12 bird paintings finished after ten hours yesterday. I'm satisfied. 18 more to finish by thursday.

Very happy with second grade. Charlotte is advanced in everything and feels a sense of success and companionship. her teacher is really cool.

Unhappier and unhappier with fourth grade. Eleanor was given a math test on material she doesn't know at all after three days. The kid next to her made fun of the big F on her paper. This lady doesn't appear to be interested in smoothing the transition for Eleanor (who came home and sobbed about the F and the teasing.) I am scrambling to help her learn her multiplication/division facts to catch up but she feels really pressured. She begged a return to homeschooling, but Chris says we must finish this experimental year. I hope her teacher doesn't turn out to do more damage than good. I don't trust her.

OK. I just deleted one huge thing (homeschooling) and one small...ish thing (planning a school) from my plate. I feel relieved. Eleanor experienced social drama on day 1 when two groups of girls fought over her. And she is behind in math and writing but ahead in reading. but overall...so far, OK. Her teacher really seems to be nothing special. I bore witness to her annoyance at receiving another new student without notice. The primary function of school so far seems to be to stimulate Eleanor's competitive nature and force a schedule on her/us. I was not good at enforcing a schedule and I think they need one. Charlotte will start Monday and her teacher seems really cool.

OK. now I'm depressed. feeling the loss of a 2 1/2 year project that meant the world to me. the loss of what became in a way a self-identity. the loss of a group membership that I really enjoyed.

don't want to cry in front of Chris for fear he'll misunderstand and think I'm flip-flopping.

I'm just sitting here, wondering if I should paint for the show, make meatballs, or do crusty dishes. Instead my nose is starting to run and I don't even have the get up and go to wipe it. let alone wash dishes.

Chris and I discussed it conclusively this morning and, at this point, the best choice really is to send them to school for now. it feels like a failure but I guess the real failure would be to refuse to change as needed.

Its just all happening so fast.

Oh my god what am I doing Eleanor goes to school tomorrow

So, it looks like school. Our tour went well. The girls are very excited and my throw up feeling has passed. Naturally, the first order of business was to order them really cool lunch accessories. We have been talking a lot lately about creating as little garbage as possible, so high quality lunch storage that will last for years is important.

fall meal plan:

sunday: rotisserie chicken, potato, vegetable (grocery shop and start tomorrow's soup)

monday: chicken soup and fresh bread

tuesday: tacos

wednesday: stir fry, rice

thursday: spaghetti

friday: homemade pizzas (bake crusts and tomorrow's buns)

saturday: pulled pork (or burgers, dogs), baked beans, cole slaw

so today I made shrimp "ceviche" on tostadas - SO GOOD.

Mix:

1# salad shrimp, rinsed to thaw

juice of 2 limes

1/2 tsp salt

3 cloves garlic crushed

1 or two avocados diced

2 tomatoes diced

about 3T red onion minced

about 1/2 cup cilantro chopped

let mingle in fridge up to 30 minutes, pile onto 3 tostadas. this was delicious w/o a side dish.

tonight I'll start the sauce and meatballs for Thursday's spaghetti and make enough for a month.

In other news, because our schedules are changing, because the kids want to, and because I think I may have over-villified the school system - at least at the elementary level, ... we are considering sending the kids back to school. I'm coming to see that both ways can be successful as long as the parents are active in the educational process. This confused my husband at first, but he could see there were lots of little reasons piling up to this. It isn't because I can't handle them - dumping kids at school for discipline is a disaster. I love my kids and I want to serve them the best way I can, even if that is different from my original opinion. I love homeschooling and I love being with them all day, but with all I have to get done, some of their time each day may be better spent at school. The truth is, over time, I have not been as consistent with my good intentions for homeschooling as I would call successful. They are fine academically and their self confidence is wonderful (which I'm still worried about as far as going back to school is concerned) but school would offer them structure and stimulation that I am inconsistent with. I have to work, I have to paint, and its really hard to juggle those two jobs, keeping house, raising children, and educating them all at once. Do I always have to do everything the hard way? Besides, if they don't like it, they can come back home. But they want to go. And if they become depressed later because school is so awful, they can come back home. We'll see how it goes.