Chris joined us at an apple orchard this morning before he went to work. We picked rasberries and bought cider and raw honey (they say local raw honey can help allergies - and its delicious) but skipped the apples for today. The girls and I are going again with Grandma on Sunday.
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Debate's over. House is messy because I ignored kids to watch TV. I'm really tired but I guess I had just enough energy to color my hair. I tried to leave just the bottom part behind my ears pink, but I ran out of color, so now all the ends are still pink. We'll see how that turns out. douchebag. Maybe instead of sitting in my underwear with saran wrap on my head at the computer, I could chip away at the clothes carpet. Might have a party tomorrow.
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I'm back. There are three books on my 'to read' list. You Are Here, The World is Flat, and, in looking for this last one, The World Without Us , I stumbled on the Voluntary Human Exinction Movement and I'm feeling kinda bummed out now, feeling guilty for having three kids. I knew about zero population growth in high school and after we had two kids, I declared to Chris that we were done, regardless of how he felt. After a year I started to plead with him for one more. Why did I want a third child? Try for a boy - yeah, I guess that is sexist. And I love having all girls now. Feeling guilty for telling Chris we were done and thinking he wanted one. At some point missed having a baby. I wanted to do one right, now that I knew how and didn't have two babies at once. Definitely wanted a big family party atmosphere feel. I grew up as one of four and my mom was one of ten and all the cousins and the big family were so valuable to me, to us. My mom was also disdainful toward non-parents. The more Chris said no, the more I needed to have one more. When I finshed grad school and the pressure that had pushed me into an obsessive compulsive madness was over, I felt I had two choices: be an artist who has kids, or be a mom who makes art. I felt like having another child would seal the latter and force my hand to be the mom I had been too distracted to be. When I was pregnant, I felt guilty and was afraid I had made a mistake. Of course Gracie is a delight, even though I wanted to name her Pearl and for the third and final time Chris bulldozed my names. Wanting to do the right thing, I bought cloth diapers and sewed my own wipes and read up on elimination communication, but I also taught class before she was a week old - no time off for adjuncts who are too broke to take the whole semester off - and always desperately piecing together a hodge podge schedule of babysitters - no woman already doing me the favor of watching now three, was going to use cloth diapers. So that didn't last long. Even the people closest to me gave me so much flack for that. My only advice to new mothers: Fuck all that advice you didn't ask for. Isn't everyone just an expert when you have a baby? So, we have three kids now. I felt painfully suburban when we went to the farm today. We don't drive a minivan or SUV, so at least there's that. My mother also held disdain for those wealthier than us, so I have never aspired to material wealth, or cared about money, and it has been very natural for me to become pioneer thrifty. Most of the time. I bought hair color and foundation at Target today, and let the girls pick out nail polish. I did, though, research both products on makeup alley first to avoid misspending.
I read things like, the environmental impact of two suburban kids in the US is like 60 kids in India or 600 in Kenya and I think, well what can I do to make my three have like, one tenth of the impact. I'm not doing an awesome job yet. Things we already do:
Drive the most efficient vehicle we can afford - a used civic
live in a small house - 800 sq ft.
use flourescent bulbs
compost
usually use reusable grocery bags
avoid processed, over packaged foods
wear clothes out
never use plastic water bottles
eat meat infrequently
try to support responsible companies
subscribe to a CSA
never go to the mall (to avoid creating desires)
plant vegetables
limit travel
bike to work in the summer
Things I want to do:
build a cob house
build a root cellar
grow my own fruits and vegetables and preserve them
have my own chickens
keep bees
build a rocket stove
use passive solar
use solar power
catch rain and use greywater
use a composting toilet
and I want a dog
I see it all clearly in my head. Chris cannot see living this way. I want to know how to survive off grid, seperate from society, not because I hate society, but because having the skill set makes me feel empowered. And I could really get into the sculptural art of cob. I can see building other people's houses for a living. There are apprenticeships for this, but not realistic for a mother, not for me, anyway. I will add it to my list of what I can look forward to when I'm 50.
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