seed buying: check

After nearly having an anxiety attack last night over seed choices, I have just now purchased a selection that I'm excited about.  have also settled on the square foot gardening method.

rainbow chard, striped beets, and purple: cauliflower carrots peppers and beans.  purple is fun.  I plan to trade a few seeds with people who got vegetables in colors other than purple.  also will be receiving yellow sweet peas, black pineapple tomatoes, lacinato kale, japanese climbing cucumbers, tobago peppers which are mild hot and very colorful, and green onions.  ...  I forgot the melons.  Will trade for herbs and hopefully a melon.  I saved pumpkin seeds from last year, beautiful smooth carving and also pie.  goal is to save seeds and only buy new experiments from now on.

Lastly, indulged in nightstock to light the porch in perfume, historic pansies, a poppy mix, and Rostov sunflowers. 

In unrelated news, the girls illustrated Obama's address to Congress the other night.  

Please notice Nancy Pelosi's lips.  

Self-loathing is high this week, but may be result of unexpressed sadness.  Not really a crier.  More of a stress level exceeder/inappropriate laugher.

a party called "the wake"

the mystique of the apartment on Higgins

panamanian artifacts and a piranha

you could walk on the roof,

play on the long staircase,

play with wax in the shop.

Eat entire candy bars.

traveling salesman

trunk full of garage sale treasures and soda

seeking only time with each of us

he delighted in each of us

made us each feel important

we're all his favorite.

you touched so many lives, yours will go on:

when we let the kids order whatever they want, as long as they eat it

when we relentlessly pursue a bargain,

when we're drawn to the road for an adventure

when we  embarrass our own families in public -engaging strangers in friendly chat.

wanna fight?

not a hug initiator

I don't know what to do first. It's 10:16. Shower, paint, wash dishes, clean house, do laundry, get sleep, return friend's email. 10:17.

Tonight my new friend at work gave me a painting he'd told me about - a power shovel scene by a fourth grader from Japan that had been a gift to him. I was very moved. I considered hugging him, but I'm not usually a hug initiator. I will hang it prominently in my home.

I must confess that I have never done the afore-mentioned block system. Not a single day. But look, they do read and sometimes write.

And play outside.

On my friend Mary's suggestion, the girls have regained their enthusiasm for workbooks by earning a prize every several pages of completion.

Last week I made stock, some of which became stew, some of which became chili, some of which became a taco when I added hot giardiniera, onion, and cheese and put it on a tortilla. It's gone now; I can't turn it into anything else.

10:38.

Stevie Nicks does the robot

The girls and I went to a play today about Brown vs the Board of Education. It was well done, 6 actors who played more than one role, minimal sets, props, just an hour long - but I cried. They were great. We went to a play last week of Alice in Wonderland and I thought it was terrible. The sets were fun, but the acting was awful and I kept looking for the time. I would have left if it weren't for the kids. Chris pointed out that we wouldn't have gone if it weren't for the kids.

I went out with Sarah this weekend. We went to Cozy Noodle, which is cute and has antique toys all over the walls and pez dispensers covering the bathroom. We saw Lykke Li at the metro and she was like Stevie Nicks doing the robot. She was a dull gimmick. Short show. We went for Turkish coffee afterward, first time, and the waiter read our coffee ground fortunes. Very charming, didn't charge us for the coffee and sweets. It was all a welcome respite from a difficult week of parenting.

one door sedan

why my life is awesome:

I am eating chocolate cake right now.
Ray is buying chickens and that is fun.
We are free. (we're studying slavery right now.)
I love my husband.
I think he's hot and has great hair.
We can afford fresh produce.
My whole family is healthy.
My daughters are amazing and beautiful,
We rent a whole house with a yard and have nice neighbors.
Our cars are both running.
When Eleanor jammed the seat belt into the other back door of the car yesterday so that now all 3 kids have to climb out through the front, I was able to find it hysterical and felt a gush of love for my accident-prone darling.
I have some really great girlfriends.
I love my job.
I don't have to sit in traffic to get to work.
I can draw and make stuff fairly easily.
I see beauty in the mundane.
We live close to lots of family.
I am pretty smart.
I can still get away with working only part time and spending the rest of the week with my daughters.
I am not ugly.
I feel emotions extra intensely, including joy.
I get excited by color.
Gracie is at exactly the same stage of speech as Boo from Monsters Inc. and that's fun.

"oh shit oh shit"

marrow bone stock is boiling. reading Runaway to Freedom (Barbara Smucker) at bedtime. kids are sleeping. went to the gym today. Girl Talk is the greatest motivational workout DJ ever. I smiled and waved at the kids in the gym from the elliptical machine - and went longer than usual, knowing that when I stopped, I'd have to be mom again. I continued to play Girl Talk at home in the kitchen. ipod: "oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit" Gracie walking back and forth in kitchen: "oh shit oh shit" clear as a bell in a tiny, high-pitched voice. no more Girl Talk in the kitchen. I love working out. It is my only opportunity all day/week to not have to talk to anyone and to listen to music loud. and exercise endorphins are magic. I feel much better today.

I think my homeschooling problem has to do with an overreaction to a friend who is having problems with her unschooled teenage son who won't do anything but hang out with his friends. Thinking I can't accept that in my own girls' future, I may have over-focused on workbooks and schoolish activities. It's just so jump-off-a-cliff scary to trust them to lead their own educations. On paper, I believe. Day to day, I'm nervous. I am also eliciting more bad reactions with my resurgence of healthy meals. Guess who likes red, yellow, and orange peppers and spinach and garlicky kefir cheese on whole wheat tortillas? Me and Gracie. Charlotte started crying immediately upon being served.

My advice to mothers of infants: cultivate their palates now. don't let family members destroy your chances by feeding your baby cookies for their own amusement. It is very hard to wean your child off Reese's Puffs.

BUCA DI BEPPO'S TOOK CANNOLIS OFF THEIR MENU. FUCK YOU BUCA DI BEPPO'S FOR STEALING MY JOY.

they were the best.

this is worse than when Wendy's stopped selling Greek pitas....twelve years ago.

the 21st mile

(video of Eleanor)


Today I saw a curious gray duck in the snow, but it was just snow. Later, I saw snow that looked like a bird, but it was the wing of a pigeon sticking up from the street.

This morning I served soaked porridge (from Nourishing Traditions) that no one else ate but me. We missed the yoga class I'd planned on and tried to do math workbooks instead. I took a shower while they worked. I should have done this last night or gotten up earlier because that's when they started to fight. Eleanor told Charlotte she was going to kill herself, because apparently "you hate me" doesn't carry enough oomph for her anymore. I addressed this as best I could and we eventually got out the door to run errands. We filled 3 kitchen garbage bags with assorted flotsam and jetsam from the car before we left the driveway. We signed Eleanor up for soccer league at the park district. Next we went to the library - stressful but uneventful. Our last stop was the grocery store where I told Eleanor she was like an electric sander on my skull - badgering me unceasingly about wanting some rotten pineapples for her fruit kebabs. (We had 6 kinds of fresh fruit in the cart already.) She is like a freight train with the bulldozer attachment on the front for snow removal. She will not shut up. No consequence matters to her more than the pleasure of satisfying her impulse to carry on. I was exhausted when we got home at 2 and had tuna for lunch. We had to have tuna because yesterday I opened all 5 cans so I could put wax medium (for my paintings) in them. Without enough time to properly clean up, I piled them back in the car and took them to their grandma's, trying to resist thoughts of boarding school on the way. Feeling like a zombie, I remembered it was free coffee at McDonald's on Mondays and waited for my sample. It was sunny, and the wind hinted of spring. I was alone and it reminded me of how great it feels to be alone, traveling. I listened to Nada Surf and sang and cried until my boss called. Work was fine.

Today's difficulty with Eleanor was particularly upsetting after Thursday's insistence that homeschooling was a clear success for us (in the face of being told that it wasn't, when asking if I should take that sub job.)  I guess this is just what the hard part looks like.  I don't know if I can handle Eleanor's behavior and I don't feel confident today that I can spend enough time schooling them in between my job and errands and housework.  Today feels like the 21st mile. 

This weekend I painted on 3 of my 10 boards and I think I know where I'm going.  Tonight I don't even care, I'm going to bed before 10.