12 bird paintings finished after ten hours yesterday. I'm satisfied. 18 more to finish by thursday.

Very happy with second grade. Charlotte is advanced in everything and feels a sense of success and companionship. her teacher is really cool.

Unhappier and unhappier with fourth grade. Eleanor was given a math test on material she doesn't know at all after three days. The kid next to her made fun of the big F on her paper. This lady doesn't appear to be interested in smoothing the transition for Eleanor (who came home and sobbed about the F and the teasing.) I am scrambling to help her learn her multiplication/division facts to catch up but she feels really pressured. She begged a return to homeschooling, but Chris says we must finish this experimental year. I hope her teacher doesn't turn out to do more damage than good. I don't trust her.

OK. I just deleted one huge thing (homeschooling) and one small...ish thing (planning a school) from my plate. I feel relieved. Eleanor experienced social drama on day 1 when two groups of girls fought over her. And she is behind in math and writing but ahead in reading. but overall...so far, OK. Her teacher really seems to be nothing special. I bore witness to her annoyance at receiving another new student without notice. The primary function of school so far seems to be to stimulate Eleanor's competitive nature and force a schedule on her/us. I was not good at enforcing a schedule and I think they need one. Charlotte will start Monday and her teacher seems really cool.

OK. now I'm depressed. feeling the loss of a 2 1/2 year project that meant the world to me. the loss of what became in a way a self-identity. the loss of a group membership that I really enjoyed.

don't want to cry in front of Chris for fear he'll misunderstand and think I'm flip-flopping.

I'm just sitting here, wondering if I should paint for the show, make meatballs, or do crusty dishes. Instead my nose is starting to run and I don't even have the get up and go to wipe it. let alone wash dishes.

Chris and I discussed it conclusively this morning and, at this point, the best choice really is to send them to school for now. it feels like a failure but I guess the real failure would be to refuse to change as needed.

Its just all happening so fast.

Oh my god what am I doing Eleanor goes to school tomorrow

So, it looks like school. Our tour went well. The girls are very excited and my throw up feeling has passed. Naturally, the first order of business was to order them really cool lunch accessories. We have been talking a lot lately about creating as little garbage as possible, so high quality lunch storage that will last for years is important.

fall meal plan:

sunday: rotisserie chicken, potato, vegetable (grocery shop and start tomorrow's soup)

monday: chicken soup and fresh bread

tuesday: tacos

wednesday: stir fry, rice

thursday: spaghetti

friday: homemade pizzas (bake crusts and tomorrow's buns)

saturday: pulled pork (or burgers, dogs), baked beans, cole slaw

so today I made shrimp "ceviche" on tostadas - SO GOOD.

Mix:

1# salad shrimp, rinsed to thaw

juice of 2 limes

1/2 tsp salt

3 cloves garlic crushed

1 or two avocados diced

2 tomatoes diced

about 3T red onion minced

about 1/2 cup cilantro chopped

let mingle in fridge up to 30 minutes, pile onto 3 tostadas. this was delicious w/o a side dish.

tonight I'll start the sauce and meatballs for Thursday's spaghetti and make enough for a month.

In other news, because our schedules are changing, because the kids want to, and because I think I may have over-villified the school system - at least at the elementary level, ... we are considering sending the kids back to school. I'm coming to see that both ways can be successful as long as the parents are active in the educational process. This confused my husband at first, but he could see there were lots of little reasons piling up to this. It isn't because I can't handle them - dumping kids at school for discipline is a disaster. I love my kids and I want to serve them the best way I can, even if that is different from my original opinion. I love homeschooling and I love being with them all day, but with all I have to get done, some of their time each day may be better spent at school. The truth is, over time, I have not been as consistent with my good intentions for homeschooling as I would call successful. They are fine academically and their self confidence is wonderful (which I'm still worried about as far as going back to school is concerned) but school would offer them structure and stimulation that I am inconsistent with. I have to work, I have to paint, and its really hard to juggle those two jobs, keeping house, raising children, and educating them all at once. Do I always have to do everything the hard way? Besides, if they don't like it, they can come back home. But they want to go. And if they become depressed later because school is so awful, they can come back home. We'll see how it goes.

This is the carpet for me. Yes yes yes. overdyed is the latest trend is rugs you say? fantastic. i'm all for it. This rug is 14 thousand dollars. what? I'm thinking about pulling a persian style rug out of someone's garbage, bleaching it, and dying it flaming orange. The weather is oddly nice enough to still comfortably involve the hose.

took the kids to the symphony this weekend. Funny how a one hour concert becomes an eight hour adventure on the train. fun. exhausting. pictures when I figure out how to get them from my phone.

I painted my dad's house this weekend. looks good. between his gratitude and some pre-sales from friends, my paint and panels will arrive today. I feel like I've been revving my engines at the starting line and I can hardly wait to get started painting. I picture more of baby blue Disney car, contorted into a sort of a yoga cat pose. I see it in slow motion: that today it gets to stretch out and sprint.

clouds of dust.

I am so into this album right now.

survey: is it worth it to road trip to the panhandle for Thanksgiving with 3 kids in the back of a compact?

why we homeschool (while my anxiety level creeps up, I drink tea and listen to the Amelie soundtrack, kids bicker and scream alternately in pain and glee and I think, what's wrong with the public school again?)

Its not that the particular school is so bad, as that the idea of a one-size fits all education is stifling. Its the way young kids learn there that its them against the adults and the way so many of them won't look you in the eye. Their learned shyness. Their misconceptions about the importance of fitting into an available group. I don't believe in teaching to the test. I don't like the lord of the flies social structure that everyone knows secretly thrives behind the teachers' backs. It takes years for some people to get over the bullying they experience in school. Always proving themselves beyond the point where they can be happy, proving to people they don't know anymore, how great they are now. Some teachers try really hard and are wonderful at their jobs, but so many shouldn't be teaching anymore or at all or only can understand the sort of school-loving type of learner that they were as kids. Sometimes the teacher is the bully. I can't leave it up to such a bureaucratic institution to get my particular child in a good class. Sometimes the material is watered down to make it possible to feed to so many kids at once. Sometimes the material is so arbitrary or abstract that its just beating a love for learning out of the kids and boring them to death. At home, we can be hands-on all day. At school, that's too hard with the number of kids. How much of childhood obesity has to do with making them sit still at desks and computers all day, organizing their running around time into sports that only some of them like, and boring them or working them to tears so that when they come home they just crash in front of the TV instead of play or go off to discover? Stress is unhealthy for us and its wrong to stress our kids beyond what they can handle in order to meet these fairly arbitrary standards. Everybody's different; of course they learn at different rates and have different interests. What justifies a boy having suicidal thoughts because he's failing algebra when he will NEVER need algebra in his chosen field? We can't treat them like adults and make demands of them as such because they're not adults. Expecting your children to behave like adults is the number one cause of child abuse. School as it is now asks for children to behave too much like adults. The rush to learn certain things by a certain time is invented. Kids need to play and discover and preserve their innate love for learning. These become passionate adults that can move their choice of mountain. I make my kids study the 3 R's right now, but the extent to which a well-rounded education is forced on kids in schools can do more harm than good. I don't remember where I read this, but children are not vessels to be filled, but flowers we help to bloom. They have what they need already, they just need to be nurtured.

Mine aren't screaming anymore and I remember again why I don't send them to the state-mandated free babysitting down the street.

inexpensive cozy pleasures:

lipton tea, black. really cheap.

homemade bread.

Boil 3 cups water.

our into 1.5 cups assorted grains and seeds (I use amaranth, millet, flax, sunflower, sesame)

wait till just warm and add 2T of honey, stir and

add 4tsp yeast. wait till foamy. about 10 minutes.

add 1.5 cup whole wheat flour,

2T oil,

4 T honey,

3 tsp salt. Stir and wait till bubbly, about 15 minutes.

Add 5.5 cups bread flour. Stir well.

Cover and let sit 1 hour.

Punch down and divide into 2 loaves.

Let sit 45 minutes.

Bake 30 minutes at 375.

(from Amy)

Chicken Soup.

2 # chicken legs. about a dollar at the Mexican grocery.

1# carrots, dollar

1/2 a celery, dollar

2 onions, 25 cents

Fill big pot halfway with water, add salt and some vinegar, like 2T, and bay leaves.

Add raw chicken and let cook on low for at least 24 hours.

Add chopped vegetables and let cook another 12 on low.

Remove chicken and add parsley bouquet from garden.

Take meat from skin and bones. You know you did it right if the bones crumble between your fingers. Give these very soft bits to the dog.

Put the chicken back in the pot, take out the parsley.

All done. Serve with the bread and the tea.

Eat more bread later, with tea and lots of butter.

Try not to eat any more of the kids' fun size snickers bars.

handed in 2 paintings for faculty show today. paintings are just OK. of course its a sizable undertaking just to drop these off with my entourage, in the rain, from a distant parking spot. the other guy's work was better.

really want to keep painting but I don't have any substrates (boards) or money. My friend brought me groceries with her link card and I was so humbled and grateful. Hoping to make a few dozen small paintings to sell. Have 3 weeks.

its all good.