Poor Eleanor laid in bed with me this morning, said no one will sit with her at lunch. She tries to sit at the girls' table and they tell her no, they've already made "arrangements." She uses air quotes. She ends up sitting by herself or with a few boys who don't get to sit at the boys' table. I hate for her to have this rejection at such a formative stage. She's been enjoying school much more and was very happy to get an A on her last math paper. The schedule is so good for her and I know I can't protect her forever, but when she looks up at me with those big brown eyes and tells me how no one likes her I just want to cuddle in bed with her all morning and keep her home forever. I asked Charlotte if she was having the same problem at lunch and she said she just sort of sits somewhere and then all her friends come sit with her.

things are going much better. I've sold some paintings. The kids are liking school. Gracie loves having mommy to herself. I feel good about going to the gym again. Even the dog is being really good.

12 bird paintings finished after ten hours yesterday. I'm satisfied. 18 more to finish by thursday.

Very happy with second grade. Charlotte is advanced in everything and feels a sense of success and companionship. her teacher is really cool.

Unhappier and unhappier with fourth grade. Eleanor was given a math test on material she doesn't know at all after three days. The kid next to her made fun of the big F on her paper. This lady doesn't appear to be interested in smoothing the transition for Eleanor (who came home and sobbed about the F and the teasing.) I am scrambling to help her learn her multiplication/division facts to catch up but she feels really pressured. She begged a return to homeschooling, but Chris says we must finish this experimental year. I hope her teacher doesn't turn out to do more damage than good. I don't trust her.

OK. I just deleted one huge thing (homeschooling) and one small...ish thing (planning a school) from my plate. I feel relieved. Eleanor experienced social drama on day 1 when two groups of girls fought over her. And she is behind in math and writing but ahead in reading. but overall...so far, OK. Her teacher really seems to be nothing special. I bore witness to her annoyance at receiving another new student without notice. The primary function of school so far seems to be to stimulate Eleanor's competitive nature and force a schedule on her/us. I was not good at enforcing a schedule and I think they need one. Charlotte will start Monday and her teacher seems really cool.

OK. now I'm depressed. feeling the loss of a 2 1/2 year project that meant the world to me. the loss of what became in a way a self-identity. the loss of a group membership that I really enjoyed.

don't want to cry in front of Chris for fear he'll misunderstand and think I'm flip-flopping.

I'm just sitting here, wondering if I should paint for the show, make meatballs, or do crusty dishes. Instead my nose is starting to run and I don't even have the get up and go to wipe it. let alone wash dishes.

Chris and I discussed it conclusively this morning and, at this point, the best choice really is to send them to school for now. it feels like a failure but I guess the real failure would be to refuse to change as needed.

Its just all happening so fast.

Oh my god what am I doing Eleanor goes to school tomorrow

So, it looks like school. Our tour went well. The girls are very excited and my throw up feeling has passed. Naturally, the first order of business was to order them really cool lunch accessories. We have been talking a lot lately about creating as little garbage as possible, so high quality lunch storage that will last for years is important.