negative

We saw the how to train your dragon movie today for Nate's birthday. It was awesome. We wedged it right in there between a bike ride to Alex' baseball game and picking Eleanor up from camp. So far I do not like this camp or anything affiliated with this theatre group. Never again. As a hater and non-participator, squatting off to the side of this type of group setting of parents more of the soccer set is like tickling a raw nerve. Clearly the problem is me, but I don't think my children need these sort of expensive, "organized" activities to turn out alright. I'm only taking her there because I couldn't get a full refund from the first class I signed her up for (and ran from screaming - no I won't sign your contract to volunteer 20 hours and pay that much money and tolerate this level of chaos after seeing how terrible the last play was at this location [if I only saw our local group first, and not the more distant, far superior sect - I never would have signed her up]) ... and she wanted to go.

Last night Chris and I had a rare date. I started out very crabby because I have developed a worse than usual body image problem. Halfway through dinner we were having a good time and then we went to see Greenburg. Save your money and just watch the trailer online. That's all the good parts. The character development was good, I could understand the urge to make such a movie, but I had my own urge to just turn it off at some point.

Two words. Carol's Cookies.

I am still working on mailing out my Christmas packages to Japan.

I'm in a desperate, anxious race to get organized but I'm running through mud.

Dropping off neat little parcels of negativity makes me feel lighter.

For lunch today we had miso soup, seaweed salad, rice with furikake, and longings for Japan. I want to go back so bad.

I instituted a new schedule this morning - only schoolwork and chores before lunch. I feel very productive and am enjoying a break before dishes. The girls are playing Mario Brothers right now which doesn't feel too bad since they did French and Math and History and Writing already. Charlotte picked up and Eleanor did laundry and changed the hamster cage. Gracie made things very hard especially during history, grabbing my face and pushing it into hers, squealing and climbing on my lap and springing back when removed, while the other two asked for different spellings at the same time. For a moment I thought I would cry for auditory overload, but we plowed through and studied ancient China.

Dell-icious

We went to the Dells this weekend. I felt like we were rich people, being able to go up there for the night and eat out and stay at the water park. Thank you, tax return. The trip was clearly for the kids. It was so crowded Sunday - overwhelming. Long lines of crabby white people and big hairy potbellies bouncing around like those colorful punching bags you run through as a kid. As much as everyone else walks around the hotel in swarms like they're leaving the fireworks all at once and in nothing but their bathing suits, I found it totally humiliating to traverse the halls in a T-shirt and my cellulite. I don't want to go back, but if we do, I'll spring for the cover-up dress. There was a gay Manhattanite in my head screaming incredulously at the dearth of style amongst the ten thousand or so people there... beating me up in my mind. I am every bit as Midwestern as everyone there, except I'm one of the ones who knows better - you think I'm in a coma but I hear you. I was so stressed out by the crowd and my own body image issues and Eleanor's sass, that by the next morning, I broke down crying in the Indian Trading Post over some cheap Native American dolls that reminded me of one I got when I was little. I left without it, then went back in to get it, then came back to the car and saw how cheap it was and wanted to get rid of it. I asked Chris to return it for me. "No way." me: "I can't have this thing in the house reminding me of how crazy I'm acting this morning." him: "Send it to your sister with a note that says remember going to the dells when we were kids." me: "Good idea." We went to McDonalds where I watched footage of the earthquake damage in Chile and thought our money would have been much better spent sent to Chile or Haiti for aid. I finally relaxed briefly in the wave pool later that afternoon. My idea of a relaxing vacation involves exploring nature with very few people around or exploring culture with very few Americans around. The water park capital of the nation is the opposite of that. If we ever save up enough for Disney World, I'll probably hate that too. But you know what the kids' idea of a great vacation is? Indoor water parks and Disney World.

I got to pick out 30 varieties of tomatoes for the farm this week. I picked seven different color cherry varieties. I picture them together in baskets like big juicy marbles - striped varieties too.

We had a productive day today. The girls did French and math and read independently - one Little Women, and one Anne of Green Gables. They're reading the condensed children's versions. I didn't ask them too. I just bought several in the dollar aisle at Target last year and they just now bothered with them. Eleanor sat in a sunny corner of her room yesterday for hours reading Little Women. Today they squeezed this in between watching Shirley Temple shorts first thing in the morning and then spending all afternoon at Tania's. I've been freaking out about homeschooling lately. I swing between thinking I should offer them some kind of University of Chicago lab school experience and some kind of Waldorf-y unschool experience. I'm either totally confident or a totally depressed failure. Artists classically put the whole pressure of their worth into whether their work is good. Not only do I think I suck because I haven't made work in a year, but I lock in my self worth to how well I perceive myself to be educating the girls. I don't need a supervisor at work or as a home-educator (I don't have either) because I beat myself up harder than any boss would. I'm aware that this is wrong but I don't know how to tease it apart. I'm feeling a little better today. I exercised.