today was lovely

I went out back to dump some kitchen scraps behind the garage at 9, bent down to grab a weed, and didn't stop weeding till almost noon. That's one way to get out of dishes. I finished the whole bed, which had dense roots of some kind of groundcover from when I totally ignored the area last year. This also included a small tree that I am proud of removing with only a spade. I might even take a picture of it tomorrow, I am so pleased with myself for getting it out after 30 minutes. Tomorrow: we plant corn! Three mounds of three sisters for my three daughters.

We met friends at the park for a few hours and had a wonderful, sunny time. On the way to work, we swung by Farm and Fleet and Menard's, AND the bank and we are all set for some mad gardening tomorrow.

Also in queue for tomorrow, cleaning out the car. Empty pizza box, 240 lbs of manure, 30 lbs of bird seed, 60 ft of chicken wire, 6 cu ft of peat moss, the detritus of at least 3 fast food meals for four, used tupperware, half eaten apples, 2 dozen my little ponies and their hairbrushes, several naked cabbage patch dolls, a few jackets, a trash bag of clothes and toys put into the trunk before Christmas for the thrift store but now without the bag, and hopefully 2 lost library books.

"hang in there!"

you know, like the kitten posters?
I took the kids rock climbing today. We had ice cream afterwards at McDonald's with our friends. We also bought fencing and peat moss for the garden. I took them to Whole Foods and bought some soaps, but the food was so expensive I just took them to McDonald's for happy meals. That's right. Twice in one day. Tomorrow: quinoa for everyone!

I am an asshole

The first thing I did this morning (other than nurse Gracie) was give Eleanor a careful manicure.

Tonight I yelled with such rage at Eleanor that I made her cry in terror. My throat hurts now and I have a headache. I am totally drained and have just cracked open a corona. Our evening started well. I had written the title of their TV movie a few blank pages into their workbooks as an incentive to finish these pages while the sitter's daughter did her homework. They did extra pages even and we came home to watch their (ridiculous - Mostly Ghostly) movie. I asked them to get their pajamas on and brush their teeth and Eleanor simply wouldn't. After some point, I tossed a softcover book at her back to get her attention/because I was getting mad, and between bad aim and Eleanor shifting, I hit Charlotte in the face and she screamed for a long two minutes. I held her, feeling very sorry and guilty, and getting angrier at Eleanor as she accused me, with growing intensity, how I had hit Charlotte on purpose. I felt like Ursula the sea witch in the Little Mermaid when she tries to kill Prince Eric and misses and kills her precious eels by mistake. Eleanor then smooshed a tiny pansy seedling mindlessly between her thumb and forefinger as she yelled at me: that was the last straw. I got up and backed her into her room by the sheer sonic turbulence of my voice. I didn't even care that I scared her. I don't know how to get her to listen. She does not listen. I made her brush her teeth last night and watched her. She spit blood into the sink and I asked how long it had been since she brushed. "A week?" I thought she did it every night before bed when I told her. She doesn't do anything I say.

I ate the kids' Halloween candy today when I thought they weren't looking. Chris doesn't believe me that I can't handle having it in the house. I planned to go the gym today to quit - to save the money - but instead worked out and even had the nerve to hit the heavy bag (I have always been too self-conscious.) I pounded on the Easter candy-eating loser version of my self and bruised my hands. It felt good though. I could box.

When Gracie is playing with dolls and talking to herself, and runs out of words, her filler is "juck juck joo" which means chugga chugga choo choo.

Today I committed to teaching both classes again fall semester.

I made fermented oatmeal and orange juice with cod liver oil for breakfast, chicken miso soup with chips and bean dip for lunch, and Eleanor's jello for tea.

school of magic rocks

yesterday we went to a spot where I saw morels last year but no luck.  We had a nice Easter.  I bought the girls a top (used instead of easter grass) and a webkinz and three pieces of candy each.  We still ended the weekend with a full paper grocery bag of candy.  Both Eleanor and Charlotte wanted to throw up yesterday.  ...maybe I will take it all to school for my students to eat.

Last night I tore down the dusty xmas lights that have hung from our bedroom ceiling for several years and maniacally hung clothes that were laying on the floor.

Today was a good day for bumblebee elementary.  For breakfast we had a salad of pineapple, bananas, mango, and oranges.  We measured with rulers and measuring cups, and observed and took scientific notes on a magic rocks kit.  We threw out the silly picture of divers included in the kit and used a picture of Chris.

   We noted that manganese chloride (pink) grew the fastest and tallest.  The girls tried to make suncatchers with the little crystals you melt in the oven, but they kept coming out of the frame.  (There was crying.)  We had chicken stir fry and milk for lunch.  I put Gracie down for a nap, then did some dishes.  The girls did quiz-a-maze, then took turns reading aloud from a book about the life cycle of beans.  It rained all day, so they put music on and danced for a little exercise.  Charlotte videotaped herself dancing.  I took photos of tiny power shovels in the seedlings for an upcoming art show.
 Eleanor made jello by herself.  We had tea at three, with apples and pistachio pudding, then I read them a book about catching fairies.  We are starting with a new sitter today which allows me an extra hour before school and another half hour or so after because she is much closer.  

We have been reading A Wind in the Door by Madeline L'Engle at bedtime.  

I have two more shows this year and am going to apply to third.  Maybe more.  One show will be a video installation, by request, which is what I was doing by the end of grad school.  I am thinking about charcoal and collage stop animation.  

food post

I woke up at 6 this morning to do the dishes.  I was so tired last night while putting the girls to bed that I just wanted to crawl in bed myself, but I went into the kitchen and made chicken stock from a whole chicken I had from the co-op, then ground oat groats for morning oatmeal and soaked them in water and whey, and collected said whey and cream cheese from the oven where I set them to drip before work.  I also have some yogurt brewing, sunflower seeds sprouting, made a mung bean sprout salad yesterday (note to self - never put spirulina on a salad again), and made essene bread from sprouted wheat the other day.  I read that sprouting grains and seeds quintuples their nutrients and them more digestible.  

My oatmeal is awesome.  I boiled it up this morning and added some cultured butter, raw honey, cinnamon and sea salt.  Not sour enough - so threw in some of that yogurt cream cheese.  Also having a little orange juice with a tsp of lemon flavored, high vitamin D cod liver oil in it.  I made the girls each have a little glass like this yesterday and they loved it.  Gracie wanted more.  

I spent $120 on groceries at three different stores yesterday, girls in tow of course, -made possible by Pa sending us a check for $150 for Easter (which made me cry.)  This included a $23 bottle of cod liver oil.  

One of my students brought his turntables to school last night and taught me to scratch.  

For lunch today, coconut chicken soup, high enzyme salad, and essene crackers, tomorrow - chicken stir fry.  

juck juck joo

Eleanor enjoys giving puppet shows. Audience members are required to pay attention.

Gracie turned 2. I am love with her. I made her a choo choo cake as she requested.

Chris bought her a cabbage patch doll. She loved it.


I am trying to make a Weston Price meal plan. Overwhelming. I looked up high vitamin butter oil supplements- up to $60 for 8oz. Red flag.

My latest idea is to not return to my teaching job in the fall and instead care for one baby/child aka home daycare. I make 6 dollars an hour after taxes, childcare, transportation and prep time. I need a masters degree for this job. I don't think graduate school changed my income potential. I regret taking out loans.

Charlotte finished a workbook today for the first time in the history of Bumblebee Elementary. She has earned a party. She squealed. She requested a cake with a workbook on it. Also, she engaged me in teaching her how to tell time today.

This weekend we moved the whole soils-on-cardboard-garden two feet over. Sisyphean. I hadn't made room for a fence. The cardboard and grass were really interesting and made me think of viewing farmland from a plane. Microfarm.


The most important job I have right now is to cook healthy food for my family and maintain a calm (so by necessity, clean) and happy home. We have put these tasks aside as secondary, but I am starting to understand that they are EVERYthing. I was raised and educated a feminist, which may be why it took me so long to get it, but which does not oppose, how important cooking and cleaning are. I embrace the role of housewife. (I just have to make up for my meagre lost income.) It seems that adding just one child to the party would be OK - I would still be focusing on the family.

unschooling

We had a good unschooling day today.  Eleanor put on a complicated play with eight puppets and made seating and tickets.  Charlotte separated different bits of hamster food mix and made a heart shaped design for Despereuax to walk on and stuff his cheeks with.  We talked about estimating how many bits were in each color group and comparing more and less.  That's totally math.  She also collected feathers and leaves and taped them into a folder for later classification.  

I think I felt happier when I was embracing unschooling.  At some point I felt it wasn't enough/trying different ideas/getting to know different people and how things were working for them.  When I apply my (classic) impossible standards to myself as the sole educator of my children, I feel panic-y.  There's a bit in The Power of Now about fully letting go (of the running talk in your mind) and falling into a black abyss of nothing - like that (unnecessary) part of you dying.  That's what unschooling feels like to me.  I have to let go and trust them to learn and stop freaking out.  It feels great when I'm able to do that.  I can see the girls are having great moments.  They have a-has and they are curious and they get excited.  They are still innocent.  

I have to read some John Holt again for re-inspiration.  

It is clear that each homeschooling family has different priorities and I am figuring out ours.

The golden rule, social manners, self-care, house chores, TV off during the day, limited computer game time, play outdoors, fascination for all bugs, birds, feathers, leaves, sprouts, plants, animals.  Our civil war interest has come to end, but that was good and now we are excited about the Chronicles of Narnia.  ( I keep hearing - "the chronic - what! -cles of Narnia" in my head.)  They are interested in saving the earth.  They are very DIY friendly.  They are not caught up in clothes and material flotsam.  There are no Jones' for them to keep up with.  They like to read, they like to play games with each other, they like to draw.  Charlotte illustrates everything.  Charlotte is a natural ballerina - I was so proud of her at her recital; she was so beautiful and so graceful.  Eleanor will start soccer soon.  They are not overweight or worried about it.  They are good skaters.  They are not squeamish.  They like to get dirty.  I can trust them to behave in public.  They tell me they love me everyday and that I'm the best.  (Of course I tell them the same.)  I love who they are.  I can see that I don't suck as much as I've been thinking.  

still growing