i am happy

This morning I got up before dawn to go to my favorite yoga class - for the first time in four months. I stepped out into the dark, cool morning and into a face full of spider web. I recoiled and from a different angle could see a penny-sized spider just at my nose level. I went in to tell a sleeping Chris about this problem but came to my senses, turned the porch light on, and threw the broom at the whole giant orb web and spider like some kind of javelin. And ran to the car. Yoga was great.

The girls and I did a little clean up this morning and then headed out in the rain to pick up some planters from a freecycler. I love meeting these nice people. Then we went to the Children's Museum just for a little bit. Great. We picked up bread and then had grilled cheese and tomato soup and little sundae cups that we also had bought - which I normally wouldn't because of excess packaging, but - live it up! The girls played math games online and I did the dishes. Gracie amused herself sitting under the table and then at the dollhouse. Lastly, we dipped the leaves we found on our block in wax and investigated what tree they were from. We settled on Red Maple and Green Ash. This was my favorite website for our investigation. We planned on going to the woods to collect a better variety but it rained too much so we'll go tomorrow. We are planning on doing some wood construction to showcase our waxed leaves and accompanying paperwork (read: mostly crayon rubbings) for our science fair of sorts with the unschool group.

I really like this song right now.


This morning my yoga teacher told me I look golden, compared to how gray I looked back when I was applying to nursing school. This made me feel good even though I thought it was probably just a brassy dye job at the roots. At school, a student told me my hair was green, which I've been afraid of, and also gray. Is gray in? he kept asking. I told him I was giving him an F. He actually made me feel a little bad, but then another student told me I was the best teacher and his other art teacher tells him to stop doing graffiti and I told him I was just looking at these books right now and this site is cool. That made me feel good. I get mad when punk gang kids tag my neighborhood, but the gang problem does not wipe out that what a lot of my kids are doing is art and worthy of praise. I read a long time ago that the way to read Shakespeare is to annunciate each word in specific description of that word, poor example: say the word 'loud' loudly. I think that what they try to do with letters is to annunciate each one, personify it, so each letter can tell the story on its own.


We had a little party this weekend and went apple picking. The best part was, after playing along with the whole over-priced agritourist destination, we passed a farm that was selling gorgeous pumpkins for one fifth the price. I turned around and chatted it up with the lady and bought as many as I could fit in the trunk. I take great pleasure in their smooth, flourescent orangeness.

Do you know why I'm writing this all out? Because otherwise I will forget. (It sometimes seems I can't remember anything. I assimilate new information very quickly (unless I'm tired) but I can't retain anything I don't use regularly. I am afraid I will have Alzheimer's some day. I already have Gram's teeth and ears and anxiety. )
And do you know why I take the pictures? Because at the end of the day, I can flip through them and look dreamily at my children and love them so much they take my breath away - which I don't have time to do when they're each pulling me in a different direction a lot of the day.

I just talked to Chris and confessed very guiltily that his mom left us two little bacon wrapped steak leftovers when she dropped off the kids and I ate one and then let the kids eat the other one and now there's nothing but canned peaches and beans and old guacomole. Poor Chris.

In other news, I finally posted the chore chart and the girls are very excited to get a sticker and a penny for each thing they do (get dressed, brush teeth, shower, pick up toys...) and another sticker and penny if they do it without being told. WOBT. Like WWJD, only better. If they are perfect, it will only cost me $2.80 a week. We are also learning about money and budgets and I am explaining every daily cost to them and want to start paying for everything in cash so they can get a better idea. Today we spent $8 on stamps, mailed a $52 check for tickets to 3 different theatre presentations for kids, and $10 on bread and sundae cups. Most days we don't sped anything. ... Is that true? We'll soon discover as we continue to log expenditures together!

I am so happy to have them with me. We NEED this time together to establish our familyness, boundaries and expectations. There are some children I see who have the most horrible manners. I cannot bear this fate for mine and this is the only way I know how to tackle the task. To spend so much time together - just break through the initial period of thinking you can't do it, can't resist state-mandated free babysitting, and take the hard way out. It's only been a month and I am joyous.

oh rasberries

The debate is in half an hour and I feel the sense of anticipation which I imagine some feel before the superbowl. I even thought about making cleverly shaped baked goods and hosting a get together, but I only had about 7 hours to plan.

Chris joined us at an apple orchard this morning before he went to work. We picked rasberries and bought cider and raw honey (they say local raw honey can help allergies - and its delicious) but skipped the apples for today. The girls and I are going again with Grandma on Sunday.

...

Debate's over. House is messy because I ignored kids to watch TV. I'm really tired but I guess I had just enough energy to color my hair. I tried to leave just the bottom part behind my ears pink, but I ran out of color, so now all the ends are still pink. We'll see how that turns out. douchebag. Maybe instead of sitting in my underwear with saran wrap on my head at the computer, I could chip away at the clothes carpet. Might have a party tomorrow.

...

I'm back. There are three books on my 'to read' list. You Are Here, The World is Flat, and, in looking for this last one, The World Without Us , I stumbled on the Voluntary Human Exinction Movement and I'm feeling kinda bummed out now, feeling guilty for having three kids. I knew about zero population growth in high school and after we had two kids, I declared to Chris that we were done, regardless of how he felt. After a year I started to plead with him for one more. Why did I want a third child? Try for a boy - yeah, I guess that is sexist. And I love having all girls now. Feeling guilty for telling Chris we were done and thinking he wanted one. At some point missed having a baby. I wanted to do one right, now that I knew how and didn't have two babies at once. Definitely wanted a big family party atmosphere feel. I grew up as one of four and my mom was one of ten and all the cousins and the big family were so valuable to me, to us. My mom was also disdainful toward non-parents. The more Chris said no, the more I needed to have one more. When I finshed grad school and the pressure that had pushed me into an obsessive compulsive madness was over, I felt I had two choices: be an artist who has kids, or be a mom who makes art. I felt like having another child would seal the latter and force my hand to be the mom I had been too distracted to be. When I was pregnant, I felt guilty and was afraid I had made a mistake. Of course Gracie is a delight, even though I wanted to name her Pearl and for the third and final time Chris bulldozed my names. Wanting to do the right thing, I bought cloth diapers and sewed my own wipes and read up on elimination communication, but I also taught class before she was a week old - no time off for adjuncts who are too broke to take the whole semester off - and always desperately piecing together a hodge podge schedule of babysitters - no woman already doing me the favor of watching now three, was going to use cloth diapers. So that didn't last long. Even the people closest to me gave me so much flack for that. My only advice to new mothers: Fuck all that advice you didn't ask for. Isn't everyone just an expert when you have a baby? So, we have three kids now. I felt painfully suburban when we went to the farm today. We don't drive a minivan or SUV, so at least there's that. My mother also held disdain for those wealthier than us, so I have never aspired to material wealth, or cared about money, and it has been very natural for me to become pioneer thrifty. Most of the time. I bought hair color and foundation at Target today, and let the girls pick out nail polish. I did, though, research both products on makeup alley first to avoid misspending.

I read things like, the environmental impact of two suburban kids in the US is like 60 kids in India or 600 in Kenya and I think, well what can I do to make my three have like, one tenth of the impact. I'm not doing an awesome job yet. Things we already do:
Drive the most efficient vehicle we can afford - a used civic
live in a small house - 800 sq ft.
use flourescent bulbs
compost
usually use reusable grocery bags
avoid processed, over packaged foods
wear clothes out
never use plastic water bottles
eat meat infrequently
try to support responsible companies
subscribe to a CSA
never go to the mall (to avoid creating desires)
plant vegetables
limit travel
bike to work in the summer

Things I want to do:
build a cob house
build a root cellar
grow my own fruits and vegetables and preserve them
have my own chickens
keep bees
build a rocket stove
use passive solar
use solar power
catch rain and use greywater
use a composting toilet
and I want a dog

I see it all clearly in my head. Chris cannot see living this way. I want to know how to survive off grid, seperate from society, not because I hate society, but because having the skill set makes me feel empowered. And I could really get into the sculptural art of cob. I can see building other people's houses for a living. There are apprenticeships for this, but not realistic for a mother, not for me, anyway. I will add it to my list of what I can look forward to when I'm 50.

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler

Claudia said, "But Mrs. Frankweiler, you should want to learn one new thing every day. We did even at the museum."
"No," I answered, "I don't agree with that. I think you should learn, of course, and some days you must learn a great deal. But you should also have days when you allow what is already in you to swell up inside of you until it touches everything. And you can feel it inside you. If you never take time out to let that happen, then you just accumulate facts, and they begin to rattle around inside of you. You can make noise with them, but never really feel anything with them. It's hollow."
E.L. Konigsburg


Today we brought Margaret cake and sang to her at the picnic table. It was so hot. I missed Gram. I thought that if no one else was there, I would crawl onto the bed where she died and lay there to be with her. Instead we put on Sponge Bob and I dozed off in the chair for a few minutes. Before we left, Margaret said how many times did she have to tell me not to wear oversized T shirts and I said I only have three shirts I like and this is the fourth day of the week. She went upstairs and she gave me a shirt and a bra from her suitcase and when I was getting in the car, ran out with a pair of purple flats, which I received a compliment on from a student as soon as I got to work. Without her, I would sink into the abyss of styleless, rational Midwestern thrift. I love my sister. I noted that she, Gram's namesake, tried to keep me neat and stylish just like Gram did.

I forgot Margaret's present, a wrapped box of TLC oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, but did bring her a kale salad to have before cake.

Awesome Kale Salad
One bunch kale
massage with sea salt...1/2 tsp?
Taste it after it has wilted from the salt and rinse it if you overdid it
Squeeze half a lemon on
Scoop out an avocado
Moosh it around.
Add about a quarter cup each of walnuts, red onions, and red pepper.
Margaret says this is a dish best served cold.

There were A LOT of power shovels in action along the highway today. It was thrilling. In addition to loving the shape and the action and the animal quality of these tools of destruction and construction, I noticed I also like the kind of men -from a distance- who work around them. Manly men. Only I would want one who is into art and music and who is sensitive to liberal politics and culture. That is Chris. and more. Chris is great. I am in love with my husband.

Margaret's Birthday Cake

best carrot cake ever.
Preheat oven to 350.
Grease and flour a bundt pan.
Beat together 4 eggs,
1/2 cup canola oil,
1/2 cup applesauce,
1 cup brown sugar,
1 cup white sugar,
3 tsp vanilla,
1/2 cup crushed pineapple (w/o juice.)
Add 2 cups flour,
2 tsp baking soda,
2 tsp baking powder,
1/2 tsp salt,
1 tsp ground cinnamon,
1 tsp pumpkin spice and mix around.
Add 3 cups carrots run on 4 through the vita mix,
1 cup shredded sweetened coconut,
and 1 cup chopped walnuts.
Bake 1 hour or till knife is cleanish.
This does not need frosting, but if you drizzled cream cheese frosting on it, I wouldn't say anything.

Today was a great day. The house was still clean from yesterday. It rained this morning so we sat on the porch and read 6 library books. The first of the rain hitting the dirt is my favorite smell ever. I relished this time. After this we picked up and did dishes. The girls are becoming ready cleaner-uppers. We cleared off the dining room table mountain and I went through my work binder that still had three semesters worth of papers in it. Just a few more piles to go, and the clothes carpet. I did two loads of laundry and threw them on the pile. What an ass. Really, though, I feel great. I'm experiencing that rare clarity where I realize it doesn't have to be perfect, I'm taking small steps forward, and it will work out after a while. Today I found the Rick Bayless tickets for last week. heh. (they'd had our name from the credit card.)

DOH! I just remembered I forgot to bring a CD due to the library today. I've had it in my purse for days now. It was awful, too - some cheesy Broadway version of Disney's Little Mermaid - all new, terrible horrible songs. I also still can't find Clifford and the Grouchy Neighbors. Serves me right if it's under the clothes carpet.


We went to our group at the park. I really enjoy this group of people and so do the girls. It is very easy to just slip right in even though we are new. Margaret met us there with v. I would really love it if they lived here. I know her work is in NYC and I can't hassle her about it, but it would be so nice if we could be weekly friends and Gracie could grow up with her cousin.

Work was cool tonight and when I came home, my MIL had bathed them. YAY! I LOVE coming home to a clean house full of clean kids. I never imagined that would be my favorite feeling as an adult.

I would like to add that I just put most of the 'feeling squashed muffins' in the freezer because nobody wanted to eat them but me.

chubby birds

today was better. We kept the house clean. We went to the bank and then grocery shopping, all four of us with dum dums. The girls read. We did not do too much; I wasn't overwhelmed. I did get too many phone calls. Maybe I will shut it off during school hours. Sarah watched the kids tonight; it was awesome. She bathed them and washed the dinner dishes. It felt great to come home and relax instead of shoveling them all into the tub right away. I may paint a rain barrel for an auction. That has inspired me for the evening. My sketch for a barrel turned into sketches for a tattoo. I can't get the design right. It involves power shovels and a chubby bird. I have a chubby bird for Eleanor and Charlotte each and want one for Gracie. I am considering including part of an abstract self portrait Chris did when we were dating and some large cherry blossoms that would reference our time in Japan and visually tie the design together. It's all about color. I have been tossing this combo around in my head for two years now and trying to wear Chris down for his blessing on a half sleeve.

feeling squashed muffins

This weekend we OD'ed on family. The extended kind that, as I get older, I can only take in small, infrequent portions. Like lactose. We got together with my mom's side two days in a row to see Grandma one day and Grampa the other. I was very crabby by the second day and only went because the kids already knew there would be a jumper. I was way out of my comfort zone at a church, in the heat, and with too many uncles around. After that, we drove out to my dad's for his birthday, which was nice. We ate at our favorite Chinese restaurant and got together with his side of the family, who I don't often see. I love Pa.

Saturday my sitter called and basicaly told me she couldn't do it anymore, a week into the semester. This stressed me out. This week my mother in law and sister in law have the girls, but that is not permanent, so I have the dreaded task of finding another sitter. The last two years they went to a different sitter each day of the week. I felt guilty about the inconsistency and felt terrible that I only saw Eleanor in passing. That was a big motivation for homeschooling this year. I heard a public service announcement on the radio today that kids who eat dinner with their parents 5 or more times a week are half as likely to smoke and do drugs as kids who eat with their parents 2 or less times a week. We never eat dinner together because of work schedules, so I am trying to make up for that during the day. I let a kid go from my class today because he came high. Because it's only the second week of school and I haven't turned the roster in, I'm wondering if I should fail him as it states in my syllabus, or just pass him off as a no-show. No show. We drew outside today and there were some thug teenagers pacing back and forth by my students and I almost called the police, but my phone was dying.

Everything I did felt like a failure today. Chris thinks this homeschooling is like a useless extension of summer vacation, and somedays it does feel like that. I considered sending Eleanor back to school today because she has been biting and kicking and hitting Charlotte and has been very out of control with her feelings. I told her she couldn't have something in the kitchen and was able to physically restrict her from getting it anyway, so she looked at me explosively and grabbed everything she could on the table and slammed it on the floor. She bit Charlotte almost to bleeding because Charlotte was looking at her funny. I asked her why she did that and she laughed. Sometimes I'm afraid she is not capable of considering other people's feelings. I tried to talk to her after I sent her to her room and she told me she isn't bad at school because she doesn't want to go to the principal's office, but at homeschool she is naughty.

We started the day with some painting and drawing and listening to classical music. Eleanor wouldn't put pants on because she said she couldn't find any. This was sort of true because of the clothes carpet- which makes me feel awful. The girls have started reading independently. Tonight I kept telling them it was time to shower but they wouldn't put their books down. So that is somewhat successful, but other than that, after the mess making, the taking care of Gracie, and cleaning up half of each mess all day, running to work for four hours, then the downer of coming back home to the mess of all those half not cleaned messes - we have done very little. There's still a lot of Cheerios on the floor.

I think I can. I have enough energy to plod along making small steps forward, but I don't have anything left to explain to Chris why unschooling isn't a terrible idea.

We started a new bedtime book this week, From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E Frankweiler. It's pretty unschooling, actually. The kids run away to stay at the Met and embark on their own research project.
Since I've started reading them chapter books to put them to sleep, about a week after Gracie was born, we've read
every Little House on the Prairie Book except the last one
Charlotte's Web
Stuart Little
A Wrinkle in Time
Charlotte's Rose
some garden prose book
where the sidewalk ends, a few times
Anne of Green Gables
The Melendy Family book of Saturdays
Pippi Longstocking (which I liked as a kid but not as an adult)
Meet Kirsten - thinking we'd get into the american girl series, but it was sort of weak

This weekend I made blueberry cobbler with a whole gallon of the organic berries we picked this summer, which I am eating now and which turn my teeth blue. And a chili from the beans and corn emptied from cans to accomodate the 'knock the cans down' carnival game we brought to the first party this weekend. And the rest of the bean salad which nobody really liked this time. I don't know why. Bad limes? And ancho chiles I toasted and pureed as inspired by Rick Bayless last week. The chili is OK. We had it again today but this time I served muffins. What didn't fit into the first baking, I added serranos from my cousin's garden, and some of the mozzarella I made for the party this weekend (that I was openly annoyed that some people would not try.) eh, whatever. This pepper cheese loaf was good, and not really hot, considering how it made my nose burn and run when I cut open the serranos.

Squash Muffins
Acquire too much patty pan from your CSA over the summer
Cut into large chunks and roast with a little olive oil, salt, and pinch sugar.
Let this sit in the fridge for a few days because nobody but you wants to eat it.
Puree this half gallon of squash in vita mix.
Add enough flour to fold into a muffin batter consistency, kind of a lot.
Add a palm each of baking powder and soda. I think.
Add a little salt and whatever was left in the sugar container - maybe scant 1/2 cup.
Mix till moistened and bake at 350 till they look done.
Realy good.

bean salad

I bought new needles but the sewing machine is broken. Tension problem? aahg. I don't know. Yesterday my MIL took Eleanor and Gracie, and Charlotte and I read books and took a bike ride and did flash cards and looked for right angles at the park and had tuna sandwiches together. On the way back to grandma's, she laid across the back seat, basking in her solitude, and declared that this had been the greatest day of her life. Next week will be Eleanor's alone turn. You know what's easier than three kids? ONE! Awesome. One kid.

Today Chris took Gracie so the girls and I could go to the library. We read books out loud together and then brought like 17 of them home, nevermind there are already four lost in the house. We always lose 13% of library books till after the due date. 13.

It was a great morning. It was sunny and I love to have Chris home. He asked me to make bean salad for him to take to work because his friend always feeds him and he never brings anything. I made tacos too and tried the oatmeal shake again. I am using ice and milk and horchata powder and oatmeal but I haven't got it right yet.

Bean Salad
2 cans black beans rinsed
2 ears sweet corn, cut from cob raw
1/2 red pepper diced small
several key limes juiced - # depends on the limes
sea salt to taste
2 cloves garlic
3 green onions or 1 palm red onion diced
1/2 cup loose pack cilantro cut small with scissors
2 jalapenos diced, use seeds and ribs of one
drizzle olive oil
one avocado diced and added last to avoid mushing

orange ninja

All the clothes are wrinkled because we keep them on our bedroom floor...like a rug - that we replenish almost daily, straight from the dryer. And there's nothing to eat that doesn't take the time commitment of a pioneer. I think I'm on it because I made a meal plan and went grocery shopping three weeks ago, but like laundry and dishes and picking up, I have to keep doing it and never stop. So I think that if I just didn't have to work, I could get it all done, but I know that's not true. Yesterday we started bread rising and I wrote the day's lesson plan (for work) and prepared lunch and dinner before we met our group at the park. Yesterday was easier because one of my two favorite shirts was clean. Today - nothing. I dug out orange courdoroys and an orange Rocket from the Crypt T shirt and looked more wrinkled than my husband...his clothes, not his skin. So I took them off and ironed them over the toilet. Of course I don't have an ironing board, but I didn't think I even had a good iron - I thought I used it on encaustic paintings. So I ironed a ridiculous orange outfit. I don't mind looking ridiculous; I just mind feeling pressured to look any way. I like being dirty and I like wild hair and coveralls and charcoal on my skin. I like to make stuff. I thought it really sucked that when I was in graduate school for art making, I had to get dressed up every day for my assistantship. Oh the pressure of an outfit. I just don't care. So after taking a long shower and just sitting on my bed trying to ignore the clothes carpet for awhile, I finally got the girls out the door and we stopped at ...walmart...for picnic food and the cashier wanted to know why the girls weren't in school and honestly believed home schooled children had to be tested quarterly to be sure they were up to snuff. What snuff? I did not ask her just when it was that we collectively decided that the state knew better what to teach our children than we as parents did. Or why people, like her, wouldn't give parents who would sacrifice their second income and the free babysitting of public school a little more credit for doing their very best. Why do they automatically fear that we won't be doing as well as the schools?
So today we went to a historical park. It was a gorgeous day. They climbed the tanks and Eleanor almost immediately ripped the butt of her shorts. I sewed it back together with a yarn and very large needle from the most lovely mother and daughter in our group, while Eleanor wriggled and whined and passed gas in my face. After some more time climbing tanks, they got bold with a shallow muddy creek. At some point, I began to perceive it as too wild and muddy for a public place that we would have to get into cars afterward to leave and then rush on to work. So I told her she had to get out but she was really on fire and I took her by the shoulder and told her to look at me and she wouldn't and I squeezed her shoulder and she threw mud on my pants. My ridiculous orange pants that were all I could find - you know they were if I bothered to iron them - that I had to wear to work. I told her we had to leave now, which was about a half hour early. She contested, but it was easier to leave than yesterday, which was our first outing day that we couldn't linger forever because I had to get to work. I felt so mad at her for intentionally slinging mud at me and when we got to the car, she started to smear it on the windows and I told her stop and she just kept on going. She said she wanted to go through the carwash. Then she hung her shoe by the hanger hook on the ceiling of the car and when I asked her to take it down, she smeared it across the ceiling on the way off. I was fuming. (I know, didn't I just say 5 minutes ago that I like to be dirty?) Then she told me she wants to go back to school. I told her she could, but she couldn't switch back and forth, so she should think about it very hard and wait till after Christmas. Sometimes I don't know if we will survive each other. I think it's because I am her. There's a time for everything, a time to be dirty, and a time to clean up. I guess Eleanor and I are both learning to come to terms with cleaning up.

In this evening's news, I finally met one of the people from the tiny theatre near where I draw outside with my students and she invited us to hang some work in the lobby and see the new show. I told her my first love was being in plays and she said come on down. I said yeah, with my three kids and my job and then I looked at her and said, but you've all got three kids and a job, don't you and she said two jobs. And I said I will come down. And as it settled into my brain over the next hour, I thought about how some things you are just meant to do, even if obstacles in your life can seem to make these old dreams impossible. They just happen in a different order and a different place than you imagined they would. Not only is everything going to be OK, it is and will be enchanted. And I will act again, and make art again and take a trip around the world. AND I get to have three daughters. A time for everything.

I heart Rick Bayless

Chris reorganized the photos and I can't figure it out, but I resurrected this gem circa 2003, Japan.

Friday night was the big event. It went off fine and we had a good turnout. Halfway through the night I had had too much - I was bartending: one for you, one for me... I have no self control after 2 drinks. Chris came to scrape me up at 11 and was mad at how obnoxious I'd gotten. I felt embarrassed the next day, remembering social faux pas' I'd made. At some point I noticed my dean through my own haze and hoped she wouldn't recognize me with the pink hair so that I wouldn't be reprimanded for pink hair. I had an awful hangover.

On Saturday we saw Rick Bayless do a cooking demonstration. I heart Rick Bayless!

It was my niece's birthday and my sister was out of town. We had cake. I wanted to cry for my sister - and then I forgot to call her.

Today was the first day of class. My babysitting got f-ed up at the last minute but all's well that ends well. And it's a good class of kids. Phew.

The biggest challenge now is staying in the present while homeschooling and compartmentalizing my worries about work. We got excited about Geography today and worked on plans for a trip around the world. Eleanor would like to start in Alaska. I suggested this Green Tortoise tour and she squealed in agreement.

We also experimented with a recipe for moss painting, inspired by this.

quinoa

Bookbinding for children does not have to end at staples.

...We didn't even make books today; that video just makes me want to dance.

Instead we made quinoa salad!
Boil 4 cups water.
Add 2 cups quinoa, boil 10-12 minutes till water is absorbed.
Fluff, cover, and let alone for 15 minutes.
While this sits, cut up 2 small cucumbers - diced small
Dice fresh tomatoes to roughly equal amount of cucumber
Squeeze one lemon and crush two cloves of garlic.
Drizzle olive oil (2 T or so)
Add cooled quinoa and sea salt to taste.
Eat at room temperature.
Delicious!

Today was a dishes and laundry day. Eleanor had her first drama class. I colored my hair pink and then spent twice as much as I was supposed to on cheese and wine for the gallery opening tomorrow. I hope I can be reimbursed. It's OK, because as fairly ridiculous as I look, Charlotte told me,"Your hair looks nice, Mommy. You look more hip."

organic car picnic

Today we met our group at the arboretum. The girls occupied themselves intensely, building a dam, which they are standing on in the picture. Little engineers. After four hours of play here, we went to the store to pick up a leotard, rubber gloves, and granola bars, bananas and yogurt for a car picnic on the way to dance class. Charlotte said class was great. We had watched Shirley Temple clips to get back in the mood, the other day.


The gloves are to color my hair, but by the time the girls go to bed each night, I'm so tired I puss out. I run out of energy to express myself as a non-conformist after about 8. I have dishes and laundry to do.

Speaking of tiny houses,

hot hot pink

I just don't feel like cooperating. With pompous conservatives, with an inferior school system, with the suburban model. How much of our lives are spent deciding and then suffering the consequences of choices based on how best to fit into an already flawed algorithm? I want to remove my decision-making from the realm of - what job would best cover the expenses of living in the suburbs, closest to where we already live- and zoom out to - what is right? based on everything I've ever felt, learned, known, realized, researched, read?

WATCH THIS!
It's a video called the story of stuff, which explains consumerism and why we need to think harder about what we're doing. It's so well done and accessible. Eleanor and I watched it together and she said oh, so that's why you don't want to buy me toys. Chris pointed out a video he liked called the miniature earth. I think the story of stuff really explains just why the world's wealth is so lop-sided, as is brought up in this second video.

I am interested in this but Chris is NOT.

I think a lot about "do the duty nearest thee" and "be the change you want to see in the world" and I stay where I am and try to make this place better. Many of my kindred spirits from youth moved to Chicago, New York and the West Coast looking and maybe even finding a better place to be. Eventually I made it to Japan, and in some ways it WAS a better place to be, but I still feel a responsibility to improve my hometown. This feeling gets me into trouble like this volunteer job, on more manic days when I think I can do it all, but I'd like to think that, even on a bad day, my presence here at least doesn't contribute to the Midwestern exodus of cool. Besides, I like it here.

Today we met with our homeschooling group at a greenhouse. The girls had a great time again playing outside with the other kids. When we first got there, we drove around the woods in circles, on a one way road, lost again, looking for our group. Everything was so green and the light was beautiful; the girls stuck their heads out the windows like dogs. It felt like vacation. I have scaled back on the no TV rule. Sid the Science Kid and Word Girl are good shows and good for a break. What is the zen of homeschooling? I think I'm getting there. Feel pretty good after a dayful of sunshine. Might even dye my hair tonight.

trudge

Today I'm a little stressed out about a volunteer job I took on before I started homeschooling. I'm playing gallery director for an event that is to kick off our community using the arts as an economic generator. I was very enthusiastic for this effort in the last three years and my teaching position directly contributes to this, but I just don't care at all right now. I don't want anything causing me this kind of anxiety while I am trying to adjust to -homeschooling/present and focused parent- mode. I really don't think the arts are as welcome here as some might think. There is an almost total dearth of creativity - perhaps even a disdain for the actual creative - in the group trying to attract the arts here. It's about money and it's going to fail - for now, at least. There is nothing for an artist here. There used to be cheap rents, but not anymore.

My fantasies all revolve around going rural.

My creative energies lay now in an obsession over hand built homes, cob , garden fences made of colorful scrap wood, permaculture, homesteading, and maybe the possibility of creating blown glass garden art for sale. I don't know. Glass blowing classes and equipment are pretty expensive. I've always been drawn to it and it's always been too expensive.

There was a weird moment today when Eleanor was out in the rain in her winter coat and snow boots, wandering along the curb and I came out, dirty pink sweatpants, baby on hip, and told her to get back inside. I was afraid that if people saw her moseying around during school hours, they would call the truancy police. It seemed like crazy talk in my head, but what we are doing is very controversial around here, most anywhere, I guess. I felt bad and then later I let them play in the rain in the backyard. I just don't want any trouble. I feel confident about our decision to unschool. A woman in our group posted this article which boosted my confidence even more.

Later we drove across town to pick tomatoes and carrots in the rain, then made some everything we have soup and the best french bread we've made yet - from this recipe - I would add a 1/4 tsp salt. Even Gracie was a good kneader. I also made more oatmeal cookies for Chris. I at least feel like less of a douche if I can muster together some good food for the family - even if I feel bad because I'm distracted/anxious and am afraid of being attacked for unschooling.

My sister left today. I will miss her.

everything we had soup
drizzle olive oil in a huge pot
tossed in one onion, maybe 2 cups baby carrots, sliced
then a pepper that was red and yellow and green, diced
then a small stalk of celery, a Japanese eggplant, a yellow squash, and a zucchini, all cut small
stir this all around while you keep preparing vegetables
then I quartered about 20 tomatoes, 5 at a time, and processed them in the vita-mix
one of those batches got a whole bulb of garlic, paper and all. pour all that in
I blended another zucchini, and then fresh basil and parsley, all with water, and poured that in too.
I also blended the profuse amount of celery greens (from my CSA, and unlike any celery I'd seen before) and I regret adding that. Maybe a handful would've been OK, but this was like 4 packed cups and now it should just be called celery soup.
Cut in kernels of three ears of sweet corn
Toss in three handfuls of red lentils.
Sea salt to taste
I also added two heavy pinches of sugar to balance some of the bitter celery.
Boil this down for a few hours.
Very nice with the fresh bread.
Now all I have left to contend with is the patty pan squash.

cranky

Last night I had a semi-annual dinner out with my cousins and drank half a pitcher of delicious margaritas. Today I feel sluggish and cranky. I'm even cranky about using the word sluggish just now. So at my niece's birthday party today, I had a couple glasses of wine and now I'm really cranky. I periodically decide to teetotal, and then I semiannually forget. Getting a couple of drinks in me is like putting a quarter in the crazy machine. I don't mean at the time, necessarily- I'm pretty jovial. It's the days after that, the half life of alcohol, or something. Like a food allergy. Sadly, I've also noticed in the last year that after drinking a milkshake, the number one food I used to want intraveinously, I get a stomach ache. I did not cook anything today, but I did buy my niece a Dora that smells like cotton candy.

home

Today it rained almost all day, the sort of cool drizzle that beckons you onto the front porch with hot tea. The green smelling breeze would sometimes wander in through the kitchen window and sometimes I could feel the hot heavy sauce breathe out. I was probably like a McDonald's venting my fry smell. I was so happy to just BE today, be at home, not leave, be present with the girls. They ran around outside between drops for awhile, all in matching striped hoodies. I heaved with the sense that these are the golden days. Charlotte loves to climb to the top of the doorways and today Gracie was squealing, trying to imitate her, but her armspan doesn't even reach across the doorway. So she grasped onto one side and got her chunky arms and legs at least 6 inches off the ground. I cheered and she decided that was good enough. While Charlotte played games with "Sophie Learns Spanish," Eleanor and I finally worked on her electricity kit. I don't know why I thought it would be hard. It was great; I learned, too. After a very satisfying spaghetti dinner, the girls washed all the dishes (Yay! My dishes fairies have finally bloomed!) and then I dragged up boxes of fabric that haven't been looked at since grad school. They stunk, but Charlotte enveloped herself in them anyway and reveled in their coziness. She uses opportunities like this almost hourly to put her cheek against mine and tell me how much she loves me. She is the most loving, thoughtful, and sensitive child I have ever known. They both began crazy quilts, ravaging through fabrics and old clothes, producing tiny shapes maybe too crazy even for crazy quilts. I discovered the sewing machine needle was mysteriously broken, so we sewed by hand. They each have a little freezer bag with a quilt the size of their hands so far and some scraps salvaged from Gracie's jealous tirade over the puzzles the girls were creating for themselves. We're nearly finished with our current bedtime book, Charlotte's Rose, which I chose because Charlotte's middle name is Rose. It's about a young Mormon girl who cares for an infant on the Oregon trail. They are starving right now. Not me. I am forcing more oat bran on Chris. He doesn't like the sort of eclectic, vegetable heavy business that I like so I created a delicious chocolate chip cookie for him. They're awesome. F-ing awesome little cholesterol sponges. I am licking my fingers to get enough of them (fingers) to type - between batches.

1 1/2 cup oatmeal and
1 1/2 cup oat bran in vita mix at 10 for 30 seconds
1 tsp sea salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 3/4 cup (I think...I measured with my hand) brown sugar
mix this all
add
4 egg whites
1/2 cup smart balance vegetable oil
maybe 3 tsp of vanilla
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chips (even less would be OK)
2 cups chopped walnuts (these have also been shown to lower LDL's)
mix - I sprinkled a little extra oat bran on because mine was a little wet

Drop by small spoonfuls and bake for 9 1/2 minutes at 350

The Bike Ride

This morning I made oat bran muffins to force on Chris' LDL's and then black bean salad, using some of the beans I cooked all day yesterday. Then I spent a half hour putting together a piece of shit bead loom that turned out to include needles that did not fit the beads included. The brand is "creative Kids." Save your $5.99. Next we managed to get dressed and even out the door. Yesterday we tried to meet the unschooling group at a park but no one was there and we waited a while and then left, which was OK because then we just did something with my sister and niece who are in from out of town. It was so hot we just went Chuck E Cheese. We came back our way to stop at the farm to pick up our CSA at peak traffic, so I indulged in a stop at a Hobby Lobby along the way to pick up said Bead Loom, some clay, and a game of jacks. I really just wanted to get them some origami paper, but it was $5.99 which felt like a slap in the face. I refuse. In Japan, they sell the same stuff at the dollar store. Yeah, I understand this isn't Japan, but I will cut printer paper into squares before I pay a 500% mark up. My cell phone had died that afternoon, and as I crossed a hot parking lot, blissfully alone, to pick up Starbucks for my sister and I to drink at Chuck E Cheese's, I felt the marked absence of my usual dull anxiety and was reminded of the peace I had (sometimes) in Japan. I think mostly because I was alone and no one could get a hold of me, even if it was only in a parking lot for five minutes. These moments matter. So I thought about simplifying life through less talking and I also realized that just because we can go somewhere with our flexible schedule as homeschoolers, doesn't mean we should. We spent almost 4 hours in the car yesterday. Lesson learned. (And of course we've been drive-thru free since last week's lesson.)

meditative paring down



My favorite site right now is tinyhouseblog I am obsessed with these. The tiny houses that keep me up at night are at once pioneer spirit, clever Japanese dual purpose design, environmentally sustainable, voluntarily simple, and best of all, possible on a budget. I am working on a design for my family. I really do work it all out in my head while I'm laying in bed.

So after the bead loom, the girls and I met a new unschooling group for a bike ride. When we got home, we wrote a book about it called, The Bike Ride. Charlotte couldn't keep up with the group on the trail and we ended up getting lost, which I realized with alarm when we passed the same observation deck for a third time. Unfortunately Eleanor noticed this too and that was more information than Charlotte could handle. I can barely believe we're not still there. When I was a kid we had a lazy shitzu who would sit when you walked her, really dig her heels in and then twist her neck so the leash popped off. That's Charlotte, (in her defense, the bike is a piece of crap) but with a lot of sobbing. Sobbing that led her to not pay attention and run into a thorn bush and that had her stopped in just the right spot for a good sized snake to slither up to her. It was so dramatic with the snake and the sobbing and the thorn scratches and skies looking ready to heave, I just had to laugh. I told them we should write a story about it when we got home. When we finally got back to the car, I nearly gave myself a black eye trying to get little bikes on a big bike rack and for the first time all day felt a twinge like crying, but we made it to the picnic. Naturally everyone was finished eating and then Eleanor was stung by a bee and was alarmingly loud about it. It was really a beautiful day, though. It was the first cool day we've had, my favorite weather, overcast and 60, with falling leaves. just a few. I love those woods and I'm so pleased to have met such a nice group to share them with.

The girls were so thrilled with their book, illustrating it, putting the pages in order, reading it out loud after finishing. I have given up on the journal requirement. I am still hanging on to the no TV on weekdays rule, though. I was trying to tell someone today that unschooling, in my mind, is like the spaceship in Contact, where the more highly evolved beings have sent a perfect design and the NASA guys insist on adding a seat with safety straps that nearly kills poor Jodie Foster when the ship's perfect and simple sphere design shakes loose the extra seat. I see the school system as this attempt at safety and the natural learning process like the obvious sphere. Obviously. I don't think we need a name anymore. I won't force piano lessons and overzealous field trip schedules on them anymore (...in my mind. I never got that far anyway.)

It is 11:42 and I am making the spaghetti sauce from Barbara Kingsolver's book, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. It smells amazing. I finally collected 30 lbs of garden tomatoes... maybe too many, even. I planned on canning, but I already screwed up the pH... I made meatball ...dough... too, but I just don't have it in me to cook them up tonight.

2 lbs grass fed ground beef
1 lb ground pastured pork
1/4 liverwurst
1 bulb garlic, crushed
1 cup kind of packed fresh parsley
4 T onion powder
1 1/2 cup oat bran
4 eggs
salt and pepper

Roll them into little balls, drop them dry onto a hot skillet for a few minutes, then into the sauce for a couple hours.