Last night I paid an evening babysitter, then I stayed up till 3 watching Adventures in Babysitting.

Read this. The article talks about toxic chemicals (from cleaning supplies, food packaging, personal care products, etc.) passing through the umbilical cord.

see what happens if we don't keep up with it?I went with my cousin tonight to another cousin's "we got married far away" party. It was nice. We started planning a weekend in Florida that I hope works out. One aunt was a french braid bandit . I came home with quite a do. I left with feel good feelings and looking forward to seeing everyone again for Christmas. Another aunt and uncle came over last night and lavished my children with gifts. We made Christmas cookies.

Gracie waxes her upper lip


Today we went to the gym: all the kids ran around the gym and I went to a spinning class and showered. All three girls then went roller skating. It was a joy to see the older kids help the toddlers skate. Next, I dropped them off at Sue's and went to work to get ready for our semester end party. It was such a success. The kids participated in the potluck and one of them even brought pico de gallo, my favorite food. I brought brownies, my other favorite food. The walls were covered in art, the students were all there, parents, friends and city people came. I received some nice compliments from students and parents. I had my picture taken with the mayor. It was fun.

Right now I am really interested in the Weston A Price Foundation, a dietary philosophy that encourages raw dairy and pastured meats, and Charlotte Mason, a nineteenth century homeschooling philosophy that starts children in nature as much as possible, with no formal training, then starts them in on classic literature, poetry, and art history. They also make lapbooks, delightful, non-linear scrapbook-like collections of info and imagery on a studied subject.

e-waste etc.

This blog has a great blogroll on the lower right, where I found this:
How to talk to a climate skeptic

My sister is in Lagos right now.


The second video on this link about e-waste in China is especially good. (thanks, Dee)

Today I am trying to get organized. I am seeking online inspiration for a set menu, in order to buy the same grocery list every week or so ... to simplify and streamline. My mind feels like more of a sieve lately than usual.

We had a busy weekend of visits, crafting, gingerbread house making, industrial quantity cookie making, and driving around. So, this morning we did nothing. I bought some Christmas presents online and was very upset that I was automatically signed up for a $29.95/mo shopper's club and only knew about it because they sent an email to welcome me. I called and waited to talk to someone who sounded on another continent to cancel my scam membership. I am feeling wary of who I buy online from now. hotmoviesale.com was the site that led to an automatic membership with smartsavingscenter.com. Beware.

gracie blows a bubble

Chris suggested we go to Old Country Buffet for breakfast today.  Afterwards, we cleaned house, then Charlotte and I did a little shopping.  We picked up board books at the thrift store to paint as photo albums.  

Wendy came over and we had a nice visit.  I maniacally decided to make her a fabric stencil of John's face for her to use as a craft.  When she left, I ran a gift card over to the neighbor for her baby shower.  They told me to stay and I felt bad that I couldn't.  We went straight to my mom's to make gingerbread houses and got home after 11.  

Last night I organized the 2000 photos from Hawaii till 3 in the morning.  I am determined to make an album for Amy by tomorrow morning when we go over to make cookies.  Amy invited us to Hawaii this summer, got us buddy passes for the plane and shared her family's condo.   I've been meaning to make her a little artist book about it for six months now.

there's a penis!

(not in the video. I just like the video.)


While reading the girls a library book for kids about Michelangelo, I laughed about tape someone had put over a penis. They asked what was funny and then looked for as many penises as they cold find. "there's a penis! there's a penis" in stereo.

Gracie loves to wear a belt.


Today we had friends over because I locked the keys in the car at gymnastics and Tracy was kind enough to drive us around. We had lunch, played with two electricity kits, and then went to an art opening together. It was fun.

She was interested in seeing my artwork. I have no confidence about anything I've ever made and about how prolific I've never been. I don't want to disappoint anyone who thinks I am a real artist. There is only one way to solve this: put the kids to bed on time and go downstairs and paint till Chris gets home. Stop talking. Worst case scenario: I get bitten by a spider. Best case scenario: I finish the work due in March, I become a better teacher for becoming a better artist, I start to sell work and make enough to take the family on an RTW. Or even just pay the dentist. Stop talking.

...look at their castle.


closer...

what a douche. I am mostly hopeful that things can only get better for IL gubernatorially.

This weekend we saw the Smashing Pumpkins at the Aragon. It was amazing. I felt like I was witnessing something important. They rocked so hard and the lights were so intense, I felt like my chest ripped open like a black hole and it all swirled in. The last half hour or so, his brother (who is disabled) came on stage and played the timpani drums and tambourine. They were so at home on stage, Billy walking around and laughing. It was great. They are not rocking hard here, but this is from that show and one of my favorite songs in high school.


I took the girls rock climbing this week but forgot my camera.

We spent Sunday afternoon, the five of us, making paper snowflakes, getting a little competitive.

The girls, especially Charlotte, have been making little puppets from craft sticks and construction paper. I had no hand in this. In fact, I read a book this week during school hours. Totally slacked. Honeymoon with my Brother.

They did math and grammar worksheets today. And played on the computer too long. We made gingerbread men and elf paper doll chains.

This week I quit the gym and then rejoined it at Chris' urging. For my sanity, not my hot body.

I am done with pink hair. I can never last more than two weeks. I think I've done a version of pink five times this fall. For the first time in six years. I'm not sure what that's about. I don't want to get caught up in perfecting myself in a media sexy way. Pink reminds me to keep my sense of humor and youth. My hair is fried. I only care about world travel right now and can't be bothered with hair maintenance. This is why I shaved my head in college. I just didn't want to deal with it. I was thinking that's what doing drugs is like: you have problems so you try to escape them - it's like not wanting bangs anymore so you cut them off at the scalp. It only delays your happy results.

Nigeria puts the fear of God in me

Last week I wrote that I was zero parts Christian and its been rolling around in my mind since then in a guilty sort of way. Tonight I told the girls, for the first time, to pray when I put them to bed. Specifically for my sister and her family, who were due to be taking off for Nigeria at that very moment.

We grew up in a fundamentalist church. Turnoffs included the inevitable consequences of black and white thinking, my mom's overreactions to popular culture; cliques, materialism, the mad, angry Sunday mornings in a rush to look good and get to Sunday school on time, a youth pastor who believed dancing was a sin but called people 'faggot' in disgust, the behavior of most Christians, the megalomania, the insincerity, the boringness of having to listen to WMBI in the car, and an overall inability to really believe what I was being taught - to deep inside have 'the fire.' I tried really hard. I was in the leadership sector of the youth group. I outlined the new testament on my own in junior high. I went to countless youth revivals. I went to Jesus camp.

I found my real friends outside the church. I rebeled as hard - harder- than my mom tried to control me. I questioned 2000 year old Christianity in the scope of human history. I questioned the role of missionaries and the legitimacy of other religions. I embraced evolution. I went to college. I lived in Japan. I read Ken Wilbur. The last shred of religion dropped off when my Protestant background and my new husband's Catholic background clashed.

A Christian lobbyist was talking on NPR about Obama's abortion reduction plans. That is the most hopeful thing I've heard on this yet. A shift from the hateful black and white thinking. Just like we can't remove every soldier from Iraq tonight, we can't stop all abortions with a law. There has to be education and a long term plan crafted from compromise.

Anyway, it planted in me a seed of hope, a softening. There is a narrow shaft of light inside that shines with a belief in God, not necessarily Jesus, but it is usually obscured by shifting layers of irritation with Christians. I just caught a glimpse.

In daily news, I had an AM panic attack over Sallie Mae, we went roller skating, the girls upgraded to in-line skates, and Charlotte had a nice first playdate at Gabby's.

I enjoyed this.

guerrilla snowman builders

This morning I successfully juggled a shower, straightening my hair, making turkey chili, washing all the dishes from the last few days, getting the kids to help each other and get themselves ready to the hats for our winter hike, and got the car started. I checked directions to our group destination as I walked out the door only 30 minutes late and discovered our event was canceled. Sometimes it pays to procrastinate. At that moment of realization, I heard the door open and from the corner of my eye saw a full size person, as opposed to one of my half-heights, walk in the door and I screamed. It was Sue, who relished making me squeal, here to clean the house. She loves cleaning, after 8 years I'm finally realizing that's actually true, and wanted to help out. Yay! I no longer feel defensive about this. So the girls and I went for a hike closer by and fashioned a snowman out in the woods. They brought a carrot. Eleanor's lips were orange. She brought one to eat, too.
Look at the sweat

and tears

that went into this undertaking. Good times. The weather was relatively warm and the snow was perfect packing, rolled up like insulation.

Charlotte is taking great pride in the opportunity to show off her mad writing skills.
Eleanor is digging math today. We covered borrowing and she tried to make pattern puzzles to trick Chris with.

In school, I am stumping some students not used to independent thought with a project based on the work of Romare Bearden.
I brought some of my books to class for an enthusiastic, talented student and enjoyed flipping through them, rekindling adolescent passions

which started around twelve with a queer nostalgia for Route 66, then Kerouac and Neal Cassady but then Diane DiPrima and Carolyn Cassady's Off the Road and onto the sixties and communal culture and the San Francisco music scene and SARK and raves and painting and Basquiat and Pollock and then an obsession to circle the globe with only a few belongings on my back and then STOP! grow up, you're going to have a baby, I reeled back a bit, lost my creative fire briefly, but came back with a job Japan and then an obsession with obscure artists who make work in unique media like Mel Chin and Rirkrit Tirvanija and Yukinori Yanagi and artists like Allen Kaprow, Yves Klein, and Minor White. And now I teach and parent and have cultivated a pleasure in being still. An ethical Beat. More zen than I ever could have been before the responsibility of kids. And now is not my time to be artistically prolific or obsessed with my own desires. I was looking through old photos of the girls and I want to throw up they are so cute and that stage is already over. Sometimes I blink and realize briefly that I am in a wormhole of parenting my young children and next time I blink, it will be over.

dog hair in the cranberries

Listening to NPR on the way to drop the kids off for work, heard the corporate jet-setting auto CEO's were driving hybrid cars to DC this time to ask for their 25 billion.  I laughed out loud.  "What's so funny, mommy?"  Can't you picture these fat cats stuffed into one little hybrid, wringing their tails?  Driving what, 12 hours?  I don't know really, maybe they're nice guys.  

The city inspector came for the annual check of our rental house this morning.  I was too afraid to tell him about the door not fitting in the doorway in front of the landlord.  The space actually lets light in.  I'm thinking about it now because I feel the draft from the next room.  

We went to the library with Gracie today.  She is entering that terribly two range.  She is also talking more.  She has to brush her teeth anytime anyone else brushes teeth.  She rubs her finger across her teeth and says "teeee" with the corners of her mouth spread as far apart as possible.  

We also went to Borders, where I used my 20% homeschool discount and a birthday gift card to buy math and reading workbooks.  I bought Spectrum and Kumon.  The girls love it.  They left their Christmas movie to do another workbook page before bed. 

Yesterday I think I had mastitis.  Just for one day.  I was shaking with chills and fever and aches like a heroin addict going cold turkey.  I called Chris crying to come home from studying so I could take a nap before we both went to work.  The girls played in the snow.  They were excited to keep putting on their snowpants.  When I got home from work that night, feeling considerably better, I studied them and realized I hadn't been present with them at all that day.  That was how it felt every day when Eleanor went to first grade.

Thanksgiving was fine and I am just now ending it with the leftovers.  I am at this very moment procrastinating a late night batch of turkey chili.

Gracie helped my mom make pie crust.

We made "all nine kinds of pie that Harold liked best." ...I still have three whole pies left.  

The next day, Chris trussed the turkey and stuffed it with White Castle stuffing he made himself.


Eleanor helped me make deviled eggs, but no one was on time, so no one ate them.


The dinner was good, though. It was our first turkey. My favorite part was the cranberry applesauce. I put 24 oz of fresh cranberries, maybe a cup or so of sort of still frozen chunks of apple that didn't fit into the pies, a cup of sugar, and two cups of water into a sauce pan and cooked it down for maybe twenty minutes, then put it through the vita mix. I would have used less water. Like maybe a cup. And I would have strained it before serving it to my sister in law. My magical vita mix did not blend away all of the cranberry skins, leaving only little curled up shreds that bore a striking resemblance to a lot of white dog hair. I strained the leftovers for myself the next day and really enjoyed it.


The next day we went to the holiday parade and saw the fireworks with family.


And the next day we saw Nada Surf at the Metro. It was awesome.
This is my favorite song by them.

death and pie

I woke up with a stye in my eye.  All five of us went for a walk first thing in the morning...in part, because Eleanor called me lazy last night.  Chris and I bought Smashing Pumpkins tickets as soon as they went on sale.  I took a long shower.

I brined the turkey and made a giblet stock.  I scraped out the pie pumpkins I roasted yesterday.

My mom came over and we made 8 batches of pie crust.  I started to lose my patience with the girls' tendency to fling flour, etc as they measured.  I rolled out half the crusts.  The girls played and I put away the dollhouse.  

My mom waved me over to the coffee table.  Despereaux was flat and dead on the table.  Charlotte said she put him in the cage and I thought I saw her do it, but here he was, on the table.  The dollhouse must have been set on top of him.   I scooped him up in a magazine and took him outside without saying anything.  I wished that Chris was home.  I looked at my mom and she said why don't you go replace it before they notice.  

I told the girls we needed more butter and got in the car with the phone book.  I asked the pet store to hold a gray dwarf with black eyes.  I sat in day-before-Thanksgiving traffic and asked for my hamster.  Wrong store.  Back through the traffic to a closer store of a similar name.  This hamster was female and the girls know Despereaux was a boy.  It was also dark grey and not white underneath.  I paid $17 for it and then stopped in for my excuse butter, feeling guilty to leave the hamster in the car.

It must have taken 45 minutes to get out of there with four items.  Day-before-Thanksgiving.  I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack.  I bought a bottle of wine to share with my mom.  I picked up Little Caesar's and put the hamster in my coat pocket.

I got the kids' attention with pizza and slipped the new hamster into the cage.

My mom wanted to witness the discovery of the 'lost' hamster, so after pizza we pointed out that it had come back to its food.  

Some of Charlotte's comments:

It can't be a different hamster...?

(I suggested it was dirty after getting lost.)

Maybe we have hamsters in the basement.

(Oh god, she knows.)

It looks different.

(It is definitely not as cute.)

I feel like a murderer.  I know small rodents die and it would be OK if it was eaten by an owl or something, but getting crushed by a dollhouse on day two is unnatural and ultimately irresponsible of me to not have kept sufficient watch.  I feel guilty and a sense of gloom.  

I was busy making pie.  Four apple, three pumpkin, two blueberry, and one chocolate.  And cranberry apple sauce from scratch and sweet potato casserole.  

I feel so bad.  

In other news, my brother Ray and Nicole came by for a nice, surprise visit this evening.  I was grateful for the pleasant distraction.  

Despereaux the Hamster

"The dishes are done!" (Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead)

Friday: Totally crashed, I think...as though to exhale deeply between a few months of work and a week off. Watched the Tinkerbell movie. Lame. Had hotdogs for dinner at Tania's. Nice.


Saturday the girls and I took the train to see the Nutcracker ballet. First we met friends at a raw restaurant. Surprisingly filling, I had to take half home just like any other restaurant. The girls were impatient and then wouldn't eat their "ice-cream" for lunch. The ballet was lovely; we all enjoyed it. Charlotte fell asleep. They were starving. I tried to give them chewable vitamin C from my purse. Pathetic.

We had some time before our train home, so we stopped into a train themed diner where 50's music plays and every one's meal is brought by toy train. I carefully counted the singles I had left and the girls were vindicated. It was great.


Later that night we went to an open studio party.

Sunday I got up early and took the train alone to go to a local farming conference. The permaculture lecture was the big draw. Thrilling. Followed by vendor food samples. I thoroughly enjoyed the morning view of Millennium Park from the windows and my blessed solitude before other people arrived. It is also fun to be surrounded by like-minded locavore types. I made some interesting connections and arranged to barter art lessons for a B&B stay.

Part of my motivation to go was my tenuous interest in becoming a small farmer, but I don't think that's what I really want to do. My interests lie more within homesteading, without the pressures and debt of farming. Using permaculture design, I could feed my family on a half acre (including the house.) I envision chickens and a pair of dairy goats, as well as a garden including fruit, nut, and hardwood trees. Part of the permaculture retirement plan is planting valuable woods.

In the permaculture talk, I learned that first you determine what your needs are, then: the three principles are to serve the earth, serve people and creatures, and give the excess back to the earth/people/creatures. It is the opposite of hording/capitalism. You fulfill your family's needs and give the rest away. That feels very natural to me. Another prominent idea is to labor as little as possible because you have designed your personal, edible ecosystem beautifully and are working with nature and not against it. This also feels right, if not obvious. I enjoyed the speaker's anecdotes and clever solutions, born of calling your problems surpluses. For example, he suggested, if you had a slug problem, what you really have is a slug surplus, which is really a duck shortage. Get some ducks and turn the slugs into more useful eggs, feathers, and meat. ...He made it sound much more clever. His website is permaculture.com.
I'd like to take a design course around here, but it is hard to imagine taking 10 days away from my family and shelling out $1500. Maybe in a few years. I keep checking the design manual out from the library but it's not something you can learn from a book.

On Monday, we had a slow start.  The girls are enjoying reading together.

 After taking them to girl scouts, we went to five stores shopping for the best deals on Thanksgiving dinner items, and then bought a hamster. I was so pleased to get a turkey for 46cents a pound that I even filled out the store's card application, which I hate - why do I have to give them all my info to get their sale prices? - but I traded my personal data and ten dollars for a 22 lb turkey.

The hamster's name is Desperaux Tilling. The saleslady at the understaffed pet store, who smelled badly of cigarettes, told me all the things I needed to buy, which I discounted completely as bullshit, insisted that I buy water drops that cost almost as much as the hamster, so it doesn't get diarrhea. I chalked that up to a lack of confidence in their animals (probably warranted) and wouldn't you know it, 24 hours later that thing shit on Charlotte's leg.

Other than that, ( and I just hope it lives for awhile) it has been the thrill of the house. The girls set it loose in the dollhouse and we created a jungle gym for it out of paper towel tubes and an oatmeal cylinder. I watched it last night for awhile, and my imagine ignited, determining how I would rig three maze-like levels in what is probably just an old birdcage. (I secretly desire something like the setup Natalie Portman had in Garden State.)

We had a delightful play date today. I am quickly discovering what kind of homeschoolers we are, and what kind of person I am in context of the homeschooling women I have met over the last three months. To sum in three terms: independent, laid back, manners matter. Two parts unschool, one part old-fashioned, zero parts Christian. I am still reeling over learning that some Christian groups consider efforts to save the earth a sin. I sometimes have to make a concerted effort in my mind not to consider them an enemy. I want to live peacefully alongside people of different beliefs and origins and to model understanding for my daughters. But chalking up the greed and laziness that has led to environmental problems as dismissible because the earth is insignificant in our eternal lives and God has a plan, sounds like a shameful excuse for being irresponsible. How can people turn their backs on science so extremely?

I find extremists on both left and right sides and try to avoid both groups. I don't know if that's peacefully coexisting, but I do know that my family's happiness grows best in low to no drama. I'm not looking for a fight, and the older I get, the more I know I'm right. Isn't that pretty universal? Anyway, I think we've found a really nice family to hang out with who are extreme-free and have 3 kids the same ages as ours.

Last night we finally finished cleaning the girls' room (actually I still have garbage bag full of miscellaneous stuff from their room now hiding in mine) because that had to be done before they were hamster owners, and in doing so, I finally discovered the source of the mysterious fruit flies. I thought it was a little spilled cider that I'd cleaned up already, but they never went away. I never questioned the Dr. Seuss backpack, hanging innocently from the hook on the door. Opaque and seldom used. In my quest to organize, I checked it for books and it exploded in fruit flies. I briefly glimpsed something soft and blue, but slammed it shut and ran it outside to the garbage. The find was equally satisfying and repelling.

Later that night, watching House and having a rare beer with Chris, I laughed and laughed at the hamster crawling up the cage and falling over and over. Chris doesn't seem to want to touch it. Hee hee.

Today I began the morning with dishes while Eleanor ate a pomegranate and then read the story of Persephone, online. She said, "That's a nice story for when you're eating a pomegranate." Then we cleaned the house and I got a little cranky. I wished I had time for a shower. (I still haven't taken one.) They worked in workbooks until their friends came over, then they all played with the hamster until lunch, hot dogs in crescent rolls, then played with the hamster some more (no wonder it's sick...sick of them) then had a little art project that apparently contributes to a girl scout badge, then played with the hamster some more. After our friends left, Gracie took a nap, and the girls and I rotated learning to knit and creating the hamster jungle gym. It was dark and quiet and peaceful. I made elbow noodles with garlic and a roux and kale and a little chicken and craisins. It was good. I also reserved noodles for regular red sauce for those whose palates are not as sophisticated as Gracie's and mine. The girls practiced typing with a kids' program and then we watched The Polar Express and drank hot chocolate.

Chris and I are going to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall now.

That hamster wheel needs a little WD40 or something.

cinnamon essene

I watched this great show last night on the travel channel about two British guys living with a hunter gatherer tribe in Papua while Chris stayed up all night to finish a homework assignment.  I didn't stay up all night.  I took the girls to a show today  that involved magic and learning about rhythm in music.  It was amateur in the way that, sitting in the front row, I felt I must smile and look like I'm enjoying failed jokes or they would feel bad.  Maybe that's my problem, but they looked sort of ... not confident.  The kids enjoyed it though and were picked to be helpers on stage which is their dream come true.  Gracie wrapped my arms around her torso for awhile and then just wanted to nurse.  

She is really good at communicating with pointing, nodding, and facial expressions.  She is repeating more and more sounds intentionally and enjoys our cheers for this trick.  She has a fantastic smile.  

My mom came over for lunch and I made chicken legs and guacamole.  The girls worked on cleaning their room in the morning but after lunch they just ran around whipping each other with towels, jumping on the couches, and yelling.  

Charlotte's visiting day for dance class was changed from the original day, which I couldn't attend, to the single day I had off work.  YAY!

I am enjoying work and the crazy old building we moved to.  I like my students, which I think is my saving grace with them as I sometimes fear I am not a very good teacher.  Only because I have no teacher training, not because I couldn't be.

When I got home, the girls were in their PJs and all wound up.  They begged Sue to sing the name song (banana fana...) over and over and she obliged, and they fell on the floor laughing every time.  I'm so pleased to see this dynamic.

I finally made essene bread from this interesting website and it is delicious!  I think I might even get Charlotte to eat it.  Maybe. It is three cups of organic wheat berries, soaked overnight in a sealed quart jar, then rinsed and towel covered in a big bowl all day, rinsed every few hours, then ground up as soon as little white sprouts appear.  I mushed them into a tuna salad-like consistency in tiny batches in the vita mix because I don't have a food processor (that would be MUCH easier) and it smelled like sweet, delicious bread already.  The girls were enthralled with this process from the beginning and helped mush in a little honey, sea salt, and cinnamon and then spread it thin on a buttered cookie sheet.  It's not supposed to be buttered, but I don't have a no-stick pan, either.  I baked it at 200 for an hour about.  Till I remembered it.  It's supposed to be awesome for you.  

blueberries

Today Eleanor and I made blueberry pancakes.

about 2 cups Hungry Jack complete pancake mix

about a quarter cup each of flaxseed and bob's red mill 8 grain porridge ground up in the vita mix

water to consistency

a volume of frozen blueberries that roughly equals the batter

These were delicious with a little real maple syrup.

We also shared a  blueberry smoothie and by we I mean not Charlotte, that was frozen blueberries, a little raw honey, and water.  Our teeth were blue and I felt full of magical antioxidants.  Which is a much better feeling than my full of chocolate chips feeling I have right now.  I don't think I will ever buy a bag of Ghiradelli chocolate chips from Sam's again.

I told the girls I would buy them a hamster if they cleaned their room.  They worked on it all day, on and off.  I washed all the dishes and finished just in time to brush my hair before work.  I have worn the same pair of jeans almost everyday for at least two weeks now.  Sometimes I don't feel like jeans need to be washed.  Like a weave.  

I had a weave once, when I was friends with a lady who used to be a stripper and she had a weave for a magazine spread she did.  I thought long hair would be fun but it was just itchy.  I washed it after like four days and then it looked like shit.  That's funny.  I can't believe I did that.  

We read Swiss Family Robinson before bed and they pleaded for a second chapter.  I like that they can enjoy a story told in an older English.  

I also made white trash Spanish rice (with a can of refried beans and some tortilla chips) for lunch.  I made it up, but I bet it's been done before.  

Leftover rice

some margarine

a couple squirts of ketchup

a little chicken stock paste

It was really good.  In Japan they sell om rice, which is ketchup flavored rice wrapped in an omlette.   That's good too, but not as good as tacoyaki, which is octopus balls, not testicles, just ball shaped.  You can get them here at Mitsuwa Market.  I want to go right now.

Wednesday was gorgeous and we met our group for a hike in the woods.  Hikes in the woods are my favorite.  Hands down my best memory as a kid.  

We watched Kung Fu Panda and now Charlotte wants to take karate.  

Thursday night I was reading about geology and the age of the earth to the girls and Charlotte said God made the earth in six days right? and I said no and she said but that's what my teacher said and I said I disagree and she said but my teacher is a grown up so I believe her and I said sometimes grownups believe different things and she said I'm so confused! and started to cry.  She was very upset, trying to understand God and the meaning of life, until her little body fell asleep on the couch two hours later.  This child is a deeply thinking old soul.

I will never send them to vacation bible school with my cousin's kids again.  

Friday we went to open gym at a gymnastics place.  Big success.  Their favorite part was the pits of foam cubes to jump into.  I wore striped tights and leg warmers to make up for boring hair.  In this garb, I had the scare of my life when we ran out of gas after gymnastics.  The car is already a beater (today  a third door is stuck shut) so I wasn't sure it was the gas.  No IDIOT light.  The car stopped moving in the middle of the highway along an entrance ramp so I couldn't get to the side of the road.  I called Chris as it slowed down, then 911 and I must have been panicking because the lady kept telling me to stop panicking.  We were stopped in the right lane, all my kids in the backseat, speeding cars swerving to miss us.  A small, well-dressed  Hispanic man ran up to my car and yelled you're gonna get hit! and told me to put it in neutral.  He pushed us to the shoulder and I got out of the car, shaking, and gave him a hug.  He got back into his car with his family and drove away.  I am so grateful to that man.  His bravery saved our lives.  

Thank you, man.

I called Chris, who was waiting helplessly to hear if we were OK, then called the insurance to bring gas.  Sue called and said she would wait on the side of the road till she heard the insurance would come but then my friend Wendy, who I was on my way to meet for the first time in ten years and was now late for called and she said she would bring gas, so I hung up with the insurance elevator music, called back Sue, and then the HELP truck came(from the 911 call), just as Eleanor was about to pee on the side of the road.  Like a peanut, her bladder.  So I called Wendy to tell her not to come, but then the HELP guy said there was an accident, so he had to leave, so I called Wendy back and we had our reunion on the side of the road.  

We had a very nice visit and talked for five hours, walking around the mall (and I hate the mall.)  There was no good reason that we ever stopped being friends and I always missed her, so I hope we stay in touch now.  I then took the kids to my dad's for a visit and then at 10! to my aunt's to wish Nicole a happy birthday.  mother of the year.  

Saturday I was hopelessly depressed.  I even considered deleting my blog because it is not perfect and I don't do anything well and I want to be good at something.  I think it was mostly a hormonally charged? (or just crazy) overreaction to a disorganized house.  The clothes carpet is back.  I felt very overwhelmed at my choice to unschool and the awesome responsibility that comes with.  I always choose open-ended, creative options and then beat myself up over never being good enough because there is no black and white in anything I choose.  I could always do better.  This was one of the reasons I applied to nursing school last year, for a more linear path to the bottom line.   I need a regular balance of linear and open-ended tasks.  Seeming like there are a lot of nurses in my life lately, with reliable incomes, I again considered taking another pre-req toward nursing, just to mosey along to a two year degree.  Might as well get on the waitlist.  It wouldn't be like the accelerated masters program I was going to do.  Just easy does it.  ... I don't know.  It's already hard with Chris taking a couple classes.  Saturday was worse because he was gone most of the day.  

We also went to my other aunt's house and made cupcakes all afternoon.  She is always happy and laid back and I tend more toward crabby, so I actually found seven kids hopped up on frosting a little stressful.  I was grateful for the company.

Sunday I made sure to get out of the house for a few hours myself.  I went to the gym and then to the store, special coupon in hand, and bought myself a magenta, a teal, and a chartreuse top each.  The colors were very exciting.  I saw a ridiculous pre-lit pink Christmas tree in the Big Lots flyer for $50.  It is a waste of money, not sustainable, and maybe not even reuseable, but I can't get the image of that pink tree, covered in turquoise ball ornaments, out of my mind.  Light pink and turquoise makes me crazy; my heart skips a beat.  

This morning, the girls and I went to a 3D IMAX showing of whales and dolphins.  Even Gracie wore the glasses and reached out to touch the cetaceans.  I imagined that this imagery would be logged away in her permanent memory, instilling in her a passion for the sea, for which she wouldn't know the origin.

We stopped by my mom's for lunch afterward and she tried to give me a box of my stuff, but I know my box of journals, diaries, love letters was eaten by mice.  this was Margaret's.  I read her 8 years old diary.  My mom told me stop it.  I love childhood misspelling.  I love remembering the little girl, vulnerable version of my sister.  She sells herself so well now that even I buy it.  

I love you Margaret.  

Instead of Margaret's box, we left with a hamster cage and a microscope.  

Friday my mom took the kids for a visit, freeing Chris and I up for thrift store shopping and lunch. He searched for ammo for his ugly seater contests and we discussed possibilities for this year's Christmas portrait. Last year we were an 80s family, inspired by our own family portraits as kids; I glued a Magnum PI stache on Chris.
I think the elegance of this project was that many people can't tell it's a joke.  

At a mediocre Chinese restaurant after shopping, I tried to cheer Chris up by globbing as much hot mustard into my mouth at once.  I considered how my reaction to physical pain is laughing hysterically.  

Saturday I bought myself running shoes from a dedicated running store for the first time in 17 years.  Which is only the second time.  They feel great.  I wore them out of the store and stopped at a park for a jog.  It was freezing and drizzling and every gust of wind made me laugh out loud.  I lasted 5 minutes.  I colored my hair pink again in time for my date with Chris.  BJ and Andi came over to watch the kids.  We went out for Italian food and brought back pie and wine.  The girls recited Science Verse for our guests and I was really pleased that they chose to demonstrate something cute and impressive instead of equally possible admissions of doing nothing all day as homeschoolers.  

  

In the middle of the night, Chris ate the rest of the pie and I didn't get any!  It took me a day to realize this and when I accused him, he laughed hysterically.  Totally worth it.  To see him laugh like that.  

Monday I ran at the gym and my legs are still sore.  In class, I was inspired to actually make art - which I have a huge fear of doing in class in case my students think I suck.  But I was filled with the magic I used to get filled with.  I have been thinking about the sky as an open matrix and fixating on how fall leaves pass through space that is normally empty.  Blossoms and birds do this too.  Also, when we went to Hawaii, I so enjoyed the sensation of flying over and with the fish while snorkeling, which is also an open matrix with things temporarily passing through.  I thought about how these two things were similar and made big charcoal scrawlings about these ideas about space.  A student said to me as I did this, Miss, you gotta teach me to draw.  I said that's what I've been trying to do.  ...Where have I gone wrong?  I thought about it and then announced at the end of class that from now on, they can replace the assignments with their own ideas if they wanted.  I told them that I respected that so much of their time is accounted for in doing things they don't want to do, to jump through the hoops to get to what they need.  I thought we had covered enough basics that this class didn't have to be one more thing like that for them.

Eleanor had a sleepover at Grandma's this weekend, so Charlotte had to have one tonight.  Eleanor cried a lot about Charlotte leaving.  

Today I colored my hair dark golden blonde because that was the color that was deeply discounted at Target.  And because the pink wasn't done right.  I also cut bangs down to my eyelids.  I also cut Eleanor's hair and then asked Sue if she could take her to Great Clips while I was at work so they could fix it.  This all made me late for work, but not as late as my students.

YAY!

*

Tuesday, the girls and I researched the candidates issues and the election process and then we went to vote and they helped fill out the ballot.  When we got home at night we plopped down in front of MSNBC and I continued to hype them up.  By the time the breaking news flashed on the screen that Obama had won, they were sleeping on me.  I was filled with such a strong collective spirit of national pride and a sense of history happening that I started sobbing for the next five minutes.  Eleanor sleepily told me to stop laughing.  I tried to wake her up so she could get it, but no.  For the first time in my life I felt so proud to be an American and for the first time in my life I prayed for the safety of the president.  My emotion surpassed words and I got up and danced.  

We also went to the zoo.

In class, I had my students watch the story of stuff and choose a suggestion from the end of the movie to make a public service announcement poster for.  One of my students, who is one of my best and most delightful students, declined to make a poster about a green suggestion because it went against her philosophy.  I thought 'change your lightbulbs' was pretty benign but I guess not.  When she said she just cares about humans, I suggested that this is where we live - planet dies, we die.  Nope.  I let her do her thing, but I imagined making T shirts that said save the human habitat or something.  It alarms me that being environmentally conscious is against a religion.  

Wednesday we went to the park and we had pee pants drama.  I thought about how Eleanor wants so badly to play with older kids in this group and how her not being quite old enough for them may be hard on her self esteem.  This day was a little harder because I got up on the wrong side of the bed.  I irrationally wanted Chris not to leave in the morning and then had trouble getting organized to get out the door.  When we did get to the park, the weather was gorgeous again, very coastal feeling, windy.  And the light was beautiful.  I was sorry I forgot my camera.  Gracie is still loving climbing the jungle gyms and wandering around to her own drummer.  Charlotte played the whole time with her one friend, making a sand castle.  And Eleanor played for a while with the older kids.  I really hoped they didn't see her pants.  She explained later that she was having fun and didn't want to stop and then she laughed.  She screamed at me because I wouldn't take her to Old Navy right then for new pants and panties and then come back to the park.  I don't even know how she ever imagined that was a possibility.  

Today we had dinner for breakfast as a family.  I was so pleased.  I served rolls and the potato kale soup I made (with 5 pureed red peppers...) the girls and I went to the gym and after the elliptical, I swam and it felt great.  It was this time last year that I decided I would do a summer sprint triathlon.  I got up at 5 AM for awhile and then we all took turns getting sick and then we had Violet for a while... and I didn't care anymore.  As usual, I'd told about 100 people I was going to do it.  This time I will not even tell myself.  

After the gym we went roller skating.  I am really enjoying the friendships with the other moms I have met there.   The girls have officially become much better skaters and thus enjoy it even more.   

On the way to drop the kids off at Sue's, the weather was exactly the same as the first day I ever visited Chris at his parents and I told the girls about how I missed the turn here and there wasn't a light then.  And that we played cards.  Then Eleanor and Charlotte talked three times longer about how they like to play cards with Daddy.  

Gracie said bubble today and is also, according to Sue, working on yellow, hello, and blue.  She has been saying this and that and all done, but she is getting more consistent now.  Bubble was the first word she repeated on demand.  She also does a very solemn dance and will pull anyone's hand to demand that you join her.  She raises her chubby arms over her big baby head and slowly turns around.  

crazy ass tired

Chris said there was some yellow mystery liquid on the plastic wrap of the leftover vegetables he was eating. He said smell my hand. I didn't know either. Well I found it this afternoon. Rotten red pepper. I threw all six into the compost then picked five back up, smeared off the slime, and brought them back in and washed them. So be forewarned if you come over and I serve stuffed red peppers.

I went to Wal Mart yesterday and tried to buy things my family would like. I spent twice as much as usual and bought five kinds of meat. It is such a burden to be an educated label reader. I can't just pick stuff up and throw it in the cart. I know too much. My failure in grocery shopping is perfectionism. I made pork chops last night because Charlotte wanted dumplings. I sauteed an onion and an apple and then fried little pork medallions. They were good. I also sauteed brussel sprouts fresh off the stalk, which Eleanor used as a back scratcher, cauliflower, and of course, dumplings. I still have a bin of assorted greens nagging me for attention before they suffer a fate similar to the red pepper.

We went to the gym today and Gracie could see me and kept waving and running off. I was happy she didn't cry for me. Her words are starting to form. It reminds me of when cooking pudding the milk just starts to get silky before it thickens. Her language seems so tangible. She sat in her playpen so pleasantly tonight while I read science and sometimes we made eyes at each other. She likes sitting in her boppy.



We had a reading picnic today because it was amazingly beautiful weather. We laid on a blanket and read The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo. I took some pictures; the light was magical.

(Charlotte made this for Despereaux the mouse while I read.)

Eleanor brought with her to Sue's today my orange corduroys and an orange shirt and I asked her if it was because she missed me and she started sobbing in the car. She wouldn't stop hugging me when I dropped her off and then went into the bathroom to be alone. Sue said she wore the outfit twice that night. I suddenly remembered how Eleanor cried almost everyday last fall because we didn't see each other between her school and my work. I am glad we're doing this (unschooling.)

This morning I woke up with a longing for Japan, having dreamt again that I was there and unable to see our Japanese friends. It is like waking up after dreaming about a bad ex boyfriend who was great in the dream and then you miss him all morning (for the record, I don't have these anymore.) I am beginning to recognize these dreams as just missing Japan and realize that I don't want to move back. We have a lot of nice friends here now and I have no desire to start custom building a community again.

Hey!  Tomorrow is the big day.  I've been looking forward to election day like my own birthday.  I have been excited for Obama since his senate acceptance speech.  I briefly thought about taking the girls down to Grant Park in case of a historic and local victory, but not only did Chris forbid it, if he loses there might be a riot. Also, today I remembered when I took them last summer to see The Sound of Music in Grant Park  and Eleanor got lost in the dark and I vowed I would never do that again.  Oh my god it will be crazy down there.  We'll watch it on TV.  

Day of the Dead

I'm having an unhealthy relationship with the fun size snickers bars from my kids' trick or treats. We had a just as fun dead day as halloween. We went to Oliver's party at the children's museum and then back to their place for pizza. I had some morning errands to run so Chris was super nice and drove the 45 minutes to get the last CSA pick up. I'm all CSA'd out. I think the drive negates the positives. My car won't start. Chris took it apart but it's an enigma. (audible sigh)

I was sorry to leave the Oliver party but we already had plans to meet Liz and her family at the Mexican Museum which was not as authentic as promised - read: Coke and generic cookies instead of Mexican hot chocolate and day of the dead bread - but fun. The highlight was getting together with them. Mexican folk art is my favorite, especially the skeletons. The girls decided to make colorful skeleton marionettes later this week. I liked that we could read the signs in the museum together on a Saturday night and it wasn't schoolish to them.

After the museum we stopped by the hipster cafe where my friend works. It's always great to see her and I'd never been there before. The girls were cute with their tiny hot chocolates. I could probably have more of a downtown grown up life if I tried a little harder. I'd enjoy that.

Halloween

We had a great day. The girls went trick or treating at the retirement home in the morning with Grandma Sue, then went to the park with their other grandma - it was GORgeous today. Chris and I had a chance to go out to lunch together after I came home from work and before he had to leave - and without the kids! It was so nice, but whatever I ate at Chili's gave me a headache and then I fell asleep.

At 4 we went around the block, which is SO hard to wait till 4! when you are Charlotte and Eleanor- and which I love to do because we get to connect with the neighbors. I think Halloween is the friendliest holiday. On our way to spend the rest of the evening with family, we cruised the strip of big historical houses where we marveled at the parade of trick or treaters. Charlotte yelled Obama! at a poster where my boss happens to live, so we stopped by and I had a glass of wine with them. It was lovely. We could hardly hold a conversation, the stream of trick or treaters was endless. Obviously the rest of the city busses their kids to this neighborhood. I can't imagine how much candy they buy. We had one bag, which we supplemented with the candy the kids didn't want from their first run, left it on the porch, and there was still some when we got back.

We did a second run with our cousins and then all went to dinner at Old Country Buffet where costumed kids ate free. I haven't been there in years because I don't like it, but it was really fun and the kids enjoy the food and getting it themselves. It is decadent for me to not hear them whine about what's for dinner.

I stayed up late last night coloring my hair and again ran out of product. I also tried to cut it and couldn't get it even in back. Chris fixed it for me this morning. I thought I looked like a junior high girl who couldn't color her hair, but I got compliments on my "highlights," so maybe I'll let it go for awhile. This time I used light pink.

NOFX

This morning I did dishes and the girls danced on the coffee table to NOFX.

A family friend, whose husband Chris donated a kidney to, took the girls school shopping today. I hate the mall and avoid going more than once a year, but we had a very nice time. She bought them clothes and lunch and ice cream and a carousel ride.

pickled plumberry quinoa

Today we had a lot of fun at a Halloween party with our unschooling group.

I made quinoa.
Boil 4 cups water
Add 2 cups quinoa
Cover and cook 12-15 minutes till the water is gone
Fluff and turn off heat
Toss in handful of pinenuts
Toss in a handful of golden flaxseeds, see that there is just a little left in the jar and throw that in too
Add handful of dried cherries. I was disappointed to discover last second that mine were sweetened.
Add handful and a half of sweetened dried cranberries.
Drizzle 2 tablespoons oil
and ume vinegar to taste (careful, it's salty)
And at least one teaspoon of umeboshi (Japanese pickled plum) flavored furikake (Japanese dried condiment to sprinkle on rice)

Today I found real mama, through which I found going green family Useful link-o-rama

I have been looking for a non-toxic cold cream and found a recipe for honey cold cream here which works out because I have a ridiculous amount of beeswax from an encaustic painting phase. Which might not be over. I really want to work in resin but it is so toxic. I signed Chris and I both up for a show in the Spring, so we'll see what gets made. I love his work. He has been too stressed out to draw since we graduated and it used to feel like a piece of him that I fell in love with was gone but I have fallen in love with the rest of him so much over the years that I don't think about it anymore. I feel it coming back, though. I think he is happier now.

We sold our car today. Yay! It sat in the driveway for a year waiting to get paid off, then another 6 months waiting to get cleaned up. Gone. Hurrah! I heart craig's list.

partytime

We had a party for Charlotte this weekend. When we were first at Chuck E Cheese, just she and I for a half hour or so, and I had no money and no table and no guests, I was trying hard not to feel anxious, but it all ended up beautifully. I left feeling like we knew so many wonderful families. One of my favorite things about home schooling has been the piecing together of the ever elusive village - and this one blends whole families, not neatly compartmentalized by age, tucking away children and old people. I am so happy to get to know kids and parents at the same time. Community is happening and it's awesome.

Our super busy day was great and we spent some nice time with Margaret and Violet, who we won't see again till next year. The kids' play was cool. Eleanor kept turning to me in the dark saying "this is fun!" The art opening was weird and a lady pivoted in the other direction to avoid me which seemed petty, but I'm not running for office; I don't have to be friends with everybody. I'm learning how important it is to know how much you can handle, and I previously couldn't handle her. Our dinner was lovely except for a moment when I felt embarrassed that I had a mini tantrum about Sarah Palin while amongst Republican family members. Lastly, Chris and I had a sort of double date concert that was really great. We saw Local H, real close, and they played everything I wanted to hear. We don't usually stand that close, but the other couple likes to (and I do, too) and I was especially impressed with how the drum sticks flew so fast they looked like Japanese fans. I had just enough to drink, good company, a sexy husband, and relished my secret plan to punch in the face any frat boys who got too close. Sunday we watched School of Rock with the girls and I was delighted that they wanted to start a band.

The next morning Charlotte decorated her cake.


I have started a new bedtime book, A Short History of Nearly Everything, for the girls that I already need to supplement with some NOVA specials because it is so exciting. He asks and answers the really interesting science questions that seem too dumb to ask in school. It has already led to some intense curiosity about the cosmos by my bedtime listeners.  

In other news, Eleanor and I had a tough day - she refused to put on shoes and socks and I lost my temper and we both cried when the other wasn't looking.  The day blossomed into something great anyway because we spent the bulk of it with our new friends and had a great time at their house.  I am excited about this new friendship.

When I got home I was excited by an email from Darcy in our group about organizing nature days.  She included this amusing video:

An enormous reason for unschooling the girls was to allow them time to be outside and learn from actual nature. How silly to force them to sit still in desks to read dull textbooks about what's outside when they just want to run around outside and discover it and truly know it. I have also been thinking about the sense of entitlement that comes from putting up with this schooling. I myself thought that because I jumped through the hoops to get a diploma and two degrees, that I deserve a good job. Going through those motions means very little. I am learning that success has more to do with ambition, creativity, problem solving, and motivation, as well as state of mind. The system, our current culture, is only relatively recently constructed and only superimposed upon reality. It has us going to schools where we are sifted and categorized and made relatively similar so that we can fit into jobs in big companies, doing work we don't love for people we don't like because we need the benefits, and it all seems more and more false and polyester and I begin to wonder if I can sidestep it. There is not just outside of the box, there is above and below it. Drug culture and not bathing and orgies, for example, are below the box. I am noticing that the box exists, is not as well considered as it could be, and trying to evolve past it. So I took the kids out of school.

have your cake

My goal tonight was to make my first 3 tier fondant cake for Charlotte's party this weekend. Tomorrow we have a play, then a playdate, then an art opening, then a dinner, then rush home to get the kids in bed and meet Chris at a concert. So the cake has to be made tonight. But I got a phone call that has me stunned and I can't get going now. This is when a diary would be better than a blog. ...But one of the reasons I started a blog and kicked the journal was because being held accountable to readers who may or may not exist will stop me from perseverating on nonsense. Like this issue. I feel like crying anyway.

Goal setting is one of my goals for homeschooling lately. (heh) So, I will get up, make my cake, take some pictures, and post them. Ok.

...

Ok. I did it. I had to wait for Chris to get home and bring me some eggs because there were none left. I half-assed this fondant recipe. And made 2 boxes of yellow cake and a double batch of buttercream frosting. I thought it would be easier. Mine looks more like a Dali.

Look what they think of it.





Oh well.