cinnamon essene

I watched this great show last night on the travel channel about two British guys living with a hunter gatherer tribe in Papua while Chris stayed up all night to finish a homework assignment.  I didn't stay up all night.  I took the girls to a show today  that involved magic and learning about rhythm in music.  It was amateur in the way that, sitting in the front row, I felt I must smile and look like I'm enjoying failed jokes or they would feel bad.  Maybe that's my problem, but they looked sort of ... not confident.  The kids enjoyed it though and were picked to be helpers on stage which is their dream come true.  Gracie wrapped my arms around her torso for awhile and then just wanted to nurse.  

She is really good at communicating with pointing, nodding, and facial expressions.  She is repeating more and more sounds intentionally and enjoys our cheers for this trick.  She has a fantastic smile.  

My mom came over for lunch and I made chicken legs and guacamole.  The girls worked on cleaning their room in the morning but after lunch they just ran around whipping each other with towels, jumping on the couches, and yelling.  

Charlotte's visiting day for dance class was changed from the original day, which I couldn't attend, to the single day I had off work.  YAY!

I am enjoying work and the crazy old building we moved to.  I like my students, which I think is my saving grace with them as I sometimes fear I am not a very good teacher.  Only because I have no teacher training, not because I couldn't be.

When I got home, the girls were in their PJs and all wound up.  They begged Sue to sing the name song (banana fana...) over and over and she obliged, and they fell on the floor laughing every time.  I'm so pleased to see this dynamic.

I finally made essene bread from this interesting website and it is delicious!  I think I might even get Charlotte to eat it.  Maybe. It is three cups of organic wheat berries, soaked overnight in a sealed quart jar, then rinsed and towel covered in a big bowl all day, rinsed every few hours, then ground up as soon as little white sprouts appear.  I mushed them into a tuna salad-like consistency in tiny batches in the vita mix because I don't have a food processor (that would be MUCH easier) and it smelled like sweet, delicious bread already.  The girls were enthralled with this process from the beginning and helped mush in a little honey, sea salt, and cinnamon and then spread it thin on a buttered cookie sheet.  It's not supposed to be buttered, but I don't have a no-stick pan, either.  I baked it at 200 for an hour about.  Till I remembered it.  It's supposed to be awesome for you.  

blueberries

Today Eleanor and I made blueberry pancakes.

about 2 cups Hungry Jack complete pancake mix

about a quarter cup each of flaxseed and bob's red mill 8 grain porridge ground up in the vita mix

water to consistency

a volume of frozen blueberries that roughly equals the batter

These were delicious with a little real maple syrup.

We also shared a  blueberry smoothie and by we I mean not Charlotte, that was frozen blueberries, a little raw honey, and water.  Our teeth were blue and I felt full of magical antioxidants.  Which is a much better feeling than my full of chocolate chips feeling I have right now.  I don't think I will ever buy a bag of Ghiradelli chocolate chips from Sam's again.

I told the girls I would buy them a hamster if they cleaned their room.  They worked on it all day, on and off.  I washed all the dishes and finished just in time to brush my hair before work.  I have worn the same pair of jeans almost everyday for at least two weeks now.  Sometimes I don't feel like jeans need to be washed.  Like a weave.  

I had a weave once, when I was friends with a lady who used to be a stripper and she had a weave for a magazine spread she did.  I thought long hair would be fun but it was just itchy.  I washed it after like four days and then it looked like shit.  That's funny.  I can't believe I did that.  

We read Swiss Family Robinson before bed and they pleaded for a second chapter.  I like that they can enjoy a story told in an older English.  

I also made white trash Spanish rice (with a can of refried beans and some tortilla chips) for lunch.  I made it up, but I bet it's been done before.  

Leftover rice

some margarine

a couple squirts of ketchup

a little chicken stock paste

It was really good.  In Japan they sell om rice, which is ketchup flavored rice wrapped in an omlette.   That's good too, but not as good as tacoyaki, which is octopus balls, not testicles, just ball shaped.  You can get them here at Mitsuwa Market.  I want to go right now.

Wednesday was gorgeous and we met our group for a hike in the woods.  Hikes in the woods are my favorite.  Hands down my best memory as a kid.  

We watched Kung Fu Panda and now Charlotte wants to take karate.  

Thursday night I was reading about geology and the age of the earth to the girls and Charlotte said God made the earth in six days right? and I said no and she said but that's what my teacher said and I said I disagree and she said but my teacher is a grown up so I believe her and I said sometimes grownups believe different things and she said I'm so confused! and started to cry.  She was very upset, trying to understand God and the meaning of life, until her little body fell asleep on the couch two hours later.  This child is a deeply thinking old soul.

I will never send them to vacation bible school with my cousin's kids again.  

Friday we went to open gym at a gymnastics place.  Big success.  Their favorite part was the pits of foam cubes to jump into.  I wore striped tights and leg warmers to make up for boring hair.  In this garb, I had the scare of my life when we ran out of gas after gymnastics.  The car is already a beater (today  a third door is stuck shut) so I wasn't sure it was the gas.  No IDIOT light.  The car stopped moving in the middle of the highway along an entrance ramp so I couldn't get to the side of the road.  I called Chris as it slowed down, then 911 and I must have been panicking because the lady kept telling me to stop panicking.  We were stopped in the right lane, all my kids in the backseat, speeding cars swerving to miss us.  A small, well-dressed  Hispanic man ran up to my car and yelled you're gonna get hit! and told me to put it in neutral.  He pushed us to the shoulder and I got out of the car, shaking, and gave him a hug.  He got back into his car with his family and drove away.  I am so grateful to that man.  His bravery saved our lives.  

Thank you, man.

I called Chris, who was waiting helplessly to hear if we were OK, then called the insurance to bring gas.  Sue called and said she would wait on the side of the road till she heard the insurance would come but then my friend Wendy, who I was on my way to meet for the first time in ten years and was now late for called and she said she would bring gas, so I hung up with the insurance elevator music, called back Sue, and then the HELP truck came(from the 911 call), just as Eleanor was about to pee on the side of the road.  Like a peanut, her bladder.  So I called Wendy to tell her not to come, but then the HELP guy said there was an accident, so he had to leave, so I called Wendy back and we had our reunion on the side of the road.  

We had a very nice visit and talked for five hours, walking around the mall (and I hate the mall.)  There was no good reason that we ever stopped being friends and I always missed her, so I hope we stay in touch now.  I then took the kids to my dad's for a visit and then at 10! to my aunt's to wish Nicole a happy birthday.  mother of the year.  

Saturday I was hopelessly depressed.  I even considered deleting my blog because it is not perfect and I don't do anything well and I want to be good at something.  I think it was mostly a hormonally charged? (or just crazy) overreaction to a disorganized house.  The clothes carpet is back.  I felt very overwhelmed at my choice to unschool and the awesome responsibility that comes with.  I always choose open-ended, creative options and then beat myself up over never being good enough because there is no black and white in anything I choose.  I could always do better.  This was one of the reasons I applied to nursing school last year, for a more linear path to the bottom line.   I need a regular balance of linear and open-ended tasks.  Seeming like there are a lot of nurses in my life lately, with reliable incomes, I again considered taking another pre-req toward nursing, just to mosey along to a two year degree.  Might as well get on the waitlist.  It wouldn't be like the accelerated masters program I was going to do.  Just easy does it.  ... I don't know.  It's already hard with Chris taking a couple classes.  Saturday was worse because he was gone most of the day.  

We also went to my other aunt's house and made cupcakes all afternoon.  She is always happy and laid back and I tend more toward crabby, so I actually found seven kids hopped up on frosting a little stressful.  I was grateful for the company.

Sunday I made sure to get out of the house for a few hours myself.  I went to the gym and then to the store, special coupon in hand, and bought myself a magenta, a teal, and a chartreuse top each.  The colors were very exciting.  I saw a ridiculous pre-lit pink Christmas tree in the Big Lots flyer for $50.  It is a waste of money, not sustainable, and maybe not even reuseable, but I can't get the image of that pink tree, covered in turquoise ball ornaments, out of my mind.  Light pink and turquoise makes me crazy; my heart skips a beat.  

This morning, the girls and I went to a 3D IMAX showing of whales and dolphins.  Even Gracie wore the glasses and reached out to touch the cetaceans.  I imagined that this imagery would be logged away in her permanent memory, instilling in her a passion for the sea, for which she wouldn't know the origin.

We stopped by my mom's for lunch afterward and she tried to give me a box of my stuff, but I know my box of journals, diaries, love letters was eaten by mice.  this was Margaret's.  I read her 8 years old diary.  My mom told me stop it.  I love childhood misspelling.  I love remembering the little girl, vulnerable version of my sister.  She sells herself so well now that even I buy it.  

I love you Margaret.  

Instead of Margaret's box, we left with a hamster cage and a microscope.  

Friday my mom took the kids for a visit, freeing Chris and I up for thrift store shopping and lunch. He searched for ammo for his ugly seater contests and we discussed possibilities for this year's Christmas portrait. Last year we were an 80s family, inspired by our own family portraits as kids; I glued a Magnum PI stache on Chris.
I think the elegance of this project was that many people can't tell it's a joke.  

At a mediocre Chinese restaurant after shopping, I tried to cheer Chris up by globbing as much hot mustard into my mouth at once.  I considered how my reaction to physical pain is laughing hysterically.  

Saturday I bought myself running shoes from a dedicated running store for the first time in 17 years.  Which is only the second time.  They feel great.  I wore them out of the store and stopped at a park for a jog.  It was freezing and drizzling and every gust of wind made me laugh out loud.  I lasted 5 minutes.  I colored my hair pink again in time for my date with Chris.  BJ and Andi came over to watch the kids.  We went out for Italian food and brought back pie and wine.  The girls recited Science Verse for our guests and I was really pleased that they chose to demonstrate something cute and impressive instead of equally possible admissions of doing nothing all day as homeschoolers.  

  

In the middle of the night, Chris ate the rest of the pie and I didn't get any!  It took me a day to realize this and when I accused him, he laughed hysterically.  Totally worth it.  To see him laugh like that.  

Monday I ran at the gym and my legs are still sore.  In class, I was inspired to actually make art - which I have a huge fear of doing in class in case my students think I suck.  But I was filled with the magic I used to get filled with.  I have been thinking about the sky as an open matrix and fixating on how fall leaves pass through space that is normally empty.  Blossoms and birds do this too.  Also, when we went to Hawaii, I so enjoyed the sensation of flying over and with the fish while snorkeling, which is also an open matrix with things temporarily passing through.  I thought about how these two things were similar and made big charcoal scrawlings about these ideas about space.  A student said to me as I did this, Miss, you gotta teach me to draw.  I said that's what I've been trying to do.  ...Where have I gone wrong?  I thought about it and then announced at the end of class that from now on, they can replace the assignments with their own ideas if they wanted.  I told them that I respected that so much of their time is accounted for in doing things they don't want to do, to jump through the hoops to get to what they need.  I thought we had covered enough basics that this class didn't have to be one more thing like that for them.

Eleanor had a sleepover at Grandma's this weekend, so Charlotte had to have one tonight.  Eleanor cried a lot about Charlotte leaving.  

Today I colored my hair dark golden blonde because that was the color that was deeply discounted at Target.  And because the pink wasn't done right.  I also cut bangs down to my eyelids.  I also cut Eleanor's hair and then asked Sue if she could take her to Great Clips while I was at work so they could fix it.  This all made me late for work, but not as late as my students.

YAY!

*

Tuesday, the girls and I researched the candidates issues and the election process and then we went to vote and they helped fill out the ballot.  When we got home at night we plopped down in front of MSNBC and I continued to hype them up.  By the time the breaking news flashed on the screen that Obama had won, they were sleeping on me.  I was filled with such a strong collective spirit of national pride and a sense of history happening that I started sobbing for the next five minutes.  Eleanor sleepily told me to stop laughing.  I tried to wake her up so she could get it, but no.  For the first time in my life I felt so proud to be an American and for the first time in my life I prayed for the safety of the president.  My emotion surpassed words and I got up and danced.  

We also went to the zoo.

In class, I had my students watch the story of stuff and choose a suggestion from the end of the movie to make a public service announcement poster for.  One of my students, who is one of my best and most delightful students, declined to make a poster about a green suggestion because it went against her philosophy.  I thought 'change your lightbulbs' was pretty benign but I guess not.  When she said she just cares about humans, I suggested that this is where we live - planet dies, we die.  Nope.  I let her do her thing, but I imagined making T shirts that said save the human habitat or something.  It alarms me that being environmentally conscious is against a religion.  

Wednesday we went to the park and we had pee pants drama.  I thought about how Eleanor wants so badly to play with older kids in this group and how her not being quite old enough for them may be hard on her self esteem.  This day was a little harder because I got up on the wrong side of the bed.  I irrationally wanted Chris not to leave in the morning and then had trouble getting organized to get out the door.  When we did get to the park, the weather was gorgeous again, very coastal feeling, windy.  And the light was beautiful.  I was sorry I forgot my camera.  Gracie is still loving climbing the jungle gyms and wandering around to her own drummer.  Charlotte played the whole time with her one friend, making a sand castle.  And Eleanor played for a while with the older kids.  I really hoped they didn't see her pants.  She explained later that she was having fun and didn't want to stop and then she laughed.  She screamed at me because I wouldn't take her to Old Navy right then for new pants and panties and then come back to the park.  I don't even know how she ever imagined that was a possibility.  

Today we had dinner for breakfast as a family.  I was so pleased.  I served rolls and the potato kale soup I made (with 5 pureed red peppers...) the girls and I went to the gym and after the elliptical, I swam and it felt great.  It was this time last year that I decided I would do a summer sprint triathlon.  I got up at 5 AM for awhile and then we all took turns getting sick and then we had Violet for a while... and I didn't care anymore.  As usual, I'd told about 100 people I was going to do it.  This time I will not even tell myself.  

After the gym we went roller skating.  I am really enjoying the friendships with the other moms I have met there.   The girls have officially become much better skaters and thus enjoy it even more.   

On the way to drop the kids off at Sue's, the weather was exactly the same as the first day I ever visited Chris at his parents and I told the girls about how I missed the turn here and there wasn't a light then.  And that we played cards.  Then Eleanor and Charlotte talked three times longer about how they like to play cards with Daddy.  

Gracie said bubble today and is also, according to Sue, working on yellow, hello, and blue.  She has been saying this and that and all done, but she is getting more consistent now.  Bubble was the first word she repeated on demand.  She also does a very solemn dance and will pull anyone's hand to demand that you join her.  She raises her chubby arms over her big baby head and slowly turns around.  

crazy ass tired

Chris said there was some yellow mystery liquid on the plastic wrap of the leftover vegetables he was eating. He said smell my hand. I didn't know either. Well I found it this afternoon. Rotten red pepper. I threw all six into the compost then picked five back up, smeared off the slime, and brought them back in and washed them. So be forewarned if you come over and I serve stuffed red peppers.

I went to Wal Mart yesterday and tried to buy things my family would like. I spent twice as much as usual and bought five kinds of meat. It is such a burden to be an educated label reader. I can't just pick stuff up and throw it in the cart. I know too much. My failure in grocery shopping is perfectionism. I made pork chops last night because Charlotte wanted dumplings. I sauteed an onion and an apple and then fried little pork medallions. They were good. I also sauteed brussel sprouts fresh off the stalk, which Eleanor used as a back scratcher, cauliflower, and of course, dumplings. I still have a bin of assorted greens nagging me for attention before they suffer a fate similar to the red pepper.

We went to the gym today and Gracie could see me and kept waving and running off. I was happy she didn't cry for me. Her words are starting to form. It reminds me of when cooking pudding the milk just starts to get silky before it thickens. Her language seems so tangible. She sat in her playpen so pleasantly tonight while I read science and sometimes we made eyes at each other. She likes sitting in her boppy.



We had a reading picnic today because it was amazingly beautiful weather. We laid on a blanket and read The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo. I took some pictures; the light was magical.

(Charlotte made this for Despereaux the mouse while I read.)

Eleanor brought with her to Sue's today my orange corduroys and an orange shirt and I asked her if it was because she missed me and she started sobbing in the car. She wouldn't stop hugging me when I dropped her off and then went into the bathroom to be alone. Sue said she wore the outfit twice that night. I suddenly remembered how Eleanor cried almost everyday last fall because we didn't see each other between her school and my work. I am glad we're doing this (unschooling.)

This morning I woke up with a longing for Japan, having dreamt again that I was there and unable to see our Japanese friends. It is like waking up after dreaming about a bad ex boyfriend who was great in the dream and then you miss him all morning (for the record, I don't have these anymore.) I am beginning to recognize these dreams as just missing Japan and realize that I don't want to move back. We have a lot of nice friends here now and I have no desire to start custom building a community again.

Hey!  Tomorrow is the big day.  I've been looking forward to election day like my own birthday.  I have been excited for Obama since his senate acceptance speech.  I briefly thought about taking the girls down to Grant Park in case of a historic and local victory, but not only did Chris forbid it, if he loses there might be a riot. Also, today I remembered when I took them last summer to see The Sound of Music in Grant Park  and Eleanor got lost in the dark and I vowed I would never do that again.  Oh my god it will be crazy down there.  We'll watch it on TV.  

Day of the Dead

I'm having an unhealthy relationship with the fun size snickers bars from my kids' trick or treats. We had a just as fun dead day as halloween. We went to Oliver's party at the children's museum and then back to their place for pizza. I had some morning errands to run so Chris was super nice and drove the 45 minutes to get the last CSA pick up. I'm all CSA'd out. I think the drive negates the positives. My car won't start. Chris took it apart but it's an enigma. (audible sigh)

I was sorry to leave the Oliver party but we already had plans to meet Liz and her family at the Mexican Museum which was not as authentic as promised - read: Coke and generic cookies instead of Mexican hot chocolate and day of the dead bread - but fun. The highlight was getting together with them. Mexican folk art is my favorite, especially the skeletons. The girls decided to make colorful skeleton marionettes later this week. I liked that we could read the signs in the museum together on a Saturday night and it wasn't schoolish to them.

After the museum we stopped by the hipster cafe where my friend works. It's always great to see her and I'd never been there before. The girls were cute with their tiny hot chocolates. I could probably have more of a downtown grown up life if I tried a little harder. I'd enjoy that.