old... someone should tell her to pull her shirt up ... I hope she's not embarrassed when she sees pictures later. Very distracting. But the real problem was that she was just going through the motions. Her voice was fantastic, but she was like an animatronic bear at show biz. There was no personality, no connection, she gazed above our heads, moved mechanically, she looked like maybe she was having a bad day and just trying to get through it. She needed the lyrics laid out for her. And what a weird crowd. For the first time ever, we actually left early. As soon as we stepped out the door, I was energized and thrilled to be alive. We got burgers and fries at Five Guys. I love their cool soda machines. For me, fast food hamburgers was way more fun than a sold-out concert. I just don't have the attention span for them anymore. I have to keep moving and be free.

2011-05-25T08:30:00.001-07:00

Thank you PBS, for watching my daughter while I study maniacally in the next room.

Thank you state-mandated daycare/elementary school for watching my kids for one more week so I can study maniacally.

Thank you husband, for working four hours of overtime today and on Saturday and on Memorial Day so we might be able to pay the mortgage.

Thank you professor of Anatomy, for writing such impossibly difficult tests that I will just really have to memorize EVERYTHING about hormones and blood today.

Thank you, Local Community College, for being such an unreliable and poorly paying employer that I have been inspired again to become a nurse.

Thank you, floor nursing, for sucking so hard, that I will go on to become an NP or midwife right away and multiply my last year's wages by 10.

Thank you, endocrine system, for including so much organic chemistry that my ego leftover from the easy A in Anatomy 1 is immediately knocked down to size.

Thank you, Bob, for inspiring me to pick up my blog again ... and put off my studying just a little more.

Right brain, thank you for making creativity so easy for me.

Left brain, please WAKE UP.

2011-04-10T17:30:00.000-07:00

There's a tiny studio space with huge windows, right on the river, for three hundred a month and I really want it. I don't have three hundred dollars, let alone a month. So I am imagining ways to make this 300 plus 400 toward student loans that never get paid. How can I make 700 a month? Aargh, let's just say 100/week.

Paintings: 10 birds a month would cover the rent.

Or two big encaustic pieces.

Art lessons: I make 400/year now....

I could hold the lessons there. That would be cute. Five private lessons a week would cover the rent.

Anything I make teaching at the college goes toward house bills.

I guess the real question is: Will the space help me make more money painting or not? It has to more than pay for itself.

new project

2011-04-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

Excited about new multi media project I plan to unveil in August.

Influences:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4gPZPKJc0s&feature=related

www.bushwickfarms.com (Tara and Stuart)

Ame no Uzume

A period of down - ness re-inspired my inner poet and I am needing to merge writing and art-making and also my old love, performing. All I can say now, is that I'm building a stage and looking for a trombone player.

2011-03-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

I'm making a website right now. I used 15 of our last 25$ in the bank on 3 months of websitetonight.com and it SUCKS. Or I suck.

Blogspot is so easy but getting myname.com seemed much more professional.

Today was pie day (3.14) so we made a chocolate pie and now I am up late finishing it.

My therapist bought 2 more paintings today and ordered a 7th. I just love her. I needed that money for groceries.

I have completely shifted my attitude towards painting as a job. 3rd shift.

I am trying to make some paintings for Japan relief. I started to make encaustic pieces from journalism photos, but its not working. People want happy pretty imagery anyway, not earthquake detritus, even if it does look cool and make me want to weep at the same time.

I am really thinking about doing Renegade Craft Fair this year. If I can make 100 paintings for that, I can get a gallery in Chicago. My big step right now is making the website so I can print it on business cards. And painting like the dickens. That, luckily, is the fun part. Except that now I have a stomach ache from pie.

Also must finish week one of Humanities course by Sunday night. And three paintings for Saturday. And at least one Japan painting for Friday. 7 other commissions also in queue. Plus, last week of in-home lessons is this week so I'm trying to get students shuffled into time slots for the next session.

2011-03-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

I love doublestacks with no cheese. Its a good after-workout meal, in my opinion.

I love my husband. He's always buying electronic, music kind of stuff that I think is totally unnecessary, but then I turn out to enjoy the stuff. Like the ipod dock. What would I do without it? He goes to a lot of concerts. Some say I'm too easy on him. I say, its his life. His Life. This is it. Its happening now and we should enjoy it and not put off the fun parts till a later that never comes. If he can figure out how to pay for it, why shouldn't he do what he loves? Good for him.

I may be feeling especially this way now because over the last few days I spent a lot of money on my own hobby. Ha HA! I'm so excited. Right now in my basement, hiding under my giant studio table, are 6 flats of seeds on a shower curtain on an electric blanket, under 6 grow lights. Last time I did two flats and had plenty, but you gotta remember I worked on a farm last year and now I think BIG. And I'm obsessive. I hope to sell some extra plants to offset the costs of the endeavor. (black cherry, sungold, lemon drop and ananas noir tomatoes, rosemary, delphinium, basil, balsam, baby's breath, marigolds, mossrose, rainbow peppers, romanesco broccoli, violet cauliflower, lavender... there's more, I forget all I did extra of.) I intended to spend 50 at Menards yesterday and when the bill came to 132, I felt a little sick to my stomach. I know its tight till next Friday, but when I get to the seed display, my eyes glaze over and I'm in a compulsive trance. I've drawn a map of where it will all go. Also bought bulbs at home depot, including dinner plate dahlias much cheaper than online. And think of how much these plants would cost in 2 months. I'm saving 100s! Half of our little yard will be gardens. Hoping the dog will help with squirrels and rabbits. Worried she'll tear up the beds. I hate squirrels. I'll be shocked if a single bulb I planted last fall comes up after the feast they had. I am not the kind of woman who feels cuddly about woodland creatures. Snow White, you are living in a dream world. I'll never forget how the Japanese woman who stayed with us reacted to seeing her first squirrel - she ran screaming, terrified. Actually, she turned out to be worse than squirrels, but that's another story.

Must. Get back. To painting. Finishing 4 birds before bed to drop off at shop tomorrow.

Artist Statement du jour

My work reflects fleeting moments of joy in the ordinary. I see my immediate world as a heart-breakingly beautiful experience. Whether in wax or resin, the records of my observations are colorful, swirling, and luminous.

The birds began as sketches after my grandfather died. As I drew, it popped into my head that they used to call him "bird-legs" and I laughed out loud. I didn't realize it at first, but these birds were about him and my grandmother. He fed the backyard birds each morning into his 90's. The birds are a symbol for memories. Happy memories. Now the chubby, little birds have become a shared pleasure. They've become a conversation with new people. Maybe not everybody thinks rusty excavators are gorgeous like I do, but most people enjoy backyard birds. We can connect that way.

2011-03-09T06:20:00.000-08:00

Total obsession with garden has taken over.

Dinner plate dahlias are the latest installment. MUST HAVE. Buying these from Swan Dahlias.

10" blooms. I saw these last fall and wanted to go up to the door to ask what they were. Just figured it out last night.

Starting flats of lavender, pansies and night stock this week.

2011-03-06T21:03:00.001-08:00

Picked up 9 grocery bags of dog poop today.
Nice day out.
Took a hike in the woods with dad and girls.

Made chicken soup with chicken feet.
Forgot to remove a few feet before serving.

Have been painting.
The resin process made one of the birds look like it had pooped.
I covered it with cherry blossoms.
Now the birds all look empty without blossoms or berries.
Serendipitous, resinous bird poop.

Enjoying/Obsessing over research for humanities course I start teaching next week.
Excuse to study poetry and watch documentaries.

Coming to terms with my own particular brand of madness.
Feeling comfortable and oddly happy.

Made a break up CD for my sister these last several hours.
Obsessor.
Told my dad tonight my new thing is to keep ice-cream for a whole week, enjoyed one serving at a time.
I ate all three dove bars while I made the CD.

I FUCKING LOVE CANNOLIS.
I can't even explain.
Buca di Beppos put them back on their menu.
Chris picked some up for me but they used hershey's syrup in lieu of the advertised chocolate sambuca sauce.
Stupid chain for ever taking them off the menu. Stupid chain for the syrup.
I'm choking in Chili's out here.

I've been running twice a week, 3 miles or so.
Trying to do 2 days lifting, two days yoga, 4 aerobic including runs.
Started using a calorie logging app.
That got old after 5 days.

2011-01-16T10:02:00.000-08:00

The girls are doing really well at school.

Almost all of my paintings sold.

The girls did chores and got allowance today. I was inspired by a random episode of Supernanny.

We got an old minivan. I love it.

Enjoyed my sister being home for a month.

We got a new sectional. Our first purchased seating.

I've been writing a survey of humanities course for Spring semester. Feeling good about what I've got. Now my classes may not run due to low enrollment.

In-home classes start this week, too.

We are really enjoying the zoo pass we got for Christmas.

We signed up for the Warrior Dash this summer.

Keebler sells girl scout cookies at the grocery store now.

My sister and good friend and I went to a New Year's party. I love them. Chris watched the kids. I love him too.

I love spending the day with Gracie while the girls are at school. She is amazing.

Sometimes we crawl back in bed and read (the same three books) after the girls leave for school. (The Nutcracker pop up book, The Value of Believing in Yourself, and The Way I Feel)

Yesterday I had separate dates with the older girls. We each went out for hot chocolate and then made crafts. Eleanor made a fairy from a pipe cleaner wrapped in embroidery floss, with a wooden head and flower petal dress. Charlotte is WILD about the simultaneously solid and liquid properties of corn starch plus water. We went to Aunt Pat's birthday after that, where she received both of these exciting items as gifts. The party was really fun. My dad was there and is in great health. I have so much to be thankful for.

This is the year I'm going to paint for real. Every week. And sell and sell and sell.

Short term goal: just paint regularly and follow through on selling leads.

Long term goal: use my paintings as means for international travel.

2010-12-14T05:44:00.000-08:00

Poor Eleanor laid in bed with me this morning, said no one will sit with her at lunch. She tries to sit at the girls' table and they tell her no, they've already made "arrangements." She uses air quotes. She ends up sitting by herself or with a few boys who don't get to sit at the boys' table. I hate for her to have this rejection at such a formative stage. She's been enjoying school much more and was very happy to get an A on her last math paper. The schedule is so good for her and I know I can't protect her forever, but when she looks up at me with those big brown eyes and tells me how no one likes her I just want to cuddle in bed with her all morning and keep her home forever. I asked Charlotte if she was having the same problem at lunch and she said she just sort of sits somewhere and then all her friends come sit with her.

2010-12-08T20:33:00.000-08:00

things are going much better. I've sold some paintings. The kids are liking school. Gracie loves having mommy to herself. I feel good about going to the gym again. Even the dog is being really good.

2010-11-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

12 bird paintings finished after ten hours yesterday. I'm satisfied. 18 more to finish by thursday.

Very happy with second grade. Charlotte is advanced in everything and feels a sense of success and companionship. her teacher is really cool.

Unhappier and unhappier with fourth grade. Eleanor was given a math test on material she doesn't know at all after three days. The kid next to her made fun of the big F on her paper. This lady doesn't appear to be interested in smoothing the transition for Eleanor (who came home and sobbed about the F and the teasing.) I am scrambling to help her learn her multiplication/division facts to catch up but she feels really pressured. She begged a return to homeschooling, but Chris says we must finish this experimental year. I hope her teacher doesn't turn out to do more damage than good. I don't trust her.

2010-11-19T15:41:00.000-08:00

OK. I just deleted one huge thing (homeschooling) and one small...ish thing (planning a school) from my plate. I feel relieved. Eleanor experienced social drama on day 1 when two groups of girls fought over her. And she is behind in math and writing but ahead in reading. but overall...so far, OK. Her teacher really seems to be nothing special. I bore witness to her annoyance at receiving another new student without notice. The primary function of school so far seems to be to stimulate Eleanor's competitive nature and force a schedule on her/us. I was not good at enforcing a schedule and I think they need one. Charlotte will start Monday and her teacher seems really cool.

2010-11-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

OK. now I'm depressed. feeling the loss of a 2 1/2 year project that meant the world to me. the loss of what became in a way a self-identity. the loss of a group membership that I really enjoyed.

don't want to cry in front of Chris for fear he'll misunderstand and think I'm flip-flopping.

I'm just sitting here, wondering if I should paint for the show, make meatballs, or do crusty dishes. Instead my nose is starting to run and I don't even have the get up and go to wipe it. let alone wash dishes.

Chris and I discussed it conclusively this morning and, at this point, the best choice really is to send them to school for now. it feels like a failure but I guess the real failure would be to refuse to change as needed.

Its just all happening so fast.

2010-11-17T19:08:00.000-08:00

Oh my god what am I doing Eleanor goes to school tomorrow

2010-11-17T11:36:00.000-08:00

So, it looks like school. Our tour went well. The girls are very excited and my throw up feeling has passed. Naturally, the first order of business was to order them really cool lunch accessories. We have been talking a lot lately about creating as little garbage as possible, so high quality lunch storage that will last for years is important.

2010-11-16T15:35:00.000-08:00

fall meal plan:

sunday: rotisserie chicken, potato, vegetable (grocery shop and start tomorrow's soup)

monday: chicken soup and fresh bread

tuesday: tacos

wednesday: stir fry, rice

thursday: spaghetti

friday: homemade pizzas (bake crusts and tomorrow's buns)

saturday: pulled pork (or burgers, dogs), baked beans, cole slaw

so today I made shrimp "ceviche" on tostadas - SO GOOD.

Mix:

1# salad shrimp, rinsed to thaw

juice of 2 limes

1/2 tsp salt

3 cloves garlic crushed

1 or two avocados diced

2 tomatoes diced

about 3T red onion minced

about 1/2 cup cilantro chopped

let mingle in fridge up to 30 minutes, pile onto 3 tostadas. this was delicious w/o a side dish.

tonight I'll start the sauce and meatballs for Thursday's spaghetti and make enough for a month.

In other news, because our schedules are changing, because the kids want to, and because I think I may have over-villified the school system - at least at the elementary level, ... we are considering sending the kids back to school. I'm coming to see that both ways can be successful as long as the parents are active in the educational process. This confused my husband at first, but he could see there were lots of little reasons piling up to this. It isn't because I can't handle them - dumping kids at school for discipline is a disaster. I love my kids and I want to serve them the best way I can, even if that is different from my original opinion. I love homeschooling and I love being with them all day, but with all I have to get done, some of their time each day may be better spent at school. The truth is, over time, I have not been as consistent with my good intentions for homeschooling as I would call successful. They are fine academically and their self confidence is wonderful (which I'm still worried about as far as going back to school is concerned) but school would offer them structure and stimulation that I am inconsistent with. I have to work, I have to paint, and its really hard to juggle those two jobs, keeping house, raising children, and educating them all at once. Do I always have to do everything the hard way? Besides, if they don't like it, they can come back home. But they want to go. And if they become depressed later because school is so awful, they can come back home. We'll see how it goes.

2010-11-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

2010-11-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

This is the carpet for me. Yes yes yes. overdyed is the latest trend is rugs you say? fantastic. i'm all for it. This rug is 14 thousand dollars. what? I'm thinking about pulling a persian style rug out of someone's garbage, bleaching it, and dying it flaming orange. The weather is oddly nice enough to still comfortably involve the hose.

2010-11-09T04:40:00.000-08:00

took the kids to the symphony this weekend. Funny how a one hour concert becomes an eight hour adventure on the train. fun. exhausting. pictures when I figure out how to get them from my phone.

I painted my dad's house this weekend. looks good. between his gratitude and some pre-sales from friends, my paint and panels will arrive today. I feel like I've been revving my engines at the starting line and I can hardly wait to get started painting. I picture more of baby blue Disney car, contorted into a sort of a yoga cat pose. I see it in slow motion: that today it gets to stretch out and sprint.

clouds of dust.

I am so into this album right now.

survey: is it worth it to road trip to the panhandle for Thanksgiving with 3 kids in the back of a compact?

2010-11-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

why we homeschool (while my anxiety level creeps up, I drink tea and listen to the Amelie soundtrack, kids bicker and scream alternately in pain and glee and I think, what's wrong with the public school again?)

Its not that the particular school is so bad, as that the idea of a one-size fits all education is stifling. Its the way young kids learn there that its them against the adults and the way so many of them won't look you in the eye. Their learned shyness. Their misconceptions about the importance of fitting into an available group. I don't believe in teaching to the test. I don't like the lord of the flies social structure that everyone knows secretly thrives behind the teachers' backs. It takes years for some people to get over the bullying they experience in school. Always proving themselves beyond the point where they can be happy, proving to people they don't know anymore, how great they are now. Some teachers try really hard and are wonderful at their jobs, but so many shouldn't be teaching anymore or at all or only can understand the sort of school-loving type of learner that they were as kids. Sometimes the teacher is the bully. I can't leave it up to such a bureaucratic institution to get my particular child in a good class. Sometimes the material is watered down to make it possible to feed to so many kids at once. Sometimes the material is so arbitrary or abstract that its just beating a love for learning out of the kids and boring them to death. At home, we can be hands-on all day. At school, that's too hard with the number of kids. How much of childhood obesity has to do with making them sit still at desks and computers all day, organizing their running around time into sports that only some of them like, and boring them or working them to tears so that when they come home they just crash in front of the TV instead of play or go off to discover? Stress is unhealthy for us and its wrong to stress our kids beyond what they can handle in order to meet these fairly arbitrary standards. Everybody's different; of course they learn at different rates and have different interests. What justifies a boy having suicidal thoughts because he's failing algebra when he will NEVER need algebra in his chosen field? We can't treat them like adults and make demands of them as such because they're not adults. Expecting your children to behave like adults is the number one cause of child abuse. School as it is now asks for children to behave too much like adults. The rush to learn certain things by a certain time is invented. Kids need to play and discover and preserve their innate love for learning. These become passionate adults that can move their choice of mountain. I make my kids study the 3 R's right now, but the extent to which a well-rounded education is forced on kids in schools can do more harm than good. I don't remember where I read this, but children are not vessels to be filled, but flowers we help to bloom. They have what they need already, they just need to be nurtured.

Mine aren't screaming anymore and I remember again why I don't send them to the state-mandated free babysitting down the street.

2010-11-05T13:19:00.000-07:00

inexpensive cozy pleasures:

lipton tea, black. really cheap.

homemade bread.

Boil 3 cups water.

our into 1.5 cups assorted grains and seeds (I use amaranth, millet, flax, sunflower, sesame)

wait till just warm and add 2T of honey, stir and

add 4tsp yeast. wait till foamy. about 10 minutes.

add 1.5 cup whole wheat flour,

2T oil,

4 T honey,

3 tsp salt. Stir and wait till bubbly, about 15 minutes.

Add 5.5 cups bread flour. Stir well.

Cover and let sit 1 hour.

Punch down and divide into 2 loaves.

Let sit 45 minutes.

Bake 30 minutes at 375.

(from Amy)

Chicken Soup.

2 # chicken legs. about a dollar at the Mexican grocery.

1# carrots, dollar

1/2 a celery, dollar

2 onions, 25 cents

Fill big pot halfway with water, add salt and some vinegar, like 2T, and bay leaves.

Add raw chicken and let cook on low for at least 24 hours.

Add chopped vegetables and let cook another 12 on low.

Remove chicken and add parsley bouquet from garden.

Take meat from skin and bones. You know you did it right if the bones crumble between your fingers. Give these very soft bits to the dog.

Put the chicken back in the pot, take out the parsley.

All done. Serve with the bread and the tea.

Eat more bread later, with tea and lots of butter.

Try not to eat any more of the kids' fun size snickers bars.

2010-11-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

handed in 2 paintings for faculty show today. paintings are just OK. of course its a sizable undertaking just to drop these off with my entourage, in the rain, from a distant parking spot. the other guy's work was better.

really want to keep painting but I don't have any substrates (boards) or money. My friend brought me groceries with her link card and I was so humbled and grateful. Hoping to make a few dozen small paintings to sell. Have 3 weeks.

its all good.

2010-10-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to gather photos and video of all the work I've done and I'm such a jackass that I can't find any. I have documentation of ONE piece from grad school. What an ass. I made a bunch of videos, all process pieces: keeping a public journal along the bike path (before blogs), making a cross stitch of the president - then projecting the making of onto a frame of cross stitch fabric next to the actual cross stitch, a charcoal animation on family (projected onto the single sheet of paper it was made on), a four piece video installation on parenting and family for my thesis, making a 6 foot mandala out of ground up fruit loops - about parenting... all gone. I have nothing to show for my website. I guess in the university library there would be a copy of the thesis, but come on. I have 98, maybe 2003, 2005, absurd that I have nothing from 2006 - the year I graduated ART SCHOOL, 2008, 2009, and 2010 represented. Half... most of... my "career" is missing. I try to tell myself that it was all a process, part of what got me to now, all just ephemeral documentation - that's what I was into those years - family and the ephemeral - maybe why I was so half assed about maintaining good records... and that its OK, but for all that work, I should have something to show for it, for those times I need to jump through resume-style hoops.

2010-10-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Coming from the beef and corn center of the country where we don't like the taste of fish, I still marvel at how much my daughters still love fish flavored foods after a formative year in Japan.

I am experimenting with my paintings. I'm pouring epoxy resin directly over wet paint and oil. I honestly don't know what's going to happen, but I can't paint unless I can be openly impulsive. Hoping that I can just pour more layers of resin over any mistakes/cracks. I don't know why I keep painting portraits. I don't enjoy them. I only want to push paint around and experiment. I researched flower symbolism and half-assed some gladiolus onto Tania and Antoine - which mean 'love at first sight,' appropriate because Tania knew Antoine was hers as soon as she met him (foster-adoption.) But, I don't like painting the flowers either. Its fun to draw them for about 20 minutes, but I have no patience to make detailed florals. So I poured stuff all over them and made it about texture again.

I'll go take a picture.

2010-10-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

Feeling Inspired. Actually spent all morning, and then some, painting in the dining room. Chris sat across from me and read a magazine for awhile, the girls sat across and painted in tempera for awhile, and I handled all the stresses while maintaining inspiration and motivation. doesn't hurt that I have a painting due in less than a week. Almost done with one, hoping to finish 3.

Influences:

Hans Hofmann

Richard Diebenkorn

William Kentridge

Cy Twombly

Jean Michel Basquiat

Alice Neel

Keith Tyson

Joan Mitchell

Really liked Melissa Herrington at Art Chicago this year - uses resin.

Hung Liu

Squeak Carnwath - can't see the translucent alkyds on screen

Franz Kline

Agnes Martin

Helen Frankenthaller

Robert Motherwell

Robert Rauschenberg

Jasper Johns

What do these pieces have in common? Most of them have a balance of bold and subtle color, a play on texture, and are abstracted. I don't usually care for realism. Its the play of translucent layers of paint that really makes my heart pound. Its more universal if its non-objective. I like that; it lasts longer for me because I can continue to read it differently over time. Some are about line, some have text, some are cathartic. I relate to most of these pieces on an emotional-visual level that is above just seeing and beyond the appreciation I can conjure up for representational work. Some paintings give me a feeling that I have to swallow them whole, that I'm desperate to crawl inside them, to never look away. They induce a panic for their beauty. I don't know if I can ever make such a thing for another person to feel, but its important not to get caught up in realism and to continue to paint from this non-verbal, emotional-visual, panic, even cathartic state. To feel the painting, never to over-think it. (I'm guilty of some of that right now.)

The other day I saw a cut corn field FULL of geese and I imagined they were the crop and you could just pick one by it's long neck.

2010-10-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

made an octopus costume based on Chris' idea to use sweatpants. also making shredded scarves and memory wire bead bracelets. Need to finish painting for faculty show in one week. ... not sure if possible. good start but no time to myself till after I've run out of steaming. considering getting a coffee maker to fuel late-night painting. would like make a few dozen small paintings for a Christmas trunk show.

I am so tired. babysitting 4 kids today. had 9 over for art lessons. did homeschool with my 3. i love every one of these kids but its no wonder I want to escape to a magical world of Room and Board sometimes.

2010-10-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

this is that phase of life where your daughter is old enough to snottily take the neighbor's mail out of your mailbox and ask why you don't just walk it over there yourself, then agree to bring it over, but young enough that later you find that same envelope buried in her closet. You confront her about and she laughs. You get angry and slam the door open and make a hole in the wall with the knob. The three year old is still screaming about not getting a treat she found at 8PM. Screaming. You step out to put the neighbor's mail back in the box and the dog slips out. You chase the dog around the house and the dog rightly cowers in fear of you when caught. You're old enough to have some wrinkles but young enough to have a really painful zit on your nose that you tell your three year old not to touch so she immediately honks your nose and you shriek and she starts screaming again.

it doesn't matter because its 9 and the kids are in bed and I'm finally alone. Chris will be home soon and I can't wait to see him because I'm in love with him and I'm just looking forward to sitting with him. When I close my eyes I see his kind and smiling eyes. he has a beard again. We went to a show last night. It was fun. We met about 15 people there. It was surreal to walk down a dark, deserted city street and be approached from two directions by groups of friends. like we were in a musical about a gang of indie rock fans.

2010-10-15T09:32:00.000-07:00

the last week or two has been thrilling weather, the late afternoon fall sun gilding halos around my little girls' heads, the maple in the yard displaying pink red yellow orange and green. I started painting again, art lessons have gone well. This is a season that first brings back memories of when Chris and I first started dating and then turns into the weather when my cousin died. And I am depressed. totally unfocused and bored. and overwhelmed at the same time. and a cold. I got some bad news about family health that made my knees buckle - but everything will be alright. I'm wallowing it right now. I painted Gram and Pa's armchairs' legs red. My aunt would be so mad. But they look like sassy red tights on puce velveteen chairs. Shabby chic looks cute online but my house is starting to look too old lady. The dining room with it's fuschia curtains and each chair a different color is the best room in the house. Need more color. no more white - yawn.

2010-10-09T06:19:00.000-07:00

yesterday was hard. the week had been really busy with art lessons, mostly organizing them and buying more and more supplies, so I was really looking forward to a laid back Friday - such nice weather. started early - long dog walk. going to 3 stores with the kids was OK but then Charlotte had tantrums for hours because, although she could do whatever else she wanted, she had to do math and spelling if she wanted to watch TV. Eleanor instigated trouble amongst her sisters that resulted in screaming throughout the day and the occasional physical fight. And the dog DIARRHEA'd on the piles of the girls' clean clothes I had removed from their explosion of a bedroom the other day. I was exhausted. My Aunt Kathy stopped by late in the evening - I had invited her for some good vegetable soup I'd made all day with yeast rolls- and like a superhero did all of my dishes. She brought her granddaughter, who played/occupied my girls and THEN took the older two home for a SLEEPOVER. I LOVE Aunt Kathy. I needed that.

2010-10-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

right now in my fridge I have most of a gallon of raw milk, half a box of 24 cans of diet coke, and several dozen condiments. that's it. I just threw out some moldy jalapenos.

for breakfast, I had a smoothie with raw milk, frozen organic strawberries and blueberries I picked with my daughters, a head of romaine, azomite mineral powder, lemon flavored cod liver oil, and a little raw honey. right now, at 10:57PM, I'm having a diet coke and a totino's pizza.

what a douche.

My fantasy of remodeling the bathroom by the time my new art students came to the house for my new art school has turned the bathroom into an unusable mess. Class starts in 12 hours.

2010-10-03T18:53:00.000-07:00

drinking a starbucks pumpkin latte. 10 years ago tonight, Chris kissed me for the first time. I'd been drinking a syrupy hazelnut latte Betsy'd gotten me from the gas station. Tonight was my birthday date opportunity. We used the babysitting to continue painting the house. Today I painted 3 dining room chairs - sap green, light green, and orange, painted the coffee off white, painted the rest of the trim in the living room and foyer and painted the front door and closet doors, painted 12 windows. Chris changed the light fixture in the bathroom and sealed the walls. The next door neighbor brought over some of his ribs! I cleared out the girls' room except for one outfit each and I planted tulip, hyacinth, crocus and allium bulbs.

Charlotte has been sewing. She used the squeaker extracted from a store bought dog toy to sew Ramona a new squeak toy. I admired her recycling idea.

2010-10-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

several balls in the air. starting art lessons in house in a few days and have decided a home improvement list has to be finished first. This includes laying the rest of the mulch, finishing plastering and wallpapering the bathroom, (thank you Dan for replacing the pipes today!) and priming and painting trim and furniture.

and doors. and changing the light fixture in the bathroom and hanging trim in there. skimming the walls - laying on a smooth thin layer of plaster - to cover up the peeling paint that couldn't be sanded off - has been the most tedious bit but now, midnight, I think I can check that off. My dad came out and brought the old wingback chairs, a more manly choice than the previous chairs, and two really cute tables, one is a little kidney shaped writing desk. not sure where to put it. And then took me to Menards after we all had dinner together. He brought me a birthday card and a gift card to bed...beyond because I told him I wanted the lenox chirp shower curtain. so thoughtful.

Also prepping for art lessons, not entirely sure how I'll pay for materials before I have material fees from 15 students. Also working on a huge school project with a group and, as always, working on homeschooling. We had our science co-op this week and did an experiment measuring oxygen used by fire. Always fun to get together.

Eleanor had her first horse back lesson this week. such a beautiful location. ahh, I love fall.

Feeling sentimental lately, going through pictures, getting ready to frame and hang and make albums finally, really missing my grandparents.

Nice visit with big Charlotte this week.

Also cut Eleanor's hair on the way out the door this week. Couldn't take that monster knot in the back of her head one more minute.

2010-09-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

today I got up early with the dog, planted the mint, strawberries, and lettuce that Mary gave me last night, watered plants, turned on the tiller, remembered it was 8:30 on Sunday morning and turned it off, painted an end table, dug out the five front bushes with chainsaw, planted the 50% off climbing roses, clematis' and hydrangea I indulged in earlier this week, tilled the rest of the backyard and four corner beds in the front (Chris was unaware of this part of the plan - he's a grass fan somehow), planted wildflower seeds in the butterfly corner, planted morning glory seeds along the remaining bushes, took Gracie for a short bike ride, continued to let the girls watch as much TV as they liked, mixed high cal lime, gypsum, bonemeal, vetch seed, oat seed, and oilseed radish (Gracie helped) and sprinkled it all on the back beds, rearranged stepping stones, painted other end table, got two loads of mulch and Wendy's for dinner at 7, unloaded first half of second mulch load in the dark, watched Nim's Island with girls, put girls to bed and read from Alice in Wonderland, plastered the bathroom a bit, and sat down with a little ice-cream to check email. Getting all this done made me feel really good. A few more loads of free mulch and I'll be done outside for the year. ... Might pick up a clearance butterfly bush, though. And I have garlic bulbs coming in the mail. Might plant those next to the roses.

Gracie likes to garden. She demands to help and says things like, I like doing this. She was one when I started to garden seriously and spent that first summer sitting in soil and eating it.

We had a little party for my dad's birthday this week. I keep making cakes with cream cheese frosting. Its so good.
1 stick butter
2 8oz blocks of cream cheese
2 seconds pour of vanilla
powder sugar to taste - maybe 3 cups?
let mixer go for a long time for fluffy frosting.

2010-09-17T04:57:00.000-07:00

We got new living room furniture from my great aunt's estate that I'm really excited about. Will post image soon; thinking about painting all the wood white. Finally finished painting trim in dining room after starting at least a month ago. Painting windows is really boring. Have set a goal to finish my three big house projects before new art classes start in my dining room: bathroom plaster, wallpaper, floor tiles, and homemade curtains; paint living room trim and furniture white; and finish laying mulch on half the yard. Bought hairy vetch, oats, and oilseed radish to cover crop the area and just planted a patch of lettuce and sweet peas. Found a source of aged horse manure free but feeling overwhelmed about how many trips have to be made to cover the area. Wish I had a pick-up truck. What seats like a mini-van, hauls like a pick-up, and looks like an old bronco? Oh, and super fuel efficient? A unicorn?

Girls have been consistent with latest schedule: one does a dishwasher load, one does a load of laundry, one page of math, spelling/handwriting practice or quiz, journal entry, and 15 " novel reading of choice before lunch. It's an hour's worth of work asked for in a four hour window, in any order they want, that seems to be teaching them something about work before play, even if that play is invaluable unschooling. Besides, they love to read, and Charlotte enjoys making wonderful, illustrated journal entries. We are also still taking notes once a week on Story of the World and have set up a weekly meeting with one family for science projects and our new neighbor friends for weekly crafts. Charlotte is in ballet and this week her teacher made them all sit facing the wall instead of playing freeze dance at the end because two of the girls were goofing off. Charlotte says he's no fun but I'm pleased he's taking it seriously and already weeding out dancers from players. Eleanor is finishing archery, which she lights up about when asked, and starts horse back riding next week. They're the cheapest lessons I've found but at 25 a pop - which covers almost 2 hours of riding and grooming, she won't be doing anything else and won't be able to go every month. She's so thrilled about it though; I had been looking for something she would love as much as Charlotte loves ballet. Eleanor is a warrior.

I love my dog, Ramona Quimby. She keeps going in the house but that's my fault for not crating her consistently enough. Other than that, she's perfect. She lays at our feet when we're on the couch and has never run away. We let her loose in the woods this week and she never strays from us. She mostly lay under our picnic table. I love her velvet puppy ears; there's a little trim paint on one now.

Oh, PS, the bird has already found a new home.

2010-09-10T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today we had our friends over to make our final Rube Goldberg machine. We prepared for this by watching rube goldberg you tubes, especially this one,
and Bill Nye's simple machines episode.
Our project goal was to make a machine that would make chocolate milk and involve a wheel, wedge, lever, and inclined plane. Success!

In other news, I brought an old birdcage to my aunt's tonight because they were trying to catch a parakeet that had been hanging out in their yard for days before the cold hit AND went home with a new pet bird. Not the plan but it is pretty and would look nice in a round white hanging cage in the corner. Stay tuned for Chris' reaction.

2010-09-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

dropped dog off at 7am for spay and to remove double back dew claws. dog feeling expensive.
reading, writing, 'rithmatic. girls worked quietly on projects while I processed 7 dozen red peppers I got for four dollars.
took el to archery class. nice to see friends. started offering art classes for homeschoolers.
caught end of unschoolers' 'not back to school party.' I love those guys.

went to dad's tonight to clean out knick knacks. I hadn't shed a tear at the wake or funeral but seeing the house dismantled made it all feel real and I let it out. got a crying headache. picked some stuff out. girls came home with a box of junk they picked out on each of their laps. the house felt so lonely with the presence of gram and pa being moved out. the death of a place - the place that felt most like home. I brought some table linens home and they smell exactly like the house - the linen closet. I wrapped a tablecloth around my face, closed my eyes, and breathed in their smell as much as I could. It was summer again and Gram was there and I was 8. I sealed them in a bag in hopes they'll smell that way for a while.

had a party for violet last night. got pretty big and rowdy. fun. made red velvet cake with pink cream cheese frosting. house is getting very clean. clean and organized enough that I'm confident enough to hold art lessons here.

2010-09-06T04:26:00.000-07:00

So I drank too much caffeine at the wedding and I couldn't sleep so I've been online or cropping, printing and arranging photos for a birthday gift for my niece. While at the wedding, I asked my aunt's brother in law, whom I've never spoken with before, if he remembers where he got a necklace for my mom forty years ago, back when they dated briefly. Of course he didn't but memories were jogged and it was all very friendly. I had worn this particular necklace for ten years. It was so delicate and beautiful and the perfect length - I can't stand to have anything touch my chest and this sat right at my throat. It was like magic, I remember from when I was little, how the sparkles moved gently within the tiny glass sphere. When I was 20, I dropped it on a tile floor and it shattered. I cried. I searched for a replacement unsuccessfully for years. An old boyfriend had a pitiful replica made for me that was neither a sphere nor filled with crystals. So this morning, in my meditative state, achieved through no sleep and sitting here at the screen long enough, I found it. Its called a floating opal pendant. There were lots of them available and, with a little more searching, I found the same one! And bought it immediately. For $50. Perfect.
This one is similar, but mine was silver. You can't see how it moves inside and catches the light, but it gives an idea.

2010-09-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

The dog's name is Bailey. And its no longer up for discussion: out of my hands. ...I liked Ramona. This morning the whole family went to a park with a track; Chris and I jogged with the dog and the girls rode their bikes. Tonight we went to my cousin's wedding; it was fun.

I had sketched out (with rocks) the edges of next years garden beds and spent time today laying free city mulch on what amounts to about half the yard. One big chunk of that is just wood chips under the tire swing. I'm pretty excited about this project. Meanwhile, I haven't finished the bathroom walls or painting all the trim/windows. Free city mulch can include diseased trees; I'm hoping biozome soil probiotic will eat away any badness between now and spring. Will also lay down some free aged horse manure I was offered (!), high calcium lime, gypsum, bonemeal, and rock phosphate and maybe some azomite trace mineral powder. This area will get vegetables, flowers, and 2 mini-dwarf apple trees in the spring.

Most perfect and beautiful chandelier ever. Just under $700. Considering the 199 white Target chandelier and adding some strands of aqua beads, etc.

2010-09-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

monday was so long ago, but I know we did spelling, math , and reading in the morning and that I went grocery shopping with a menu list and painted window frames after the girls went to bed.

tuesday involved school clothes shopping with a generous friend, some babysitting of nephews, and dinner at tania's.

wednesday: spelling, math, and quiet reading before lunch, history after, then visited with Cote at their house, cleaned up house, then had new neighbor friend with her 3 girls come over, had carrot cupcakes and tea and she brought fresh challah.

thursday: read about the hanging gardens of babylon from history online. made connections with current physics project (pump system for getting the water from the euphrates up the fake mountain), girls made paintings about the gardens, I went to the gym, made fettucine with chicken and herbs and tomatoes from garden, Mary and kids stopped by for a lovely last minute visit, worked on physics project, went to Amy's for dinner and visit.

friday: read book about Maria Tallchief over breakfast, girls drew pictures about their future dreams: Charlotte -ballet, Eleanor -horses, math, spelling, (spellingcity.com). its 11:30 now and I'm taking a little break and trying to get organized.

Gracie has been making "school" difficult lately. She has her own math pages, tracing numbers and recognizing them, and uses starfall for letters, but she has an exceptionally demanding personality and between her yelling and the other girls' bickering, I feel like I'm earning my keep.

Been getting up with the dog at 6:30 every morning. Feels good. This morning I took care of the dog and did dishes before anyone got up. Her name is up for grabs still. Chris hated Alice, the girls like Ramona now, ...maybe Mabel.

2010-08-29T23:50:00.000-07:00

We got a dog! Our first dog ever. I feel like such a grown up with my house and my dog and my husband and 3 kids. Wow. I would have felt all restless and rebellious if it hadn't been so hard to get this far. I am naming her Alice Marcella after 2 of Pa's sisters. I already named Eleanor after the third (sister.) She looks like an Alice. White with red spots English Pointer. Pictures to come. 4 months or so. Rescue dog - awesome shelter. Can finally hang up obsessive petfinder addiction.

Funeral and wake were very nice. I've enjoyed the time with family and didn't shed a tear. I love Pa and I'll miss him, but his life was so great and his passing was so ideal that I really feel more celebratory than sad about 92 good years. My cousins and I were pall-bearers again. I thought we all looked so nice and grown up in our black suits. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

I went back to the house tonight to introduce "Alice" and participate in the "who gets what furniture" game. There is a blue butterfly plate from Brazil - at least 60 years old, that I had always wanted and asked Pa for, and apparently it was a hot item that several people wanted. When I got there, they tricked me that it was going to a mean aunt we don't really talk to. They got me. Said my veins were popping out of my neck. I was trying to play it cool - but it wasn't really about the object - it was about these distant, pushy relatives and wanting everybody to stand up to them. As soon as I got home, I set about hanging it in a safe, very high place on the wall. Chris took over and accidentally removed a chunk of plaster instead, so its in a closet for now. They will kill me if it breaks.

It's 2 in the morning and our puppy hasn't cried once in the crate. In fact, in the 12 hours we've had her, I haven't heard a peep from her. We had looked at her sister first - very rambunctious but livable, then looked at Alice just for the heck of it, and she walked right to me and curled up in my lap and I felt her long velvety ears and it was all over. She and I went for a little jog after the kids went to bed. This was in lieu of sitting down to eat cookies. I also keep picking up the house because I don't want her to chew anything. She's already a serene little personal trainer and flylady all in one.

2010-08-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Pa died sometime Saturday night. Before he went to bed, he said to his three kids, who all happened to be there, "in case I check out,.." and went on to tell them how much he loved them and their life together and how great they all were. I spent Sunday at Pa's/my dad's, sorting some plans out and just being together. I feel more love for family than a sense of loss, as he led a happy and long life and passed peacefully, but today I am exhausted and I don't feel like doing any homeschooling or anything really that involves getting off the couch.

2010-08-18T08:32:00.000-07:00

Its that time of year again when, even though I've become more confident and comfortable with my decision to homeschool, I feel a little panicky as the rest of the kids go back to school and Eleanor wonders why she doesn't just join them. The girls have been bickering a lot and (some) very argumentative with me. I think they just need some structure and challenge. I've been reading about problem based learning and thinking that will be our focus for now.

I've been painting the house lately and looking for a dog. I settled on just the right aqua for the hallway (after painting it the wrong aqua) but we haven't found the right rescue dog yet.

We saw My Morning Jacket last night. They were awesome. Chris took me to see Eat, Pray, Love at one of those theatres that serve food. The book was so much better - hard to stuff all that into 2 hours, the food was sub-Denny's, but the company was exquisite. I love my husband. He joined the girls and I for a nature walk the other day. That was especially nice because Gracie screamed the whole way there and Eleanor whined the whole way back.

We went to Michigan together last week for the day with some friends and had the best time at the beach. This weekend we had his parents over for dinner as a response to the ten years of Sunday BBQ's we've had at their house. It went really well and I enjoyed their company. My dad called while they were over and I cried because I was afraid he was calling to tell me Pa was dying. I talked to Pa yesterday and he sounds very different, like he can barely talk. I hung up and cried. I am a pre-griever.

2010-08-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

Took a little trip up to Michigan to mooch off BFF's vacation. Picked blueberries on the way up and peaches on the way back, swam in the lake, rode horses and go-karts, had lots of fun and a little ice-cream and smores: 2 days.

I saw my dream car since I was 12 up there and Dan was around to tell me what it is, a 72 bronco. Really any bronco from 66 to 77, turquoise, with a roll bar and huge tires. I'm not a car person and I don't deserve one because I want to drive it and not baby it, but if I could have any car, that'd be it. same for 20 years.

2010-08-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

The puppet theatre and table of supplies for independent sock puppet construction.

My two best sisters.

Annual grotto picture in the sun.

I photographed my friend Amy's wedding this weekend.

I really loved this one with her son and the toad he'd found.
Last month or so we went to Turkey Run. The trails were really beautiful. My grandparents honeymooned there.

Despereaux died and we had a funeral.
I was a bit depressed this spring and didn't put much up. Below is from a difficult photoshoot of all the grandkids.

Easter

Ballet recital

Gracie had a birthday, too.

We all 5 went to family day at the CSO.

See that face and know I'm in trouble.

2010-07-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

stayed up past 5. It felt great to paint in the basement. without the pressure of creating a masterpiece, painting is my favorite. listened to the Beastie Boys and painted big and sloppy, in a Tshirt and underwear. felt like college. concluded I only like painting big sloppy and colorful. occurred to me that, in fact, I am big, sloppy and colorful - everything about me is. I painted the chairs, painted the boards for the theatre, baked the cakes, and made 6 of 40 napkins before calling it quits on that idea and going to bed. Just finished assembling the puppet theatre outside: Yay for duct tape. And man is it hot out. taking a little break before I wash the floor. I know, nobody cares. We all had french toast and bacon together and talked about when Eleanor was born for a long time. Chris took all the girls to see Despicable Me. Fun for all, including me. Yes. I now find more pleasure in cleaning alone than in seeing a movie. Its all about context.

2010-07-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

We're having a party tomorrow. I try to keep it casual but I always start too many projects when I'm on 'we're having a party' adrenaline rush. It is 10:00. P.M. The only thing I've accomplished so far is most of the shopping. Arracheras go on sale tomorrow, so I'll just get in line with everyone else waiting to get 10# tenderized then. What I had the audacity to think I would get done before bed today (and totally confident of until the last five minutes in the car when all girls started screaming or crying about 9PM):

paint circus stripes on 3 4'x8' pieces of cardboard
jigsaw circus-like curly-q's into these
assemble into a puppet theatre with hinges
bake a 3 tier cake
make the frosting
sew 40 napkins (I bought and cut 10 kinds of fabric to make reusable napkins yesterday when I also bought 3 dozen settings of IKEA kids tableware so we never buy paper goods for a party again.)
paint dining room chairs (same paint as puppet theatre)
assemble puppet making craft for party guests
Don't stress out Chris with too many projects

Tomorrow: make special birthday breakfast, grocery shop, make guacamole, make fruit basket out of a watermelon, clean house, frost cake, put that bed lying against the house - that I dragged up from the basement by myself a month ago that Chris says we can't put on the curb because his friend in Colorado might sleep over one day even though he never has and we don't have a mattress for it - back in the basement, shower, don't stress Chris out with too many projects.

No wonder I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown by the time anyone shows up.

Pa had another small stroke and went into the hospital today. Each one feels like a wave goodbye. Will meditate on this while making red velvet cakes.

2010-07-20T01:19:00.000-07:00

My friend Amy invited the girls and I to collect honey today. I was a little nervous at first but no one got stung and it was no big deal. The kids spent hours making structures out of scrap wood.
Yesterday Chris and I went to Pitchfork to see Pavement. It was pretty fun. At first it was boring because so many of the bands were no energy. I spent some time sitting and staring at the ground (looking stoned) really focused on a painting series I've been formulating.

I should be writing a simple lesson for class - it's 3 in the morning and two cups of coffee this afternoon have me still shaking my leg - but I'm actually still procrastinating. I will have little choice but to continue this cycle of caffeine use in four hours to make it through class.

We are having an awesome summer. I'm enjoying the kids so much, I'm enjoying Chris, we have a social engagement almost every day, sometimes two, and you can tell we've been having fun because the house is a neglected disaster. Time to invite someone over for motive.

2010-07-10T22:02:00.000-07:00

planted strawberries and rhubarb today, dripped sweat tilling the whole side yard, marked spots for stepping stones and espaliered fruit tree coming next spring. had a friend over for lunch, then another stopped by to drop off all those plants and stayed for tea. I felt like life is very good and full of friends. Now I just feel tired. Took kids to great america yesterday - home at 1AM. Took students to the loop (then met the kids at the pool afterward...then had birthday cake at T's) the day before. Cleaned the house and had my new friends from Chile over the night before that. house is still a little clean. been enjoying green smoothies this week. for example, 2 small mangoes, an orange, a celery stick, a leaf of kale, and two fistfuls of greens in the vita mix. I love it. change the recipe everyday to balance nutrients and give body variety. Tonight, E and G and I stood in the street pulling on a rope tied to the tree that Chris was hacking off. We finally cut it down! I wondered if our new neighbors had bets on whether we'd bring down our gutters - sorry ladies, no damage. Gracie tantrum-ed for an hour when she saw the super fun jungle gym - aka, the the trunk - was going to be sawed into little bits, as though it were a new pet that was being cut into bits. the humanity. we saved her about 300 pounds worth of an interesting bridge shape of trunk to be dragged into the backyard for keeps, but she was fixated on 'the whole thing.'

Kids are getting stars for goals on a chart this week - trial for getting organized. There are a few chores and hygiene tasks, but also fun things like 'play outside,' 'field trip,' and 'swim.' I promised them we would go to the library (they are very into the reading program this year), a pool, and a field trip every week. Last week we went to Cantigny with A and O.

2010-06-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

I'm drinking a raw meal replacement shake I got to boost me back on the wagon in these times of lazy eating: it tastes like throw up.

Breyers has vamped up the marshmallow swirl in their rocky road and now it's even more irresistible.

I stopped writing when I got depressed and it got too personal. I started going to an art therapist and its the most decadent thing I do all week. My mojo is back.

I'm waiting to buy Chris Black Keys tickets online at exactly 10...

Aargh. Fail. They sold out in less than 3 minutes, which is how long it took to create a new account when I didn't have his password.

In other news, the farm job was going really well, the girls and I were really enjoying it, then it ended abruptly when the management parted ways with each other. I was really bummed out about for a week or two and then put some seeds in my yard and built an herb spiral. This is how I came to my obsession with bishop's weed.

That perfectly innocuous "snow on the mountain" can turn green, perhaps an effect of too much nitrogen and not enough phosphorus? and become incredibly invasive.
I have spent at least 60 hours pulling it. It's satisifying, frustrating, and totally obsessive. It covers about 180 square feet of my yard, mostly in mixed perennial beds, where its roots wrap around the roots of desirables and choke them out. It's in the 3 neighboring yards and my next door neighbor that I talk to has been fighting it for ten years - so the prognosis is dim. Just this Saturday I pulled 8 stuffed paper grocery bags out. You have to dig down about ten inches and sift out every bit of root or it will start a new plant. It's even in the lawn now. I may just have to move to container gardening.

The herb spiral is cute. My cousin and I collected rocks for it in a secret wooded location where an old farmhouse had been torn down and forgotten. Free rocks hauled on the most humid day of the year was just what I'd been waiting for. Only now I think I might need to move the spiral because it gets more sun than I thought it would and the parsleys look really sad. I also bought clearance grapes and hardy kiwi vines but now I need to spend money to build an arbor. Chris says he'll help me build it next weekend.

This last weekend he did the warrior dash. It looked like so much fun that I'm going to do it with him next year.

He is dressed as the greatest american hero. We actually missed seeing him race but we had a good time with my dad (on father's day) sloshing around in the mud eating bbq and watching other racers jump over fire and slide face first into mud.

I've been jogging and sometimes making it to a zumba class. We saw Eli Paperboy Reed weekend before last and I attribute my inhibition free sober dancing to the fun I've had in zumba. It's been over a year now since I've had a drink. I don't know why Eli Reed isn't more popular. He played the Empty Bottle! Great for us, but not for him. It wasn't even packed.

This weekend we saw Delta Spirit at the Metro which was also fantastic. He connects with audience and pours his heart out, making eye contact, demanding and begging audience participation, then he stood outside the venue for at least an hour, shaking hands and grinning for everyone's pictures. I've never seen a singer so giving and friendly.

Maybe I should start taking my own phone videos.

By the way, the power hour lasted 3 weeks and now I have a hard time waking up before 8 again.

2010-04-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Poop will be my undoing at the farm. Not the manure, I shoveled that today - no problem. But little G pooped in her pants, we had to drive out to Wal Mart to use a toilet, then she had to go again so I fashioned a "toilet" from a plastic grocery bag, that worked well, but then she pooped in her pants again. (today was first time she EVER pooped in pants ) Had to go home for a bath. Had to leave 3 hours early and there's SO much to do there. Drove home with El crying about the poop smell and having to sit next to Gracie, a little bag of poop and pee at my feet, overhead light dangling maniacally - no longer stays when shoved back into car ceiling - I wondered why I'm doing this anyway. I wondered, after leaning up against it to eat lunch and noticing it had no tread, if the front tire would blow. I wondered if I would run out of gas before Friday. I sat in traffic. Cherub Rock came on and the day seemed sunny again, I felt the optimism of being 16 seep into my being. I rocked out. Eleanor stopped yelling and stuffed her nose into a book. The other two fell asleep.

While I'd hoped to be a serious team member and agriculture student, I may be fooling myself to think I'm anything more than a quirky suburban housewife playing farmer. Does driving a shitty sedan and really needing the money give me any more cred than if I drove a fancy SUV and didn't worry about grocery money? Am I perceived as a a soccer mom? I recently heard myself referred to as 'the artist.' That was always one of the big appeals for me with art. A license to be a quirky slob. What's wrong with her? homeless? mentally ill? Oh an artist, I see, how delightful. I don't even have to make anything -other than a mess of myself- anymore. the label's out.

I long to throw myself into these projects (like the farm) with a 60 hour a week passion because that's how I work, but I can't. I can only be a hobbyist while I'm homeschooling young kids and I always forget not to be disappointed that I can't be hardcore. I know, I can be a hardcore homeschooler - but I always get distracted because I start looking for ways to make money because we don't have enough and then I get really interested in different ideas and want to take them all the way. Last week I had us all moving to Japan again. (It was a good idea.)

Is the level I can take the farm to this summer worth the drive and frustration of juggling the kids while trying to speed-seed? I think so. So far. I'm learning a lot, the kids play outside, and its fun when they're not pooping or screaming or complaining. I multi-task everything else, folding clothes while answering math questions, breaking up fights while cooking dinner, holding a demanding Gracie while demonstrating yoga poses to the older girls.

Last week I started the power hour. At 7:30 AM the girls are woken (El's always awake already and Charlotte's always asleep) and we do yoga together for 20 minutes, then they do 2 pages in their math book and a chapter or 2 of Rosetta Stone French while I make dinner for breakfast, then we all eat together and I clean up right away (cleaning up right away may not sound worth mentioning except that its a new step for me.) So far we've had 80% follow through over the last 2 weeks. It puts us in a mood for getting things done instead of the lazy cloud that sometimes fogs over and leaves me paralyzingly depressed. I've had a 40% success rate with getting up before the power hour to work out and shower. This makes for the best day because I get the endorphins going and I don't feel like a dirty slob just crawled out of bed. I've discovered Zumba - latin dance aerobics. Really fun - gets me out the hard shell I've been building.

This week we started our first unit study. Eleanor chose elephants, so we went to the library on Monday and looked for fiction and non-fiction sources. We started by reading and discussing The Blind Man and the Elephant and then covered some basic facts, but I have to learn how much to expect from them. I tend to start writing out a proper outline like we're going to write a ten page term paper and that falls on deaf 7 & 8 year old ears. My goal is to explore biology, ecology, culture, literature, geography associated with the topic they chose and then have them make a little booklet, writing information they've collected and illustrating or otherwise art-ing it up. Yesterday we read a book about elephants who paint. see www.elephantart.com We explored the website and I didn't ask anybody to take notes. Tomorrow I hope to do some painting that can be added to the booklet. In my mind, I'm trying to think of the best format for these booklets, as I imagine they will all be lined up on a shelf one day for them to keep and enjoy, looking somewhat uniform, then I remember that's partly crazy talk and I can expect no uniformity ever anywhere. So we'll just start with some paper and staples and I'll try not to be so OCD.

2010-04-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

Drove the tractor today, tilled, tried to make straight lines. went to Eleanor's end of camp play. Charlotte filmed it and Eleanor accidentally deleted it. there was a lot of moaning. was going to meet Liz with all kids at art opening but the kids were dirty/hungry/exhausted/crabby/fighting and ended up driving half way there, sitting in the Target parking lot trying to decide if I should buy a hairbrush and some fresh shirts or just go home. ended up at dad's, had a nice visit with Pa. he was so social today, he came out in his robe and slippers in the back yard to hang out with us kids and feel the weather. Also hung out with Ray and Nicole today. They came to see the play and it was their anniversary. I enjoyed. Yesterday was also so beautiful. Drove a different old tractor, a 1950 ford. fun. Bill's a great teacher - gives minimal instruction, then walks away - no over explaining or nagging or criticizing. empowering. Charlotte and Gracie played for four hours while I fertilized raspberry bushes. They are so amazing. the girls. gracie drew pictures of the raspberry bushes and Charlotte photographed the farm with my phone. I love working outside. The day before that we went to a nature museum. Gracie photo-ed some great shots - I love seeing her perspective. Will def. go back to draw the specimens there. Really enjoyed the home school group. Didn't like being held to a tight schedule and 2 hours of driving every day for Eleanor's camp. In Joel Salatin's book, You Can Farm, he talks a bit about not spending money on these sort of suburban activities for your kids and I think back to it for permission to opt out of this part of the culture without feeling guilty.

This is the week that everything came to life, buds, then blooms - I relished the first days. I gasped audibly, driving past a yard covered in tiny purple flowers (vinca?) and today, there was some hay laying over logs in a wooded valley along the road that looked exactly like afghan hounds.

negative

2010-03-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

We saw the how to train your dragon movie today for Nate's birthday. It was awesome. We wedged it right in there between a bike ride to Alex' baseball game and picking Eleanor up from camp. So far I do not like this camp or anything affiliated with this theatre group. Never again. As a hater and non-participator, squatting off to the side of this type of group setting of parents more of the soccer set is like tickling a raw nerve. Clearly the problem is me, but I don't think my children need these sort of expensive, "organized" activities to turn out alright. I'm only taking her there because I couldn't get a full refund from the first class I signed her up for (and ran from screaming - no I won't sign your contract to volunteer 20 hours and pay that much money and tolerate this level of chaos after seeing how terrible the last play was at this location [if I only saw our local group first, and not the more distant, far superior sect - I never would have signed her up]) ... and she wanted to go.

Last night Chris and I had a rare date. I started out very crabby because I have developed a worse than usual body image problem. Halfway through dinner we were having a good time and then we went to see Greenburg. Save your money and just watch the trailer online. That's all the good parts. The character development was good, I could understand the urge to make such a movie, but I had my own urge to just turn it off at some point.

Two words. Carol's Cookies.

I am still working on mailing out my Christmas packages to Japan.

I'm in a desperate, anxious race to get organized but I'm running through mud.

Dropping off neat little parcels of negativity makes me feel lighter.

2010-03-08T10:17:00.000-08:00

For lunch today we had miso soup, seaweed salad, rice with furikake, and longings for Japan. I want to go back so bad.

I instituted a new schedule this morning - only schoolwork and chores before lunch. I feel very productive and am enjoying a break before dishes. The girls are playing Mario Brothers right now which doesn't feel too bad since they did French and Math and History and Writing already. Charlotte picked up and Eleanor did laundry and changed the hamster cage. Gracie made things very hard especially during history, grabbing my face and pushing it into hers, squealing and climbing on my lap and springing back when removed, while the other two asked for different spellings at the same time. For a moment I thought I would cry for auditory overload, but we plowed through and studied ancient China.

Dell-icious

2010-03-04T19:31:00.000-08:00

We went to the Dells this weekend. I felt like we were rich people, being able to go up there for the night and eat out and stay at the water park. Thank you, tax return. The trip was clearly for the kids. It was so crowded Sunday - overwhelming. Long lines of crabby white people and big hairy potbellies bouncing around like those colorful punching bags you run through as a kid. As much as everyone else walks around the hotel in swarms like they're leaving the fireworks all at once and in nothing but their bathing suits, I found it totally humiliating to traverse the halls in a T-shirt and my cellulite. I don't want to go back, but if we do, I'll spring for the cover-up dress. There was a gay Manhattanite in my head screaming incredulously at the dearth of style amongst the ten thousand or so people there... beating me up in my mind. I am every bit as Midwestern as everyone there, except I'm one of the ones who knows better - you think I'm in a coma but I hear you. I was so stressed out by the crowd and my own body image issues and Eleanor's sass, that by the next morning, I broke down crying in the Indian Trading Post over some cheap Native American dolls that reminded me of one I got when I was little. I left without it, then went back in to get it, then came back to the car and saw how cheap it was and wanted to get rid of it. I asked Chris to return it for me. "No way." me: "I can't have this thing in the house reminding me of how crazy I'm acting this morning." him: "Send it to your sister with a note that says remember going to the dells when we were kids." me: "Good idea." We went to McDonalds where I watched footage of the earthquake damage in Chile and thought our money would have been much better spent sent to Chile or Haiti for aid. I finally relaxed briefly in the wave pool later that afternoon. My idea of a relaxing vacation involves exploring nature with very few people around or exploring culture with very few Americans around. The water park capital of the nation is the opposite of that. If we ever save up enough for Disney World, I'll probably hate that too. But you know what the kids' idea of a great vacation is? Indoor water parks and Disney World.

I got to pick out 30 varieties of tomatoes for the farm this week. I picked seven different color cherry varieties. I picture them together in baskets like big juicy marbles - striped varieties too.

We had a productive day today. The girls did French and math and read independently - one Little Women, and one Anne of Green Gables. They're reading the condensed children's versions. I didn't ask them too. I just bought several in the dollar aisle at Target last year and they just now bothered with them. Eleanor sat in a sunny corner of her room yesterday for hours reading Little Women. Today they squeezed this in between watching Shirley Temple shorts first thing in the morning and then spending all afternoon at Tania's. I've been freaking out about homeschooling lately. I swing between thinking I should offer them some kind of University of Chicago lab school experience and some kind of Waldorf-y unschool experience. I'm either totally confident or a totally depressed failure. Artists classically put the whole pressure of their worth into whether their work is good. Not only do I think I suck because I haven't made work in a year, but I lock in my self worth to how well I perceive myself to be educating the girls. I don't need a supervisor at work or as a home-educator (I don't have either) because I beat myself up harder than any boss would. I'm aware that this is wrong but I don't know how to tease it apart. I'm feeling a little better today. I exercised.

2010-02-16T19:47:00.000-08:00

Charlotte kept crying because Gracie kept knocking it down. In the background it can be seen that I am still lazily contemplating making the sari curtains.

The girls made paintings for their book reports for history club. This is Eleanor's. It was her idea to take a photo, then print out copies to cut up as puzzles and bring for the other girls to make her report more interesting. She had very clear ideas and I tried to stay out of her way.

We visited my brother and his family and Gracie really loved holding her cousin Charlie.
We went to Starved Rock this weekend to see the eagles and hike. We didn't do too much hiking, but my dad treated us to lunch at the lodge. I was excited because I always wanted to eat there as a kid and this was my first time.

Aw hell's yeah. Look at this link on design milk brought to my attention by apartment therapy. Flaming Lips house.

And Chris can't see why I'm interested in cob.

The other week I was really excited about the idea of making marionettes and putting on crazy shows - which would take performance, sculpture, painting, sewing, writing, collaboration - I love to work across media! - but this week I'm really thinking about making clothing. I envision a very limited line - skirts, day dresses, aprons, flowers for pins/hair, scarves - and MAYBE printed T's, but everyone has those - they'd have to be truly fantastic - and if we were a store, pause to visualize, we would also carry tights, cardigan sweaters, and really great boots. Everything would run from size 18 months to size 18, cause I think this is a good look for girls of any age. There is a blogger, dottieangel, that works this look just right for my taste. This is the look I've generally been shooting for for about 16 years since I discovered my first 60's house dress. It was the first of a horrendous collection, found in the basement of my punkest friend's apartment. The rest were mostly bought around Clark and Belmont in Chicago. So ugly. And always with a vintage cardigan sweater or a hoody. I am ready to graduate from hoodies just now, but I never returned to old house dresses after junior college. I don't have a single one left. Anyway, I was re-inspired because for our anniversary Chris bought me tall pink Hunter wellies! Yay! Great with a skirt and wool tights, great in the rain, and GREAT for mucking around a muddy farm. But I don't have any skirts, so I thought I would make one.

Right. at this very moment. I am eating banana cream pie. Marie Callendar's frozen pie. And at the same time, my obliques ache in a really good way because I'm on week seven of insanity. That's the kind of asshole I am. If you come to my house, I will offer you celery juice and chocolate chip cookies.

2010-02-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

We had an earthquake last night. Like a 4. Chris and I both woke up and he said it was an earthquake. That seemed absurd to me so I declared it was a giant salt truck (the roads were really bad when I came home last night) and went back to sleep. It sounded more like an explosion, but there were no lights or sirens or voices, so . sleep. Tania called me in the morning and asked if we felt the earthquake. So exciting! Like a snowstorm in the South. Naturally, Bumblebee spent the morning reading and discussing earthquakes and plate tectonics and Pangaea. Charlotte had knocked out her math before I woke up again and I used Eleanor's stopwatch to time her on her math. The idea of beating her time with each math page was very motivating for her. 11 minutes total. Normally well over an hour. Then she did math drills on the computer and fired up the French on her own. Meanwhile, Charlotte played intensely with legos. I made walleye and tiny potatoes for lunch. The roasted carrots that Eleanor peeled weren't ready in time. Then I forgot them. Some of them are very sweet and delicious if you scrape them off their charred half. After lunch I folded all the laundry while we watched The Sound of Music. I haven't seen it in years; its a family favorite. When we were kids, my cousin Tania, two years older, made us sing So Long, Farewell at every family party. I was always the older boy. (Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you) Beth was always Liesel. Chrissy was always Gretel. I noticed so many things in the movie that I hadn't as a kid or teenager. I love that movie like an old family quilt. Tania called about two hours into it and invited us to dinner. I love my family.

2010-02-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

My mom met the girls and I in the woods for a walk last week.

The snow was rainbow glitter.

These were the tracks of field mice dragging their tails.

Eleanor took some nice pictures.

She also pretended to be a moose.

The girls, thanks to the generosity of my brother and his wife, started French via Rosetta Stone. Eleanor really shined here. She seems to be very motivated by the game-like nature of the program and because I told her that fashion designers should know French. Eleanor wants to be a fashion designer. We looked at Tim Gunn's 10 classic pieces today and picked out daydresses for ourselves. When I say "picked out" I mean we surfed around and said what we liked. We like different things.

I'm going through a late-blooming francophile phase. As I tiptoe into middle age, I'm thinking about the sort of woman I want to be and this appeals to me more than ever. Something to do with inner confidence and lifelong sexiness, helped in part by good skincare, good underwear, and a good haircut. I tell myself this fits in just fine with farming because French women are more in touch with traditional eating and cooking from scratch and where that scratch comes from. Of course I can grow food and look great. I'm not becoming a monk. I'm just going to need a big hat.

I went to a farm workshop last week. I learned so much and walked away believing that I can really be a farmer. I also met a chef last week who seemed interested in ordering produce from the farm I'm working on this summer but I haven't heard back from him so my excitement has waned.

What I love about eco-ag farmers as a group is their relatable balance of pragmatism and dreams. In the context of some pretty dry and practical information sharing, I met another person who dreamed of an artist residency on the farm and a woman who was adding a vegetable farm to her zen retreat.

2010-02-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

Game of the week: using ONLY what we have in the house to eat this week. While the impetus for this clever game is having ONLY $30 in the bank for the week (for gas) (and no credit cards) - (and because as an adjunct professor, I do not get a paycheck between Christmas and Valentine's) - I still think its sort of fun. Today I made chili, in part with beans I boiled from dry and then froze in jars - at least a year ago, and a strawberry rhubarb crumble with strawberries we picked in June but have been too lazy to use since I froze them in two big gallon blocks. Tomorrow, I thaw the cheese collection, including triangles of cheese I saved from the baby shower last month.

We picked up my mom at the airport and she took us to Russell's for lunch. I haven't been there in forever. My Grandma went there after her prom. I could see our family eating together with her and Pa when we drove past the picnic tables outside. It still looks the same.

Per my game rules, we can accept a meal, but not money, so Russell's - OK.

Last week Charlotte woke up, dressed, and did her math before I got up. Since then, both girls have been doing math every morning, first thing. The schedule is evolving, so far, to follow with breakfast, quiet novel reading, my workout and their playtime - although they're starting to join me, and then history or science or literature discussion and writing in their journals. The dining room table has been covered in paints, embroidery, etc. for at least a week, so they are revisiting that quite a bit.

Gracie is sitting next to me playing carnival games on the DS and sucking on a candy cane shotglass. I asked how old her cabbage patch baby was today and she said 24. Her speech has exploded and I think she's grown two inches since thanksgiving. I don't know. Maybe one. She just looks older.

************

Kids in bed. Reading them a folk tale before bed each night from a collection - tonight: Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Pretty violent bedtime reading for three little girls... Last night was my favorite so far - The Son of Seven Queens.

The dishes aren't going to get done tonight either. I'd rather practice the guitar. Chris probably won't find that as amusing as I do. I am running around picking up before he gets home. ... I'm not above kicking loose change under the couch.

2010-01-21T20:45:00.000-08:00

Welcome Charley, my new little nephew.

2010-01-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

William Kentridge - Journey to the Moon

love.

2010-01-18T16:40:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite pieces of art.

Yesterday I went with my friend Sarah, who was my undergrad roommate, to the Smart Museum in Chicago to see the show Heartland. There were 3 pieces in the show I enjoyed.

Cleave, Greely Myatt

Ziggurat East/Fisher Body, Detroit, Scott Hocking

and Dear Trusted Associate, Deb Sokolow

The inspiration came from my general dislike of the show outside of these 3 pieces. The concept was generally to take an American road trip and come back with a response, a collection of artists from various heartland cities. (The show was co-curated by and shown at a Dutch museum as well.) But- it felt more like a haphazard scavenger hunt. Not the best or most interesting selections, no sense of longing or desire to linger and determine relationships between the works - some of the Kansas City stuff was just really awful. It was as though they set out and grabbed the first of what they found: black art, check. gay art, check. bad installation art, check. lots of art that looks like dry documentation, check. Actual documentation of process of curating that was expressly not an artwork, interesting. It was the kind of show that makes one feel, or maybe just me, that I could do this. I would do it differently and I would like it better my way. The formally educated woman with good ideas rustled a little under her homeschool mom hat. (Please visualize the hat as a sort of four foot diameter straw number, and the rustling me as that muppet character from Fraggle Rock who was like a compost pile.)

Ah, there it is:

2010-01-13T13:09:00.000-08:00

2010-01-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

School's been going well. I have the girls keeping new journals on history, etc. - topic of the day/week. Some are their words, some dictated by me. We finished Egypt and talked about Sumer today in Story of the World. Chris took the day off work yesterday and we all went to the Field Museum (to top off Egypt.) I was happy that he came with us - it felt like vacation. We spent the rest of the day with friends and had delicious pizza, apparently Obama's favorite.

Chris shaved off his beard. At one point I really dug that dirty hippie look, so I was OK with his giant face-hat, but I think he looks really hot now. I can't stop looking at him; he's a new man. He shaved off half of it one night, and the other half (right down the middle of his face kind of half) he left, partly because he thought the girls would like to cut it the next morning and partly because he thought it was funny. And that's why I love him - he thinks of his children and he is weird in a funny, creative way.

2010-01-06T14:48:00.001-08:00

I love the twilight this time of day, year -I love that the snow has continued to blanket the neighborhood, making it quieter, blue-er. I love the contrast of the cold blue light outside with the pink and yellow light inside, where my girls are in T shirts, painting together at the table. We had a good day today. We focused one at a time on Ancient Egyptian agriculture - they are reading, summarizing, and writing in their own words. Yesterday we did something similar with art history - they each chose a work from a book, drew it, and wrote a description and opinion. My friend Amy came over this morning and for the second day in a row we did the insanity workout. Its great - really challenging and so far followed by a healthy, shared meal. I couldn't ask for more. I like to laugh at my muscle exhaustion half way through. The girls and I played hide and seek today for quite a while. It felt magical, just the four of us focused on each other in the quiet house. I hid under blankets on the top bunk and they couldn't find me. I looked for yarn in the basement for nearly an hour so I could teach them how to knit... found lots of other interesting stuff. Also made the supply list for my teaching job. That's another hour.

My mom and Terry came over tonight for dinner and a drawing lesson. It was really nice family time.

The girls and I made our new house homier by taping up every painting they made and a world map and an ancient Egyptian timeline. looking more familiar. the last house was wallpapered in kids' art.

cynical rock-crowd anthropologist

2010-01-01T09:02:00.001-08:00

Why the Black Keys New Years Eve show was supposed to be awesome but wasn't.

Chris LOVES the Black Keys, and so do I. Dan Auerbach has been my favorite of the year. I was really looking forward to meeting several other couples to see this show. I spent the afternoon with a friend, running around to stores, and got home a little late. This sets a tone because being later than planned - not even late, just not as early as anticipated, makes Chris upset. Fair enough. I was sorry, passive aggressiveness bounced back and forth from both sides. Very little residual consequences by the time we got to my dad's to drop the kids off.

Of course its freezing in Chicago on December 31. I wore my sleeping bag coat, only waited outside fifteen minutes - still part of the price to pay to enjoy the band. I should have known there was going to be a problem when there was no line for ladies and I had to wait inside for Chris to get through the men's line. (pat down) I had a nice little conversation with a girl about how this is a guy's band, while we waited for our guys.

We stood up front - my idea, I want the personal, visceral experience of being right there with the band. We waited an hour for the opening act. My back hurts before the band even starts. This Enormous man, maybe 400 pounds or so and 6'5" was next to me and for inexplicable reasons, kept inching me over, even while just waiting for the bands. I tried to stay my ground. My arms just sank into his hot flesh. I can't stand to be touched. Especially by gross, sweaty stoners. Our friends had a hard time breaking through the crowd to stand with us, even before the music. There seemed to be a lot of out-of-towners - sounded like Ozark accents. Lots of frat types too. And some girls dancing sexy to the cd's playing before the show, whipping their hair in my friend's face over and over. They looked like little kids trying to get the drunk frat boys to look at them.

The opening band was SO BAD. They looked like gross stoners at varying stages of aging. Greasy long hair, a bad leather jacket, not like a Ramones jacket, but like a your-dad jacket. Chris said the drummer looked like mama from throw mama from the train. The singer was young and his hair was quite bouncy, but his voice was something that shouldn't get past a dreadful teenage metal talent show, let alone part of a 60 dollar bill. Enormous was still pushing me and everyone, including the seven footer in front of me, started smoking pot. Enormous was also super mean, screaming at the band. I didn't like the band at all, but I felt bad for them because of this kind of heckling.

The Black Keys took another half hour to start after the opening band. Another part of the price to pay - so much waiting. When they did start, the crowd rushed the stage. For the first time in all my concert going experiences, I was crushed and for a moment couldn't breathe. I felt a sense of ownership of my spot and when yet another jackass rushed up, I screamed, if you stand in front of me, I'm going to stab you. He laughed and stepped in front of me and I shoved him as hard as I could until he kept going. There were way too many dudes, drunk, high, and all pumped up on new years and the beloved black keys. Aack! I am usually crabby at shows because I don't want to be touched and I am irritated by the other concert-goers. But this was worse. Some nasty couple, the girl with a cocked baseball cap, both on something way harder than I ever tried, pushed up right next to us and I told her directly that this was not a good place for her. (Because they were so irritating that I would punch them.) They actually listened. At some point though, the crowd was pushing so much, and I couldn't stop Enormous from touching me and his body heat was making me panic, and I kept elbowing him in the kidney, but he couldn't feel it because he was so fat and it was like my elbow got stuck in his folds, so one more lean on me from him and I shoved him as hard as I could and yelled, stop pushing me, and he said, I'm not pushing you, and I screamed, you've been pushing me for the last two hours you fucking fat ass, and kept shoving him , then just stood there, next to him, and stuck my spot. I think he looked at me slack jawed for a moment, but I was done with him. After a song, I moved over a few people, and hung onto Chris. I felt guilty that I called Enormous a fat ass. They had only been playing for fifteen minutes by now, I couldn't see the band, and I was just trying not to get elbowed in the face. It wasn't fun, and it wasn't worth getting a babysitter and $120 and all the waiting and the terrible opening act. I held on for the balloon drop/confetti canons, 18 more minutes. I started to get in to the music a little, but then at 11:58, they stopped. I was hoping they would be ripping into an intense part of a song while confetti shot out and the balloons fell, and emotions would be high and the music would be carrying us, but instead, they stopped, all momentum lost. We waited for 12. He said, any body got any stories or something? Then they counted down for us. Lame! Right, we get it, 10 seconds to midnight - but you are not professional counters, you are amazing musicians - just play us into the new year - don't dumb it down for us! All was lost. It was all so stupid. Chris kissed me. I just kept squinting, all tense and afraid to get breaking balloon bits in my eyes. I exited the crowd and got a water and talked with one of our friends. I was glad to see her out there. We went downstairs to get their coats before the rush. The bathrooms had standing toilet water and three people fell at the bottom of the stairs while we waited. I knew the Riv was a shithole, but it never seemed like such a ripoff before.

I didn't take this video, I was closer and having less fun.

Am I getting too old? Am I just too sober? Just a huge crab ass? I'm sorry if I took away from Chris' experience, but if he wants to go to a New Year's show next year, I will be happy to stay home and kiss my kids. I love to see live music, but I can't stop myself from being a cynical rock-crowd anthropologist. I inevitably become so distracted by the people around me that I just don't like it. Its not fun anymore. Moral of the story - stick to the balcony seats when you're sober and not in college anymore (and a huge crab ass.)

I still love the Black Keys.

2009-12-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

We went snow tubing today. It was fun - I liked being one of those active families. Carrying Gracie up the hill was grueling. I haven't owned a pair of snowboots since I was a minor. I think it's time to indulge. It's not like my feet will grow. Eleanor gets a new pair every year. This evening we're going to see the Princess and the Frog with our cousins and then have them over for tacos.

Yesterday I spent hours researching cultural activities, to enrich the girls' lives, while ignoring the girls for the afternoon. I would like to get them to the theatre, ballet, symphony, and opera once a year. We sang-talked, like the opera, in the car on the way home from Chris and Bob's, where I had my first guitar lesson and where a visit from a few cousins turned into a spontaneous family party of a couple dozen. I like how that happens.

2009-12-28T20:51:00.000-08:00

I have liked creme colored guazy baby-doll dresses since Courtney Love wore one on the cover of Vanity Fair in I think 1995. I'm vaguely aware that she's a certified, child-beating lunatic, and that to admit her as a style inspiration would be embarrassing. I cut that picture of her out, I think she was pregnant and heroin-chic, and used it in a collage book that I made for the teenage boy I loved, who gave me no response to my heartfelt project. I very vividly recall crying on Gram and Pa's couch for days waiting for him to call back. He still occasionally makes an appearance in my dreams, but it's more like a nightmare. I made peace with all the other young men in my life and they don't haunt my dreams anymore. Just this one. So I found him on facebook, 13 years later, hoping to chat, see what he's like now so I can replace the idealized memory of him with the actuality of a thirty something stranger, but he blew me off again. Maybe he's just a dick. He was so sweet in high school. Skinny and nerdy and so empathetic. I went on to compare every boy and man to him. My husband wins the prize by a margin the length of a football field. (the Bears are on in the other room.)
So I still like these dresses, with jeans, or heavy tights and boots. I wonder sometimes if I'm stuck in grunge like I saw 30 something ladies stuck in hair metal in the 90s. It doesn't really matter because my lifestyle/budget dictates one pair of jeans I wear all week (kind of grunge) and T-shirts, usually my husband's, usually a band. And a hoodie. More muumuu than flattering. I occasionally fantasize about ethereal palettes of grey creme and turquoise, lots of silver bangles on much skinnier arms.
I found this blog tonight of a man who photographs fashionable/beautiful/interesting women around the world, just women on the street. Of course, I first wonder how he funds this jetting around photo-ing ladies, but also slipping into the old media-driven habit of desiring to look like them. Aren't I too old for this poor sense of self?
I decided my brain was atrophying and I needed to work it out, so I bought Swann's Way by Proust and began reading it to the girls to put them to sleep. It quickly becomes sexual, so I started dropping phrases, then sentences, jumped a paragraph, then just declared - good night.

We had a much better day today. I decided before I fell asleep last night that the first thing I would do when I woke up would be to put on tea and start a load of laundry. This helped with the paralyzing "what do I do first" problem. We did laundry and math. Charlotte was so proud of herself. She ran around in circles when she finished. Eleanor was punished for laying down on the job and whining in refusal.

My mom came over for an art lesson. I put her in the bathroom for an hour to do a preliminary self-portrait. I finally made the kitchen curtains, only because the paper blinds were ripped off and I felt exposed.

2009-12-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

2009-12-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

Do you know why I don't have business cards? I don't know what to put on them. What is it I'm trying to do now? You want to be a rock star now? Some kind of artist?

I don't know that I can homeschool well. I don't know that I can be everything to them. I do much better in a competitive environment where I can specialize and receive praise. I love the idea of homeschooling. I wholly agree with the philosophy. I have lots of great ideas for our day to day. I just don't follow through.

I feel like my days are in slow motion - walking through jello. I can't wake up in the morning. I don't know what to do first so I choose: stay in bed. I think I'm depressed. Nothing is actually wrong. I feel paralyzed to leave the house.

self identity crisis.

Is it the winter weather? Is it adjusting to home-ownership? I can't just take off anymore. I feel helpless that my family and I eat terribly and watch too much TV/computer and are amassing so much stuff. I can't control them and I fall in line with my environment over time.

weakness of character.

We had a very nice Christmas.

2009-12-14T19:59:00.000-08:00

Today was the sort of day where everything feels like a failure. Maybe because its Monday. Maybe because Chris is sick and home improvements are taking up time. I made it to the post office, I rescheduled my traffic school, all the kids got dressed, I made soup from scratch, and I folded laundry. Later, the girls played very cleverly as fashion designers and I let them do whatever they wanted with certain fabric. I made some little doll clothes for them this weekend and they're still into it. This was all good, but I feel like I'm not doing enough. Eleanor could be taking in more than I'm giving her. I think. Its really hard to schedule extracurriculars for them or get into a flow of learning or painting or whatever when we have to stop and get ready to go to work/sitter. I don't know if I can succeed at homeschooling and working . I've gone over it again and again but the other options are worse. Its just hard.

I was reading through my recipe box tonight. My mom gave it to me eight years ago, when we weren't getting along. It's just the size for 3x5 recipe cards and covered in Beatrix Potter type characters. It has recipe cards with the same little squirrels and bunnies in aprons. She bought it at a gift shop and the tag said 13 dollars, which gave me a sick sort of guilt that she spent so much on something so trivial - but. I sift through it now, filled with recipes, and they remind me of the people who gave them to me, of the time when I only had one baby and everything was so bittersweet. It contains my grandmother's handwriting and I run my finger along her letters and remember her. I appreciate my mom now. We talk on the phone and I enjoy her company. So much has changed in the time I've been a mother. I think about how I'll look back on these days. I can't imagine I'll regret the time I spent with them homeschooling. I look at all the recipe cards I printed out that say allrecipes 2001. I tried so hard to cook healthy and interesting meals. It was so lonely then. I'm never lonely now. No matter how much I think that I need to stop this treadmill and catch my breath, it can't. And its OK. I would tell the new mom me to relax. I feel the 40 year old me rolling my eyes at me now. 'Relax. Be happy. You have three amazing little kids who still think you're cool.' That treadmill just makes me feel like I'm hyperventilating on the emotional roller coaster that I'm prone to. Up and down. That's where Chris comes in. I've had friends in the past who did not understand our relationship. Probably people I got big ideas with, friends I dream with. Chris is the ground. constant. real. He is the guy standing on the grass holding the string and I am the wildly colored kite that flies around in circles and smashes into the ground. I love him so much.

2009-12-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

It is 1 degree Fahrenheit. The annual questioning - why do we live here - skipped across my mind. But I know. Family.

I am getting restless. I can't stand the home decor obsession anymore. My world is shrinking, narrowing. I always thought I'd live differently. More globally. More outside. In a surfing, hiking, climbing sort of way. The travel-as-a-means-of-expanding-perspective bug has bitten again.

2009-12-07T20:43:00.000-08:00

This is just the sort of sofa I want. I saw a similar set on Craig's list. God help me I'm obsessed.
(both apartment therapy)

I've become interested in this spring green yellow. there's a grey and yellow pillow at Target that I'm really perseverating on right now that's got me thinking this yellow in the hall and a light warm grey on the common area walls would be nice.

Also thinking, to make them really my own, I could get pale turquoise drapes and make a painting on them. My kitchen fabric is still draped over the living room rod. I like it so much I sort of want it in there but it's too busy.

2009-12-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

Gracie has her first double earache. I called in to work, which I never do, and got her into the doctor, which I also never do. I love staying home with them. I made Charlotte eat green beans. She gagged. It took her twenty minutes to eat one bite. She cried. Eleanor and I each ate about two cups of these delicious frozen french green beans with butter and sea salt. I also made meat loaf. For lunch we had pork tenderloin fajitas - without the tortillas. I'm feeling low-carb today. But tonight I made chocolate pudding from scratch. The big girls played in the snow for hours today. It was the first snowy ground of the season. They made elaborate fort play with garden frames and tires and rickety fence pieces. Mondays are for grocery shopping. And cooking. We knocked out at least a half hour each girl of math u see and even read about Egypt in the Story of the World. All of these good things were nestled in between doubts about homeschooling at all today. I thought about how hard this is and that maybe I'm not doing enough or am not consistent enough. This is so hard sometimes. We now live where they could walk to the elementary and the junior high and the high school. Why do I always have to do things the hard way. I looked up the school district online. Charlotte saw what I was doing and started crying. I told her I was just curious and I wasn't going to send her to school. Our school district is at the bottom of the barrel - not too tempting even in times of weakness.

The girls put up the tree. the bathroom is still gutted. We took our annual silly family photo for Christmas. I still have Anthropolgie - itis - a disease that has me obsessed with getting my house to look like an Anthropologie catalogue. I never had this problem before. Rentals never felt like a reflection of me. They were just a place to stay.

2009-12-02T21:38:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Chrissy. We had three cakes for you and lots of cousins over. I love you. I miss you.

2009-12-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

*yesterday - planetarium field trip.

*today - showers at Grandma's, attended much loved unschool group -even if only for a little while

*tomorrow - toddler story hour and new library books. According to new schedule by Grandma, aka - "mom, I need help squeezing everything into the too small suitcase that is the 7-day week," we may even do some yoga

*currently reading - The Fairy Caravan by Beatrix Potter, took a break tonight to read Flat Stanley

*Charlotte has decided to start learning cursive today

*in reality, we do Math-U-See once a week

*I got bored with the Story of the World - haven't read or done activities since old house

*Thursday - looking to spend afternoon in woods - considering starting a nature club

*Friday- world religions playdate with our close friends - must learn about Islam and find Eid-appropriate recipe (will choose ethnicity based on own taste preferences.) Will also eat challah, and whatever it is that Catholics eat. My favorite Catholic eats lots of chocolate chip cookies. Maybe cookies.

Bumblebee Elementary totally DOES shit.

YES!YES!YES!

2009-11-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

Forest Kindergartens

2009-11-30T19:24:00.000-08:00

I felt very motivated today to make changes but when I get home from work and put the kids to bed, I don't WANT to exercise. I'm TIRED. and HUNGRY. Eat after 8, put on the weight? I want to eat rocky road ice-cream and Tyson chicken strips. Instead I am eating slightly stale honey nut cheerios.

This weekend, we unwittingly began to unravel the sweater that is our bathroom. I coerced Chris, slightly against his will, to bring home the tub surround we'd picked out. I didn't mean he had to start right away, but he did. After an excruciating day and a half of trial and error, it was concluded that the surround would never fit over the current yellow tub. (Honestly, I'd always hoped to get rid of it anyway.) But in the process, we learned that our pipes were all corroded, the drywall was mush, and the house isn't insulated. That explained a lot. (this house is SO cold.) So tomorrow, the ugly tub gets sledgehammered out. I also learned that obsessively peeling off cheap tile and smashing soft drywall is way more fun than trying to fit a round tub surround into a square hole.

The cheerios are gone.

2009-11-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

Bumblebee feels in a state of chaos. Our routine has not been recovered since the move. The TV keeps coming on. I feel too much in a flat spin to fully take charge. This vague sense of panic is probably my disjointed way of worrying that the budget is supposed to come out tomorrow and we may lose our jobs.

I need a cleaning schedule.

An expense paid working week in Japan for June was presented to me today. I'm afraid to embrace it because I don't want to be disappointed. But... I think I'll dig out my nihongo books. I wrote an artist bio for the project. It's hard to write about yourself as an artist when you've been too busy to make anything lately. Perhaps part of this panic is that disconnect I feel from not making art.

I need a studio schedule.

My sister is becoming an international business woman and I know what I'm doing as a homeschooling mother is important, but it's hard not to question it a little when I see what could be. I start to panic when I worry I'm not living up to my potential.

2009-11-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

The latest thing I'm looking into is Waldorf style homeschooling.

2009-11-19T20:07:00.000-08:00

There is nothing I dread more than dishes

I'd rather go swim with the fishes

Sneak ice-cream instead

Then crawl into bed

Right! Me wash the m0-fucking dishes.

There once was a woman so lazy

Company tomorrow don't faze me

I sit here online

Poring over design

Driving my poor husband crazy

There once was a man with a daughter

Who ate rocky road like her father

Can I get you a bowl?

So you won't eat the whole...

Just eat from the carton, why bother?

2009-11-19T19:01:00.000-08:00

velvet on grey silk

these are for the living room

(anthropologie)

long turquoise wall

from front room to dining nook

a robin's egg blue

perhaps a sofa

I'll remember Aunt Therese

long and yellow silk

2009-11-18T12:28:00.000-08:00

escape escape escape

2009-11-17T20:57:00.001-08:00

Oh god I'm so jealous of this woman. She's so talented and has twice as many kids as me. Look at her blog. I love her work.

2009-11-17T20:37:00.001-08:00

I like these.

halloween homeschool skate party

2009-11-17T19:01:00.000-08:00

2009-11-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

I want this fabric for my kitchen curtains.

2009-11-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

So we moved to the new house two weeks ago. It's really great. I still love the wood floors. The new paint was little more than a selling tactic as it's flat and already covered in grubby handprints. Last week things were normal enough that we showed up to both unschool gathering days. It was really great to see all the friendly faces we hadn't seen in a while. I had an interview for a local culture magazine as the featured artist today; I mostly enjoyed the company of the writer - I told her I'd found my tribe in unschooling. I sound like a missionary. Speaking of missionaries, I had the opportunity to attend the last day of the Weston Price conference yesterday. There was some review on diet on a budget, some great info on running a buying club, and a lot on the legal disputes over raw milk. One of the speakers made a crass joke at the expense of Mexicans and he caught my eyes while I was melting him with them. I thought this was supposed to be an educated and ethical group. Also can do without the bowing down to Sally at the closing. Overall though it was an inspiring experience and I was really grateful to be there. I bought a couple bottles of THE ONLY SUPPLEMENT YOU NEED at a great discount. Do yourself a favor and get the cinnamon tingle.

I made cookies for the girls' Liberty Belles meeting tomorrow and they are so good I can't keep my paws off them.

Ok. there are now only enough for each girl to get one instead of two.

2009-11-12T06:16:00.000-08:00

is there a post partum depression for house buying? I love the house.

2009-11-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday morning Chris and I and the girls went for a walk in the woods and to the park and for pastries. It was so nice out. We collected leaves. It was magical to be out there alone in the autumn woods on the river. We were all happy and Chris was part of it. I swung with the girls - they giggled and om'ed and held out little yoga meditation hands. I closed my eyes and the sun shone through my lids and I let go of my thoughts and felt an uncommon peace.

This Sunday morning we are moving to our new house. Our first house. We're mostly packed and a lot is already there, but the hot mess just keeps flowing from nooks and crannies. We've been here for four years.

We had a nice Halloween yesterday. We went trick or treating in the old neighborhood with Ray and Nicole and Dad and Violet. I said goodbye to Phyllis and Pam. Then we met Dan and Tania and Dad and Violet came with to trick or treat in our new neighborhood. There are a lot of cute elderly ladies there and a nice couple next door. Aunt Chris and Aunt Lisa and Brittany dropped by and they all gushed about our new house. I was happy. I'm glad they liked it.

We went to a memorial for Grampa's first birthday since he died. It was nice to spend the time with family. Can never pile too much onto one day. Still emotionally exhausted from the closing the day before. The seller was so scary. The girls went trick or treating with mil at the old ladies' club while we closed. Then right after, my mom and I trucked them to the woods, in the rain, to trick or treat with the unschoolers, where I dropped my camera and broke the lens.

2009-10-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

Permaculture Principles.

Spray-painting half a black wig white for cruella deville costume. finished cape yesterday. mom came last night to help pack. nice visit. I'm in a bit of a sugar coma? I feel uneasy...yucky...maybe also nervous-ish about house moving stuff. Nothing is wrong. Kit kats are a bad breakfast choice. I have that paralyzed sort of panic creeping up. Up all night because I had two cups of coffee at class last night.

Excited to see how much fun a Flaming Lips concert on DVD was - Wayne Coyne on the crowd in a bubble, confetti, streamers, balloons, dancers in costume. Disappointed to see they use the same tricks at every show, too many druggies in the crowd. I can save my money.

I packed homeschool books and crafts and toys already. I don't have the energy to pull the kids away from the TV to take a walk in the woods. Fail.

Took the kids to the dentist today. Disappointed that our friendly, low tech dentist is going fancy. I'll have to find a new dentist. Do you know how hard it is to find a dentist who doesn't push cosmetic extras? They hired a consultant who told them to take down the polaroids of the kids who didn't get a cavity at their last visit - fun to look at and friendly - and replace it with a tired poster of La Grande Jatte. It really bummed me out.

fester

2009-10-26T19:55:00.000-07:00

Today the mortgage broker called to let me know how much we needed for the closing on Friday and to ask what we like on our pizza, as he will send four pizzas and soda to our moving party at the new house. I thought that was so nice. I found my passport last night, which was really exciting because I thought I was up some kind of creek without an ID for the closing.

Charlotte turned 7 last week. We had two families over and kept it real tame like. She got such nice gifts from these good friends. One made her a skirt and a matching skirt for her doll and matching purse. The others looked for two days for a tiny toad, after I told them she'd just lost hers and cried for hours. The thought and time that went into these gifts made them so special. I bought Charlotte a 3 musketeers Barbie, as requested. I was so pleased that she loves toads and Barbies.

For the record, I no longer give the girls allowance or continue with any schedule I may ever have mentioned. Also, Gracie weaned about 3 weeks ago and she replaced some of that time with snuggling, which she previously wasn't into.

I am enjoying the Tao of Pooh; tonight we read about Wu Wei, or non-action. This is like unschooling. It looks like you are doing nothing, but the things are getting done and there isn't the stress of forcing it.

My latest idea, which comes from my friend/boss, is to start a local charter school. I am trying to imagine an unschooling-friendly non-curriculum that would be be appealing enough to warrant tax dollars. It may be worth pursuing because the biggest motivation I have is to serve the kind of high school kids I know now through my classes (which won't continue forever because of budget problems.) I can go on my merry way doing what I want for my own kids, but I think I could really help a lot of other kids and the community as a whole, too - and if my motives stay selfless, it still has the potential to be a good idea.

I envision as small a student body as possible. Like 20 would be perfect. Maybe we'd cover academics in the morning, have lunch together - mostly grown and prepared by the students, and send them each out for the afternoon to different apprenticeships or college classes appropriate to their goals. Every student would have an IEP, a plan, co-authored by them. Students can use the facilities of the community, get out into the real world and learn to live and work alongside a wide range of ages, while becoming useful and valued residents. ... I think the day should start with yoga and that art-making as therapy should be heavily involved, but I'm afraid that's just me and a little too granola. ... That's what I would want. And every student volunteers at a place like the soup kitchen and every student attends an annual camping trip ... of the ropes course variety ... for bonding. I guess I couldn't force those, it would be against the philosophy, but I'd offer it. I just want to take the mob mentality out of high school. These kids need individualized educations and personal attention. An educational system can't serve everyone's needs if it doesn't allow for different paces of learning.

Can I make a high school where we teach sustainability, survival skills, permaculture, Eastern philosophies and exercise, how to make stuff, including art, as well as math and reading and science and history and analyzing and writing? Or is that just all the stuff I like? OR, could that become an environment that a small group of students at a time could make their own, get comfortable enough to actually learn, and come out well-adjusted self-starters, equipped mentally, emotionally, and physically to live happily and successfully? The kind of students who would choose this school - it wouldn't be forced on anyone. (the kind of student who walks the halls of the enormous public HS wishing she were dead so she didn't have to be there ... yes, like me.)

How would we deal with discipline? Would we kick them out if they used drugs? I don't want to run a stoner club. What would it cost? Would there be good relationships between staff? Would it be too hard to get such an alternative school chartered. Probably. Would the tax money be worth the bureaucratic pain in the ass? Probably. Is it selfish to only worry about my own kids and forget it? Can we budget in international backpacking? Cause that's really what I want to do. ....Questionable, though, how fun would that be with 20 teenagers.

Why do I always have to have an idea festering in my head? An idea in the idea stage. Not like an idea in the almost done and now you can enjoy it stage, like, we bought a house and move in this weekend. I did think about that quite a bit today, too - but where's the challenge in that? No more puzzles to work out there.

2009-10-22T08:45:00.001-07:00

Thorn Apple Valley is the WORST bacon I have ever used. It is nearly all fat. And so thin it sticks to the pan. If you buy it for your brunch party, it will make you even crabbier .

2009-10-20T20:32:00.000-07:00

saw Wilco Sunday night at UIC. They played shot in the arm second and we were right up front and it took my breath away and I smiled uncontrollably and cried a little. That's my measure of a good show. I had a good time with Chris. We had dinner with BJ and Andi before at their house - that was really nice and my new favorite Thai dish is Panang noodles.

Yesterday all I ate was candy cookies and coffee and I felt AWFUL, so today I remembered No Sugar. Gracie and I went grocery shopping while the girls were at Liberty Belles. We snacked on apples and cheesesticks.

We went to the park with Mom and Violet yesterday. The last two days have been so beautiful out. Violet and Gracie play with each other now and Gracie even bosses around Violet now - it used to be the other way around. I think the power will continue to shift. They kept going down the slide together, climb back up the jungle gym, fun to the top of the slide, sit down and yell arms up, then slide down together and laugh and laugh. Violet sat on Gracie's side of the slide once and Gracie yelled at her to get out of her spot. It's fun to see them change from playing alone, next to each other, to playing together.

I'm feeling better about Margaret being in Nigeria. I can talk to her pretty easily now. She has an internet card now, but she couldn't get back to me this morning because the power went out, which happens regularly. Seems so backward to have wireless internet but unreliable basic electricity. When she first leaves, I prepare myself mentally for her to die. I guess I get over that fear after about a week.

I'm reading the girls the Tao of Pooh. I realize it's not a kids' book. It's my viewpoint and I'm sharing it. My job as a parent is to nurture, expose, and assist. We are also reading some My America books. We read all of Sophia's Immigrant Diary yesterday. I wish we had read that before we visited Boston this summer. If we go back, it will be all about graveyards!

Eleanor and I got our haircut together Saturday morning then met Grandma for tea and chandelier browsing. On Friday, she did five loads of laundry, and all the dishes. She cleaned the bathroom and did more laundry and dishes over the weekend. She is exerting her independence and I LOVE it. She actually asks permission to do these things. Like I'd say no to anyone who wanted to do these two most hated chores? I am so proud of her. She's acting so grown up.

We worked on the farm Sunday. The girls had a blast. I can still picture Charlotte jump-roping between rows of strawberries. The time went so fast. I have to work up to weeding all day. I kept picturing the little old Japanese ladies on our block who were completely and permanently folded over. I couldn't stand up at first after a few hours. I really want to do this. I ripped my own garden out today. The girls played in the sandbox - all three in the little turtle, and then the big girls played on their swing and they made a roly-poly farm. (Just this morning Charlotte cried over an hour at discovering her toad of two days had escaped - Eleanor had released her fresh-from-the-farm frog the day before at the river. also tears. so now, roly-polys.) Gracie is so cute, how she plays so long, alone. She speaks for dolls, now. Like, the dolls have out-loud conversations. That's fun. She can say the Pledge of Allegiance now, but won't recite on request, so I don't think anyone believes me.

Chris and Bob stopped by tonight to drop off 25# of organic carrots they got on sale. We had pizza and Bob had the girls laughing and laughing. Some of us pee when we laugh. They love him. Them. They are really good to the girls. They've already bought and showed me the girls' Christmas presents.

It's dawning on me that I'm not a college kid playing house anymore. This is our life and it's really great. I keep thinking, when we have enough money, then we'll be a valid family. I used to think when we bought a house we'd be valid, but that would never happen, but it seems to be working out. My anxieties are breaking away and I can see that our world is a beautiful place. I love my kids and I love my husband.

I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do with 25# of carrots that won't last much longer.