planted strawberries and rhubarb today, dripped sweat tilling the whole side yard, marked spots for stepping stones and espaliered fruit tree coming next spring. had a friend over for lunch, then another stopped by to drop off all those plants and stayed for tea. I felt like life is very good and full of friends. Now I just feel tired. Took kids to great america yesterday - home at 1AM. Took students to the loop (then met the kids at the pool afterward...then had birthday cake at T's) the day before. Cleaned the house and had my new friends from Chile over the night before that. house is still a little clean. been enjoying green smoothies this week. for example, 2 small mangoes, an orange, a celery stick, a leaf of kale, and two fistfuls of greens in the vita mix. I love it. change the recipe everyday to balance nutrients and give body variety. Tonight, E and G and I stood in the street pulling on a rope tied to the tree that Chris was hacking off. We finally cut it down! I wondered if our new neighbors had bets on whether we'd bring down our gutters - sorry ladies, no damage. Gracie tantrum-ed for an hour when she saw the super fun jungle gym - aka, the the trunk - was going to be sawed into little bits, as though it were a new pet that was being cut into bits. the humanity. we saved her about 300 pounds worth of an interesting bridge shape of trunk to be dragged into the backyard for keeps, but she was fixated on 'the whole thing.'

Kids are getting stars for goals on a chart this week - trial for getting organized. There are a few chores and hygiene tasks, but also fun things like 'play outside,' 'field trip,' and 'swim.' I promised them we would go to the library (they are very into the reading program this year), a pool, and a field trip every week. Last week we went to Cantigny with A and O.

I'm drinking a raw meal replacement shake I got to boost me back on the wagon in these times of lazy eating: it tastes like throw up.

Breyers has vamped up the marshmallow swirl in their rocky road and now it's even more irresistible.

I stopped writing when I got depressed and it got too personal. I started going to an art therapist and its the most decadent thing I do all week. My mojo is back.

I'm waiting to buy Chris Black Keys tickets online at exactly 10...

Aargh. Fail. They sold out in less than 3 minutes, which is how long it took to create a new account when I didn't have his password.

In other news, the farm job was going really well, the girls and I were really enjoying it, then it ended abruptly when the management parted ways with each other. I was really bummed out about for a week or two and then put some seeds in my yard and built an herb spiral. This is how I came to my obsession with bishop's weed.

That perfectly innocuous "snow on the mountain" can turn green, perhaps an effect of too much nitrogen and not enough phosphorus? and become incredibly invasive.
I have spent at least 60 hours pulling it. It's satisifying, frustrating, and totally obsessive. It covers about 180 square feet of my yard, mostly in mixed perennial beds, where its roots wrap around the roots of desirables and choke them out. It's in the 3 neighboring yards and my next door neighbor that I talk to has been fighting it for ten years - so the prognosis is dim. Just this Saturday I pulled 8 stuffed paper grocery bags out. You have to dig down about ten inches and sift out every bit of root or it will start a new plant. It's even in the lawn now. I may just have to move to container gardening.

The herb spiral is cute. My cousin and I collected rocks for it in a secret wooded location where an old farmhouse had been torn down and forgotten. Free rocks hauled on the most humid day of the year was just what I'd been waiting for. Only now I think I might need to move the spiral because it gets more sun than I thought it would and the parsleys look really sad. I also bought clearance grapes and hardy kiwi vines but now I need to spend money to build an arbor. Chris says he'll help me build it next weekend.

This last weekend he did the warrior dash. It looked like so much fun that I'm going to do it with him next year.

He is dressed as the greatest american hero. We actually missed seeing him race but we had a good time with my dad (on father's day) sloshing around in the mud eating bbq and watching other racers jump over fire and slide face first into mud.

I've been jogging and sometimes making it to a zumba class. We saw Eli Paperboy Reed weekend before last and I attribute my inhibition free sober dancing to the fun I've had in zumba. It's been over a year now since I've had a drink. I don't know why Eli Reed isn't more popular. He played the Empty Bottle! Great for us, but not for him. It wasn't even packed.

This weekend we saw Delta Spirit at the Metro which was also fantastic. He connects with audience and pours his heart out, making eye contact, demanding and begging audience participation, then he stood outside the venue for at least an hour, shaking hands and grinning for everyone's pictures. I've never seen a singer so giving and friendly.

Maybe I should start taking my own phone videos.

By the way, the power hour lasted 3 weeks and now I have a hard time waking up before 8 again.

Poop will be my undoing at the farm. Not the manure, I shoveled that today - no problem. But little G pooped in her pants, we had to drive out to Wal Mart to use a toilet, then she had to go again so I fashioned a "toilet" from a plastic grocery bag, that worked well, but then she pooped in her pants again. (today was first time she EVER pooped in pants ) Had to go home for a bath. Had to leave 3 hours early and there's SO much to do there. Drove home with El crying about the poop smell and having to sit next to Gracie, a little bag of poop and pee at my feet, overhead light dangling maniacally - no longer stays when shoved back into car ceiling - I wondered why I'm doing this anyway. I wondered, after leaning up against it to eat lunch and noticing it had no tread, if the front tire would blow. I wondered if I would run out of gas before Friday. I sat in traffic. Cherub Rock came on and the day seemed sunny again, I felt the optimism of being 16 seep into my being. I rocked out. Eleanor stopped yelling and stuffed her nose into a book. The other two fell asleep.

While I'd hoped to be a serious team member and agriculture student, I may be fooling myself to think I'm anything more than a quirky suburban housewife playing farmer. Does driving a shitty sedan and really needing the money give me any more cred than if I drove a fancy SUV and didn't worry about grocery money? Am I perceived as a a soccer mom? I recently heard myself referred to as 'the artist.' That was always one of the big appeals for me with art. A license to be a quirky slob. What's wrong with her? homeless? mentally ill? Oh an artist, I see, how delightful. I don't even have to make anything -other than a mess of myself- anymore. the label's out.

I long to throw myself into these projects (like the farm) with a 60 hour a week passion because that's how I work, but I can't. I can only be a hobbyist while I'm homeschooling young kids and I always forget not to be disappointed that I can't be hardcore. I know, I can be a hardcore homeschooler - but I always get distracted because I start looking for ways to make money because we don't have enough and then I get really interested in different ideas and want to take them all the way. Last week I had us all moving to Japan again. (It was a good idea.)

Is the level I can take the farm to this summer worth the drive and frustration of juggling the kids while trying to speed-seed? I think so. So far. I'm learning a lot, the kids play outside, and its fun when they're not pooping or screaming or complaining. I multi-task everything else, folding clothes while answering math questions, breaking up fights while cooking dinner, holding a demanding Gracie while demonstrating yoga poses to the older girls.

Last week I started the power hour. At 7:30 AM the girls are woken (El's always awake already and Charlotte's always asleep) and we do yoga together for 20 minutes, then they do 2 pages in their math book and a chapter or 2 of Rosetta Stone French while I make dinner for breakfast, then we all eat together and I clean up right away (cleaning up right away may not sound worth mentioning except that its a new step for me.) So far we've had 80% follow through over the last 2 weeks. It puts us in a mood for getting things done instead of the lazy cloud that sometimes fogs over and leaves me paralyzingly depressed. I've had a 40% success rate with getting up before the power hour to work out and shower. This makes for the best day because I get the endorphins going and I don't feel like a dirty slob just crawled out of bed. I've discovered Zumba - latin dance aerobics. Really fun - gets me out the hard shell I've been building.

This week we started our first unit study. Eleanor chose elephants, so we went to the library on Monday and looked for fiction and non-fiction sources. We started by reading and discussing The Blind Man and the Elephant and then covered some basic facts, but I have to learn how much to expect from them. I tend to start writing out a proper outline like we're going to write a ten page term paper and that falls on deaf 7 & 8 year old ears. My goal is to explore biology, ecology, culture, literature, geography associated with the topic they chose and then have them make a little booklet, writing information they've collected and illustrating or otherwise art-ing it up. Yesterday we read a book about elephants who paint. see www.elephantart.com We explored the website and I didn't ask anybody to take notes. Tomorrow I hope to do some painting that can be added to the booklet. In my mind, I'm trying to think of the best format for these booklets, as I imagine they will all be lined up on a shelf one day for them to keep and enjoy, looking somewhat uniform, then I remember that's partly crazy talk and I can expect no uniformity ever anywhere. So we'll just start with some paper and staples and I'll try not to be so OCD.

Drove the tractor today, tilled, tried to make straight lines. went to Eleanor's end of camp play. Charlotte filmed it and Eleanor accidentally deleted it. there was a lot of moaning. was going to meet Liz with all kids at art opening but the kids were dirty/hungry/exhausted/crabby/fighting and ended up driving half way there, sitting in the Target parking lot trying to decide if I should buy a hairbrush and some fresh shirts or just go home. ended up at dad's, had a nice visit with Pa. he was so social today, he came out in his robe and slippers in the back yard to hang out with us kids and feel the weather. Also hung out with Ray and Nicole today. They came to see the play and it was their anniversary. I enjoyed. Yesterday was also so beautiful. Drove a different old tractor, a 1950 ford. fun. Bill's a great teacher - gives minimal instruction, then walks away - no over explaining or nagging or criticizing. empowering. Charlotte and Gracie played for four hours while I fertilized raspberry bushes. They are so amazing. the girls. gracie drew pictures of the raspberry bushes and Charlotte photographed the farm with my phone. I love working outside. The day before that we went to a nature museum. Gracie photo-ed some great shots - I love seeing her perspective. Will def. go back to draw the specimens there. Really enjoyed the home school group. Didn't like being held to a tight schedule and 2 hours of driving every day for Eleanor's camp. In Joel Salatin's book, You Can Farm, he talks a bit about not spending money on these sort of suburban activities for your kids and I think back to it for permission to opt out of this part of the culture without feeling guilty.

This is the week that everything came to life, buds, then blooms - I relished the first days. I gasped audibly, driving past a yard covered in tiny purple flowers (vinca?) and today, there was some hay laying over logs in a wooded valley along the road that looked exactly like afghan hounds.

negative

We saw the how to train your dragon movie today for Nate's birthday. It was awesome. We wedged it right in there between a bike ride to Alex' baseball game and picking Eleanor up from camp. So far I do not like this camp or anything affiliated with this theatre group. Never again. As a hater and non-participator, squatting off to the side of this type of group setting of parents more of the soccer set is like tickling a raw nerve. Clearly the problem is me, but I don't think my children need these sort of expensive, "organized" activities to turn out alright. I'm only taking her there because I couldn't get a full refund from the first class I signed her up for (and ran from screaming - no I won't sign your contract to volunteer 20 hours and pay that much money and tolerate this level of chaos after seeing how terrible the last play was at this location [if I only saw our local group first, and not the more distant, far superior sect - I never would have signed her up]) ... and she wanted to go.

Last night Chris and I had a rare date. I started out very crabby because I have developed a worse than usual body image problem. Halfway through dinner we were having a good time and then we went to see Greenburg. Save your money and just watch the trailer online. That's all the good parts. The character development was good, I could understand the urge to make such a movie, but I had my own urge to just turn it off at some point.

Two words. Carol's Cookies.

I am still working on mailing out my Christmas packages to Japan.

I'm in a desperate, anxious race to get organized but I'm running through mud.

Dropping off neat little parcels of negativity makes me feel lighter.

For lunch today we had miso soup, seaweed salad, rice with furikake, and longings for Japan. I want to go back so bad.

I instituted a new schedule this morning - only schoolwork and chores before lunch. I feel very productive and am enjoying a break before dishes. The girls are playing Mario Brothers right now which doesn't feel too bad since they did French and Math and History and Writing already. Charlotte picked up and Eleanor did laundry and changed the hamster cage. Gracie made things very hard especially during history, grabbing my face and pushing it into hers, squealing and climbing on my lap and springing back when removed, while the other two asked for different spellings at the same time. For a moment I thought I would cry for auditory overload, but we plowed through and studied ancient China.

Dell-icious

We went to the Dells this weekend. I felt like we were rich people, being able to go up there for the night and eat out and stay at the water park. Thank you, tax return. The trip was clearly for the kids. It was so crowded Sunday - overwhelming. Long lines of crabby white people and big hairy potbellies bouncing around like those colorful punching bags you run through as a kid. As much as everyone else walks around the hotel in swarms like they're leaving the fireworks all at once and in nothing but their bathing suits, I found it totally humiliating to traverse the halls in a T-shirt and my cellulite. I don't want to go back, but if we do, I'll spring for the cover-up dress. There was a gay Manhattanite in my head screaming incredulously at the dearth of style amongst the ten thousand or so people there... beating me up in my mind. I am every bit as Midwestern as everyone there, except I'm one of the ones who knows better - you think I'm in a coma but I hear you. I was so stressed out by the crowd and my own body image issues and Eleanor's sass, that by the next morning, I broke down crying in the Indian Trading Post over some cheap Native American dolls that reminded me of one I got when I was little. I left without it, then went back in to get it, then came back to the car and saw how cheap it was and wanted to get rid of it. I asked Chris to return it for me. "No way." me: "I can't have this thing in the house reminding me of how crazy I'm acting this morning." him: "Send it to your sister with a note that says remember going to the dells when we were kids." me: "Good idea." We went to McDonalds where I watched footage of the earthquake damage in Chile and thought our money would have been much better spent sent to Chile or Haiti for aid. I finally relaxed briefly in the wave pool later that afternoon. My idea of a relaxing vacation involves exploring nature with very few people around or exploring culture with very few Americans around. The water park capital of the nation is the opposite of that. If we ever save up enough for Disney World, I'll probably hate that too. But you know what the kids' idea of a great vacation is? Indoor water parks and Disney World.

I got to pick out 30 varieties of tomatoes for the farm this week. I picked seven different color cherry varieties. I picture them together in baskets like big juicy marbles - striped varieties too.

We had a productive day today. The girls did French and math and read independently - one Little Women, and one Anne of Green Gables. They're reading the condensed children's versions. I didn't ask them too. I just bought several in the dollar aisle at Target last year and they just now bothered with them. Eleanor sat in a sunny corner of her room yesterday for hours reading Little Women. Today they squeezed this in between watching Shirley Temple shorts first thing in the morning and then spending all afternoon at Tania's. I've been freaking out about homeschooling lately. I swing between thinking I should offer them some kind of University of Chicago lab school experience and some kind of Waldorf-y unschool experience. I'm either totally confident or a totally depressed failure. Artists classically put the whole pressure of their worth into whether their work is good. Not only do I think I suck because I haven't made work in a year, but I lock in my self worth to how well I perceive myself to be educating the girls. I don't need a supervisor at work or as a home-educator (I don't have either) because I beat myself up harder than any boss would. I'm aware that this is wrong but I don't know how to tease it apart. I'm feeling a little better today. I exercised.