stayed up past 5. It felt great to paint in the basement. without the pressure of creating a masterpiece, painting is my favorite. listened to the Beastie Boys and painted big and sloppy, in a Tshirt and underwear. felt like college. concluded I only like painting big sloppy and colorful. occurred to me that, in fact, I am big, sloppy and colorful - everything about me is. I painted the chairs, painted the boards for the theatre, baked the cakes, and made 6 of 40 napkins before calling it quits on that idea and going to bed. Just finished assembling the puppet theatre outside: Yay for duct tape. And man is it hot out. taking a little break before I wash the floor. I know, nobody cares. We all had french toast and bacon together and talked about when Eleanor was born for a long time. Chris took all the girls to see Despicable Me. Fun for all, including me. Yes. I now find more pleasure in cleaning alone than in seeing a movie. Its all about context.

We're having a party tomorrow. I try to keep it casual but I always start too many projects when I'm on 'we're having a party' adrenaline rush. It is 10:00. P.M. The only thing I've accomplished so far is most of the shopping. Arracheras go on sale tomorrow, so I'll just get in line with everyone else waiting to get 10# tenderized then. What I had the audacity to think I would get done before bed today (and totally confident of until the last five minutes in the car when all girls started screaming or crying about 9PM):

1. paint circus stripes on 3 4'x8' pieces of cardboard
2. jigsaw circus-like curly-q's into these
3. assemble into a puppet theatre with hinges
4. bake a 3 tier cake
5. make the frosting
6. sew 40 napkins (I bought and cut 10 kinds of fabric to make reusable napkins yesterday when I also bought 3 dozen settings of IKEA kids tableware so we never buy paper goods for a party again.)
7. paint dining room chairs (same paint as puppet theatre)
8. assemble puppet making craft for party guests
9. Don't stress out Chris with too many projects

Tomorrow: make special birthday breakfast, grocery shop, make guacamole, make fruit basket out of a watermelon, clean house, frost cake, put that bed lying against the house - that I dragged up from the basement by myself a month ago that Chris says we can't put on the curb because his friend in Colorado might sleep over one day even though he never has and we don't have a mattress for it - back in the basement, shower, don't stress Chris out with too many projects.

No wonder I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown by the time anyone shows up.

Pa had another small stroke and went into the hospital today. Each one feels like a wave goodbye. Will meditate on this while making red velvet cakes.

My friend Amy invited the girls and I to collect honey today. I was a little nervous at first but no one got stung and it was no big deal. The kids spent hours making structures out of scrap wood.
Yesterday Chris and I went to Pitchfork to see Pavement. It was pretty fun. At first it was boring because so many of the bands were no energy. I spent some time sitting and staring at the ground (looking stoned) really focused on a painting series I've been formulating.

I should be writing a simple lesson for class - it's 3 in the morning and two cups of coffee this afternoon have me still shaking my leg - but I'm actually still procrastinating. I will have little choice but to continue this cycle of caffeine use in four hours to make it through class.

We are having an awesome summer. I'm enjoying the kids so much, I'm enjoying Chris, we have a social engagement almost every day, sometimes two, and you can tell we've been having fun because the house is a neglected disaster. Time to invite someone over for motive.

planted strawberries and rhubarb today, dripped sweat tilling the whole side yard, marked spots for stepping stones and espaliered fruit tree coming next spring. had a friend over for lunch, then another stopped by to drop off all those plants and stayed for tea. I felt like life is very good and full of friends. Now I just feel tired. Took kids to great america yesterday - home at 1AM. Took students to the loop (then met the kids at the pool afterward...then had birthday cake at T's) the day before. Cleaned the house and had my new friends from Chile over the night before that. house is still a little clean. been enjoying green smoothies this week. for example, 2 small mangoes, an orange, a celery stick, a leaf of kale, and two fistfuls of greens in the vita mix. I love it. change the recipe everyday to balance nutrients and give body variety. Tonight, E and G and I stood in the street pulling on a rope tied to the tree that Chris was hacking off. We finally cut it down! I wondered if our new neighbors had bets on whether we'd bring down our gutters - sorry ladies, no damage. Gracie tantrum-ed for an hour when she saw the super fun jungle gym - aka, the the trunk - was going to be sawed into little bits, as though it were a new pet that was being cut into bits. the humanity. we saved her about 300 pounds worth of an interesting bridge shape of trunk to be dragged into the backyard for keeps, but she was fixated on 'the whole thing.'

Kids are getting stars for goals on a chart this week - trial for getting organized. There are a few chores and hygiene tasks, but also fun things like 'play outside,' 'field trip,' and 'swim.' I promised them we would go to the library (they are very into the reading program this year), a pool, and a field trip every week. Last week we went to Cantigny with A and O.

I'm drinking a raw meal replacement shake I got to boost me back on the wagon in these times of lazy eating: it tastes like throw up.

Breyers has vamped up the marshmallow swirl in their rocky road and now it's even more irresistible.

I stopped writing when I got depressed and it got too personal. I started going to an art therapist and its the most decadent thing I do all week. My mojo is back.

I'm waiting to buy Chris Black Keys tickets online at exactly 10...

Aargh. Fail. They sold out in less than 3 minutes, which is how long it took to create a new account when I didn't have his password.

In other news, the farm job was going really well, the girls and I were really enjoying it, then it ended abruptly when the management parted ways with each other. I was really bummed out about for a week or two and then put some seeds in my yard and built an herb spiral. This is how I came to my obsession with bishop's weed.

That perfectly innocuous "snow on the mountain" can turn green, perhaps an effect of too much nitrogen and not enough phosphorus? and become incredibly invasive.
I have spent at least 60 hours pulling it. It's satisifying, frustrating, and totally obsessive. It covers about 180 square feet of my yard, mostly in mixed perennial beds, where its roots wrap around the roots of desirables and choke them out. It's in the 3 neighboring yards and my next door neighbor that I talk to has been fighting it for ten years - so the prognosis is dim. Just this Saturday I pulled 8 stuffed paper grocery bags out. You have to dig down about ten inches and sift out every bit of root or it will start a new plant. It's even in the lawn now. I may just have to move to container gardening.

The herb spiral is cute. My cousin and I collected rocks for it in a secret wooded location where an old farmhouse had been torn down and forgotten. Free rocks hauled on the most humid day of the year was just what I'd been waiting for. Only now I think I might need to move the spiral because it gets more sun than I thought it would and the parsleys look really sad. I also bought clearance grapes and hardy kiwi vines but now I need to spend money to build an arbor. Chris says he'll help me build it next weekend.

This last weekend he did the warrior dash. It looked like so much fun that I'm going to do it with him next year.

He is dressed as the greatest american hero. We actually missed seeing him race but we had a good time with my dad (on father's day) sloshing around in the mud eating bbq and watching other racers jump over fire and slide face first into mud.

I've been jogging and sometimes making it to a zumba class. We saw Eli Paperboy Reed weekend before last and I attribute my inhibition free sober dancing to the fun I've had in zumba. It's been over a year now since I've had a drink. I don't know why Eli Reed isn't more popular. He played the Empty Bottle! Great for us, but not for him. It wasn't even packed.

This weekend we saw Delta Spirit at the Metro which was also fantastic. He connects with audience and pours his heart out, making eye contact, demanding and begging audience participation, then he stood outside the venue for at least an hour, shaking hands and grinning for everyone's pictures. I've never seen a singer so giving and friendly.

Maybe I should start taking my own phone videos.

By the way, the power hour lasted 3 weeks and now I have a hard time waking up before 8 again.

Poop will be my undoing at the farm. Not the manure, I shoveled that today - no problem. But little G pooped in her pants, we had to drive out to Wal Mart to use a toilet, then she had to go again so I fashioned a "toilet" from a plastic grocery bag, that worked well, but then she pooped in her pants again. (today was first time she EVER pooped in pants ) Had to go home for a bath. Had to leave 3 hours early and there's SO much to do there. Drove home with El crying about the poop smell and having to sit next to Gracie, a little bag of poop and pee at my feet, overhead light dangling maniacally - no longer stays when shoved back into car ceiling - I wondered why I'm doing this anyway. I wondered, after leaning up against it to eat lunch and noticing it had no tread, if the front tire would blow. I wondered if I would run out of gas before Friday. I sat in traffic. Cherub Rock came on and the day seemed sunny again, I felt the optimism of being 16 seep into my being. I rocked out. Eleanor stopped yelling and stuffed her nose into a book. The other two fell asleep.

While I'd hoped to be a serious team member and agriculture student, I may be fooling myself to think I'm anything more than a quirky suburban housewife playing farmer. Does driving a shitty sedan and really needing the money give me any more cred than if I drove a fancy SUV and didn't worry about grocery money? Am I perceived as a a soccer mom? I recently heard myself referred to as 'the artist.' That was always one of the big appeals for me with art. A license to be a quirky slob. What's wrong with her? homeless? mentally ill? Oh an artist, I see, how delightful. I don't even have to make anything -other than a mess of myself- anymore. the label's out.

I long to throw myself into these projects (like the farm) with a 60 hour a week passion because that's how I work, but I can't. I can only be a hobbyist while I'm homeschooling young kids and I always forget not to be disappointed that I can't be hardcore. I know, I can be a hardcore homeschooler - but I always get distracted because I start looking for ways to make money because we don't have enough and then I get really interested in different ideas and want to take them all the way. Last week I had us all moving to Japan again. (It was a good idea.)

Is the level I can take the farm to this summer worth the drive and frustration of juggling the kids while trying to speed-seed? I think so. So far. I'm learning a lot, the kids play outside, and its fun when they're not pooping or screaming or complaining. I multi-task everything else, folding clothes while answering math questions, breaking up fights while cooking dinner, holding a demanding Gracie while demonstrating yoga poses to the older girls.

Last week I started the power hour. At 7:30 AM the girls are woken (El's always awake already and Charlotte's always asleep) and we do yoga together for 20 minutes, then they do 2 pages in their math book and a chapter or 2 of Rosetta Stone French while I make dinner for breakfast, then we all eat together and I clean up right away (cleaning up right away may not sound worth mentioning except that its a new step for me.) So far we've had 80% follow through over the last 2 weeks. It puts us in a mood for getting things done instead of the lazy cloud that sometimes fogs over and leaves me paralyzingly depressed. I've had a 40% success rate with getting up before the power hour to work out and shower. This makes for the best day because I get the endorphins going and I don't feel like a dirty slob just crawled out of bed. I've discovered Zumba - latin dance aerobics. Really fun - gets me out the hard shell I've been building.

This week we started our first unit study. Eleanor chose elephants, so we went to the library on Monday and looked for fiction and non-fiction sources. We started by reading and discussing The Blind Man and the Elephant and then covered some basic facts, but I have to learn how much to expect from them. I tend to start writing out a proper outline like we're going to write a ten page term paper and that falls on deaf 7 & 8 year old ears. My goal is to explore biology, ecology, culture, literature, geography associated with the topic they chose and then have them make a little booklet, writing information they've collected and illustrating or otherwise art-ing it up. Yesterday we read a book about elephants who paint. see www.elephantart.com We explored the website and I didn't ask anybody to take notes. Tomorrow I hope to do some painting that can be added to the booklet. In my mind, I'm trying to think of the best format for these booklets, as I imagine they will all be lined up on a shelf one day for them to keep and enjoy, looking somewhat uniform, then I remember that's partly crazy talk and I can expect no uniformity ever anywhere. So we'll just start with some paper and staples and I'll try not to be so OCD.

Drove the tractor today, tilled, tried to make straight lines. went to Eleanor's end of camp play. Charlotte filmed it and Eleanor accidentally deleted it. there was a lot of moaning. was going to meet Liz with all kids at art opening but the kids were dirty/hungry/exhausted/crabby/fighting and ended up driving half way there, sitting in the Target parking lot trying to decide if I should buy a hairbrush and some fresh shirts or just go home. ended up at dad's, had a nice visit with Pa. he was so social today, he came out in his robe and slippers in the back yard to hang out with us kids and feel the weather. Also hung out with Ray and Nicole today. They came to see the play and it was their anniversary. I enjoyed. Yesterday was also so beautiful. Drove a different old tractor, a 1950 ford. fun. Bill's a great teacher - gives minimal instruction, then walks away - no over explaining or nagging or criticizing. empowering. Charlotte and Gracie played for four hours while I fertilized raspberry bushes. They are so amazing. the girls. gracie drew pictures of the raspberry bushes and Charlotte photographed the farm with my phone. I love working outside. The day before that we went to a nature museum. Gracie photo-ed some great shots - I love seeing her perspective. Will def. go back to draw the specimens there. Really enjoyed the home school group. Didn't like being held to a tight schedule and 2 hours of driving every day for Eleanor's camp. In Joel Salatin's book, You Can Farm, he talks a bit about not spending money on these sort of suburban activities for your kids and I think back to it for permission to opt out of this part of the culture without feeling guilty.

This is the week that everything came to life, buds, then blooms - I relished the first days. I gasped audibly, driving past a yard covered in tiny purple flowers (vinca?) and today, there was some hay laying over logs in a wooded valley along the road that looked exactly like afghan hounds.